spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
H had an affair with our coworker, lasted less than a month. OC was born recently, H and OW both declared there would be NC. Now she has approached him and said she wont keep his son from him. He asked for the DNA test, she agreed. I moved out while we were working on us. He told her there would be no communication between the two of them without my involvement and she refused, since then she has approached with face to face communicaiton and texting. I am not sure I can accept this baby into my life because of the OW, she wants a relationship with my H and I know she does based off the things she has said to him. I just dont know if walking away from my marriage is the answer. Clearly my he cant walk away from his son, if in fact it is his. After seeing him, he thinks it is his, blonde hair blue eyes, she has dark hair dark eyes. I am just feeling so lost in all of this. The most tormenting part is she works in the same organization we both work in, she will have open contact with my husband whenever she wants and if he feels like having that contact without me I wont know anything about it as I work in a different building. Our daughter just left for college weeks ago, but this has destroyed her as well, I dont know how this OC will impact her life. This is all just so hurtful maybe more so than the affair itself.
I understand the child is innocent, but the child is a constant reminder of the affair! So, if that is all you have to say please dont respond, it isnt helpful for me at all. I dont hate the child, I hate that the child is a reminder of my daughters destroyed family, my destroyed marriage and my devastated life.
Ensuring the child's happiness isn't your responsibility. You have to think about what's best for you and your family. Having said that, if you choose to stay, you have to consider his feelings. What kind of life will he have if he feels like he has to choose you over his child? You will create a situation where he may become resentful of you and might sneak around behind your back to see the child. I would rather put everything on hold for a few months to deal with your feelings and decide how to proceed. A baby isn't going to notice that he doesn't have a dad around anyway...
I literally feel like I am drowning.
I think he should have no contact while you guys are working through this. He created the situation so he needs to play his part in helping you heal.
There are other levels if him being involved with his child that don't requires you to take on the step mother role or contact directly with her.
He could fight for minimal visitation with a liason to help with pick up drop off and these visits could be outside of the home so that you don't have to deal with it.
My personal advice is that you get some good couples counseling and see if toy can build trust. That's the hard part. Men who have affairs have a natural ability to lie to our faces and escape their problems.
That doesn't usually change overnight. Getting through a rebuilding of marriage after any affair is really hard and often fails. When their is an oc involved, it's even harder.
I'll be honest. If I had no young children to raise whrn I found out about my H affair and the oc, I woulda have left. My kids were a huve factor in trying to mend my broken marriage.
There are members here whos H have no contact with the oc and some who have limited and myself who actually has incorporated the child Into our lives.
Start with some counseling. Both couples and individual to decide if you can even work through this fucked up new reality remaining married or separate.
Good luck. You're not alone
Pink
In my case we chose no contact, it took months of therapy and making no decisions. In the end I couldn't stay in a marriage having constant contact with the OW. Being involved with the OC would mean contact with her. That was the choice I made, if it didn't work for my husband and he needed contact with the OC, I couldn't stay.
Ultimately if you choose to stay then you both have to do it together, if he chooses to have contact nothing is done with out your knowledge. Because you are married, the OW knew that. Your husband comes with you. And your husband may need to find another job, working with the OW, no good.
I wouldn't make any decisions for awhile, hope that helps a little and keep us posted.
My husband and I started counseling, this is and has been an extremely painful process already and I am sure it will continue to be.
One good thing is she did quit her job so we all don't work together anymore. The way she rubbed her pregnant belly in a meeting (smiling at me) her and I both had to attend was proof to me she was taunting and a person that was trying to instigate trouble on top of what she had done. Not sure how any of this will play out if this is my husbands child and he wants to be involved. It has been over 4 months, she continued to put the DNA test off and when he threatened to sue her for it she hired an attorney for child custody and support. Bizarre, considering paternity still hadn't been established. Although the attorneys have agreed for paternity test she has continued to delay getting it done. I am trying to figure out why....
Any thoughts on this?
Do your best to focus on your relationship. Dont let her antics distract you.