spouses and illegitimate children Community Group
Dealing with your spouse not only having an affair but a child as a result and how it affects your day to day life and the lives of your children.
Hi everyone. I'm new to this group. I basically need advice and support. 3 years ago I found out that my H cheated and had a two year old daughter who was born a few weeks after my first child. He had never had contact with this child. The OW knew he was married and slept with him anyway. It happened after we had a huge arguement and he stayed with a friend for 2 weeks. He didn't see her after that. I asked him repeatedly if he had anything else he was hiding and he said no. I decided to try to work on things and last year when I was two months pregnant with my 3rd child I found out he had another child with a different woman. This child will be 3 this year. He broke things off with the second one after I found out about the first. She also admitted to knowing about me and my children before they started their affair.
He pays CS but refuses to meet either of these children (they both live about 6 hours away- we moved back to our home town 3 years ago. He says that he can't cope with the logistics of trying to have relationships with those children or deal with their scorned mothers and he doesn't want to hurt or humiliate me any further.
I know it sounds terrible but I'm glad he doesn't want those children in his life. Does this make a bad person? I also can't let go of this pain. I think about this everyday. Sometimes I feel like the only way to move past it is to leave him but I still love him. He's getting help for his adhd, impulse control problems and low self esteem and he's really trying. He's reallu good to me generally and is a great dad to our children. How long will it take to feel normal again, if that is even possible? I can't talk to anyone about this. I haven't told my friends or family because it's so humiliating.
It is hard to not look them up on Facebook, but it will only make you feel worse. In my situation the OW was a friend, she had a bad reputation for taking advantage of men when they were drunk. It stings because she sent me pictures of the OC before I knew it was my husbands, I even met her when she was pregnant, I now can't even look at pictures of the child. What kind of sick person does this?
I understand not wanting to have any contact, its completely normal. Good luck with it all
My situation is that we have contact. On one of the recent posts, I give my story in more detail.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I'm glad he's getting help. I do recommend that you get marriage counseling and that you come to one or 2 of his private counseling sessions.
It gives the therapist insight on how you're affected and what your thoughts are. It will help in his sessions when he is working through that. Especially if he's discussing his marriage.
As crazy as this oc situation is, coming here reminds us that we are not as rare as we once thought.
This is a silent family issue that goes unmentioned too much. We all need someone's support.
Just to weigh in on being part of OCs life I will explain a bit of my view of the situation. She refused to have me anywhere near 'her'.child because she thought I was the crazy one. I refused to let him anywhere her because SHE is a degenerate whore... but also maybe a normal person with fucked up ideals about family. What I realized, though, is that the baby absolutely does NOT NEED the father right now. It needs its mother and other caretakers, your H would just be novelty, so it is gratuitous on the part of the parents to 'foster a relationship' right now.
Likewise, a child is resilient and adapts to happiness. The kid isn't going to be ruined by not having a father in its life, whereas it is more likely to be ruined by having a father abandon it.
Also, the kid being raised as a child of an affair has to be rough on the child, never really feeling good enough, always being held at arm's length from a 'real' family... that sucks for the kid.
Allowing the other woman to have that much power over your relationship is quite harmful for everyone involved, you guys will be on the hook, so to speak, at every whim and she will likely enjoy it so much that she misses out on another relationship.
So your H wanting to be a father is basically a pretty selfish way to be.
At the end of the day it is my opinion that this business of both genetic contributors trying to raise a child of an affair normally is just plain wrong. I think it falls in line with the modern romantacized parenting where the kids are the most important people in every relationship. I think that produces children who have been catered to so much that they are unable to care for themselves. A little hardship, ingenuity, and character building goes a long way into producing a mature and responsible adult. Mature and reaponsible adults don't think they are entitled to anything, much less another woman's husband and child. I prefer people who had things a little rough growing up to people who didn't... just something to consider. Your H might be doing the kid a favor by staying out of that.
4ksandme, I hope you can help your H see that wanting to 'be there for the kid' actually does way more harm than good. If he minimalizes your value in favor of the child your marriage is gonna be way harder than it needs to be. You too, auntie. I seriously pray for all of you on here every day. If I could have my husband express all of this to your husbands and it make a difference I would, in a heartbeat.
Isn't that the saddest part of this silent family issue, not knowing anyone else to really talk to?
My boss, in particular, was on the receiving end of dday when I called in to work and just spit out why I wasn't able coming in that day. Over the next few months and years he was able to witness the change in myself and my marriage and my life. It was pretty encouraging to him.
I don't share my story with just anyone, but when I do it is needed and appreciated.