SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
i realized about a week ago that i have spent the last 8 years helping my partner pretend that he doesn't have a mental illness.
i have spent the last 8 years diffusing and caretaking his reactivity.
when it's good, it's good, and i just want to let it be good.
when it's bad, i amaze myself at my gifts of diffusion.
i impress myself with my water-resistant duck back.
i commend myself on my empathy for his struggles.
and i swallow my pride and ignore my own needs-
enough to finally notice that i couldn't take it anymore.
the duck is now soaked through.
i don't hate him or blame him. i love him. he wants to be good and inside, he is good.
but he's damaged.
oh so gently, tonight, i let him know.
i let him know i couldn't pretend anymore.
i apologized for using the term "mental illness" because i didn't want to hurt him.
but i didn't have any more avoidant terms left in me.
i could feel the anger and the sense of danger rising up in him.
we had agreed that we would wait for the therapist if it got to that point.
so i told him i loved him and we ended the conversation.
he adapted to the relationship by keeping me at a distance.
by preventing me from getting too close he could prevent his psychotic eruptions.
and we could both pretend he wasn't sick.
8 years and he says he doesn't want to marry me.
he talks about trying to live together again.
but i know what will happen.
bad things
will happen
all over again.
i want us.
i do.
but i am worth more than the abuse and am tired of rejection.
he has to accept this about himself.
he has to.
he has to.
if we are going to move forward.
he has to get help.
i don't know what that would look like. i don't have the answers. but i think it would make a difference.
i hope it would make a difference.
once upon a time i woke up and discovered i was done with this stage of my life.
i hope that he can join me as i move on to the next one.
thanks for reading my poem about real life.
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
it makes sense, really. he is a psychology major so he is essentially very knowledgeable about human behavior and plays the part of neurotypical very well. but this explains why when his scientific understanding hits a point that he can't solve, he flips the fuck out.
so anyway, he still needs to accept that he is different and be willing to work on himself, but at least some of his behavior makes more sense now. if he actually does have aspergers then at least i know that he's not intentionally an asshole...
but the idea of it being a hardware issue does present me with the question: am i willing to live with this knowing that his behavior may change but who his will not?
we separated (my idea), and it just happened so quickly. suddenly i felt like i was done waiting for him to be the person i need in a relationship.
yes, i still love him, and i think i still feel like i am in love with him, but i am never going to feel what i need to feel from him. even if he is just doing his best in his own way. i can't change him. i'm so foolish that i have been waiting for him to change. i actually thought some day, eventually, we would have the closeness that i crave, that i need.
but i can't change him!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can only change myself.
once again, here i am, doing all the work.
We struggle with the mind-brain paradox, but using computers as an analogy, autism is (mostly) hardware, while narcissism is (mostly) software. The diagnosis is only important for SOs because, while narcissists are strongly motivated to dominate you, an Asperger's subject is trying to drive away or ignore you, whichever works.
Sadly, they are damaged and I don't know if any therapy can be helpful.