SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
Hi there,
I have been in a 2 year relationship with my current gf who suffers from BPD, which I recently found out what it was and what is meant. To top things up she also has severe clinical depression. I'm not quite sure how or what I should do anymore because I feel like an endless wave of disappointments and frustrations. I feel that I have been very patient with her but my patience is wearing very very thin and sometimes I just snap whenever she makes a snappy remark at me or gives me some attitude for no apparant reason.
On top of the things I just mentioned she has a tendency to prefer having male friends over female ones. Now in case you're wondering if this is an issue of jealousy, its not. Her male 'friends' tend to have agendas that are usually something being more then friends whether romantic or sexual, and my gf knows this but yet she still continues her friendship with them. One time she nearly got raped by one of them but apparantly that has not taught her a lesson. She still fraternize with these men. As much as I would like to trust her, her mental issues aside she hasn't made many good decisions in life to warrant that trust that I would like to give. I don't know if she is doing this because all these men make her feel good about herself, she is quite an attractive girl but I think she places way too much emphasize on her looks.
Now to add to my worries, in the 2 years that we've been together, sexual intimacy is well for a lack of a better word....dismal, sporadic and only when she is in the mood which is rarely. Which adds to my worries that there might be something more then friendship she has going with those guys. Also she drinks alot....being drunk with a bunchy overtly friendly guys....hmmmm recipe for disaster?
She constantly says I am just being insecure about these guys but I beg to differ, there are alot of warning signs all over the place. But for anyone reading this, do I sound insecure or do I really have something to worry about? This is very different from how we initially started, she was very into me but she realized that I was just someone who takes joys in the simpler things in life everything seems to start to change.
I try to trust her whenever she wants to go out with her male friends but there is this constant nagging inside my head. Especially since she usually can't control her drinking and she uses alcohol as a coping mechanism. Also I am not sure if she really loves me or am I just someone to hang on to for support.
Help?
I have been in a 2 year relationship with my current gf who suffers from BPD, which I recently found out what it was and what is meant. To top things up she also has severe clinical depression. I'm not quite sure how or what I should do anymore because I feel like an endless wave of disappointments and frustrations. I feel that I have been very patient with her but my patience is wearing very very thin and sometimes I just snap whenever she makes a snappy remark at me or gives me some attitude for no apparant reason.
On top of the things I just mentioned she has a tendency to prefer having male friends over female ones. Now in case you're wondering if this is an issue of jealousy, its not. Her male 'friends' tend to have agendas that are usually something being more then friends whether romantic or sexual, and my gf knows this but yet she still continues her friendship with them. One time she nearly got raped by one of them but apparantly that has not taught her a lesson. She still fraternize with these men. As much as I would like to trust her, her mental issues aside she hasn't made many good decisions in life to warrant that trust that I would like to give. I don't know if she is doing this because all these men make her feel good about herself, she is quite an attractive girl but I think she places way too much emphasize on her looks.
Now to add to my worries, in the 2 years that we've been together, sexual intimacy is well for a lack of a better word....dismal, sporadic and only when she is in the mood which is rarely. Which adds to my worries that there might be something more then friendship she has going with those guys. Also she drinks alot....being drunk with a bunchy overtly friendly guys....hmmmm recipe for disaster?
She constantly says I am just being insecure about these guys but I beg to differ, there are alot of warning signs all over the place. But for anyone reading this, do I sound insecure or do I really have something to worry about? This is very different from how we initially started, she was very into me but she realized that I was just someone who takes joys in the simpler things in life everything seems to start to change.
I try to trust her whenever she wants to go out with her male friends but there is this constant nagging inside my head. Especially since she usually can't control her drinking and she uses alcohol as a coping mechanism. Also I am not sure if she really loves me or am I just someone to hang on to for support.
Help?
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
In my opinion, there is dysfunctional narcissism at the core of what is called the "Cluster B" disorders, of which BPD is the most-often encountered disorder. This narcissistic disorder causes people who have any type of cluster B disorder to use other people as sources of what is called "narcissistic supply," which is an ersatz kind of self-esteem that they extract from the attention of others. To survive in the relationship, you will probably need to accept yourself as just one of the major planets in her self-centered system.
My sister-in-law has BPD, and often goes out drinking alone at bars when my brother is at work. One day she asked "an old friend" to give her a ride home, and she claims that he abducted and raped her for two days after she got into his car. She was not otherwise restrained or harmed, but she filed charges against the man after he let her go, and he was imprisoned for a long time. It was not the first time she claims to have been raped. but it was the first time that the police became involved. My brother and SIL remain married, and she continues to while away afternoons at the bars. It is all a profound mystery to me, but I give BPD the credit.
my SO's disorder has also smothered my usual joy of the simple things in life. i'm trying to get that back. especially since when i express anger and frustration freely, as he has indicated i don't do often enough, he suddenly has to "deal" with my emotions! then why can't i go back to being carefree, unstressed, and enjoying the small joys of life? as it turns out, i've learned that it's not about trying to get the other person to change, but about changing yourself. i'm learning that it's not ok for me to base my self-worth on what my SO has to say about me. even though he can manipulate the situation into a very convincing argument, i just have to be solid in what i know to be true, and not be swayed. and it's scary as hell, because every time i stand up for myself i'm afraid he might leave me this time. but would i rather be with him and be miserable? no.... but it took me a while to recognize this truth.
i also know that sites like this one can help TONS, especially in the immediate coping process of bpd relationship current events (i.e. triggers, turmoil, plain ol' pissed off!).
anyhow, maybe you can apply some of my experiences to your own situation. i'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament, and i hope that things get better for you. just try and remember that whether or not she says you are being insecure, hanging around all these men makes you feel uncomfortable. if/when you feel strong enough to do so, you can take the next move to stand up for yourself and set boundaries.
just a thought, going on what johnnycake said about "self-esteem that they extract from the attention of others," it would seem to me that then there must be other ways to feed this need, one that would make you feel less uncomfortable, vanillasky.
For example, one pwBPD, who had friended me on this site six months ago, de-friended me last week because she believes that I had ignored her two times in chat. What had really happened is that I was away from the computer while remaining logged on, but she just jumped to the (wrong) conclusion because her disorder convinced her that she knew the reasons. Had she not announced her decision to defriend me at the moment she did so, I might never have known of it, because we had only chatted once or twice and were really not close.
For this reason, hoping that a pwBPD will spontaneously change for your sake is an exercise in futility. Because you are reaching the end of your patience along with feeling disappointed and frustrated, you should be at the point where you will realize the value of Bananna's advice. It really is about changing yourself, setting boundaries and defending your own well-being.
when i learned about bpd (had no idea it existed), i thought OH! he can go to therapy, he can get dbt, he can maybe take medication, he can CHANGE! again i was putting it all on him. of course he has to be willing to do all that, and he isn't. but my point is that i wanted to point out that i understand where you are coming from, because i come from there, too. hell, i still wish he would just *@#$! grow up sometimes. and i still wish he would change. but the reality of the situation is becoming gradually more clear each day, each new experience. (and each episode...)