whoa i was pretty upset when i wrote this, cuz i didn't make a lot of sense. to clarify, if anyone's interested, in the beginning of the relationship i told him some honest stuff about my past relationships. he says i set the stage for him to distrust me. this is almost two years ago and i still have to hear him tell me how i did this to him. constant blame. how can i make it stop? i don't even think what i told him was all that bad, considering i've been faithful and loving to him throughout our whole relationship.
it's like if it wasn't this, it would be something else he could use an excuse for why it's my fault he doesn't trust me. can i do anything about this?

You said it. If it wasn't this issue, it would be another equally absurd. I'm not sure what you could do to change his behavior toward this conflict. Have you asked your therapist?

i will ask today. :)

Yay! Let us know- I'm interested to hear.

He is projecting his fear, that you will leave him, onto you. All the logic in the world won't help, because the source of the fear is flawed and overblown emotional impulsiveness. Unfortunately, I cannot shake the suspicion that these projections are also to some degree a manipulation, perhaps subconscious, designed to keep you attentive and on the defensive, or alternatively to get you completely out so someone better can take your place. Hence the illogical insistence that what was done in the past somehow needs to change in order to make the present right, or that what was done before the two of you even met has somehow become an injury to him.

The reason I say unfortunately is that any expression of this suspicion to the "identified patient" is guaranteed to result in a breakdown/break-up/blow-up/melt-down/tantrum. So what can be done? The first step is always to validate the feelings of the pwBPD. The pwBPD is pathologically dependent and afraid of losing one iota of your attention and affection. The formula is "I understand that you are feeling _____ and it must be very _________ having to deal with that." Fill in the blanks with something that seems appropriate, and good luck with your effort.

After validating his feelings, you can attempt a return to sanity and reason ... that the events which transpired before the current relationship do not determine what happens within it ... and that you love, cherish and respect him even when he fears that you don't. This message needs to be reiterated and reinforced at every opportunity.

awesome formula! thanks!
when i brought this up in therapy, i didn't exactly get a how-to response. i was so exhausted, emotionally and physically, that i don't fully recall everything we talked about or what she said, but that may come back to me later...
so i have a new one.
the next time an incident occurs where he feels uncomfortable or threatened by something i am or may be doing and asks me to stop in a way i do not see is reasonable, i want to do this: i want to see if there is a way that he can just feel uncomfortable without my having to fix it. but to say this requires finding a way to do so that is validating and doesn't seem completely cruel, like "suffer, baby, suffer..." any suggestions?
and, of course, if this is completely impossible i will work down to a compromise. i'm just tired of doing what he asks all the time just to keep things quiet.