Could you confidentially talk to anyone in his family about his behavior? It could even be approached as you are worried about your relationship with him, if you are worried about it getting back around to him.

He won't be able to change his behavior if he isn't aware of it. I had to leave- I truly hope things get better for the two of you.

Sorry you are having to deal with this. I have two suggestions. The first is to get a copy of the book "Lost In The Mirror" by Richard Moskovitz. Read it, and then try to get your SO to read it, if it seems relevant to your relationship. Just say that it was an interesting story and you want to get others' opinions.

Second, contact some couples' counselors in your area and find out which ones have experience working with Cluster B disorders. When things get confused again, let your partner know that you don't understand what is happening and that want to see the counselor with them, to talk about the problems. If they decide not to go, go without them. If your partner has BPD, both of you will be needing it.

thanks for your guidance. yeah, i think that therapy is going to be a must. we've tried couples therapy before, but i was very guarded, and didn't have a way of defining what was going on. i'm pretty sure i have a good idea, now.
as far as talking to family or friends, one of my big fears is that what he perceives as betrayal can be a HUGE trigger, even if i'm doing it out of concern for both of us, our relationship, and his well-being. lately it seems like he might be getting more stressed, which could be dangerous. i think i'm kinda answering my own question here! take the risk out for the sake of his safety?
and i'm gonna go on amazon now and get that book. :)

We pretty much dodged the big issues during our 6 months of counseling, and didn't get a lot out of it, but the counselor had no clue about BPD before seeing us. By the end, the counselor was asking why we were still married. LOL!

We split soon after I decided to take a bit of my life back She was not able to comprehend that this was not desertion, and she left no bridges unburned in her haste to get completely out of the relationship. I hope things get better for you.

wow i'm really sorry to hear that. i'm noticing that fear of desertion is a major theme, even more so reading other people's input than just the clinical explanations of the disorder. it's so hard to see loved ones go through this kind of pain and fear. for me it's starting to seem as though there's nothing that i can do to reassure him that i'm permanent, that i'm here and i love him, short of sacrificing my liberty and sanity...

i'll admit i'm pretty terrified myself that he is going to leave once i finally approach him about this. he's told me he was leaving many times before, even though he would later say it was just his way of expressing his emotions, and that he didn't mean it. over the past few years he's gone through a very traumatic and life-changing event, and i'm the first relationship he's had since it happened. and i'm thinking that this may have exacerbated his condition, if it is bpd (which it really seems to be). i'm afraid he, too, might burn all bridges before i get the chance to try and find a way for both of us to live with this.

i want to thank you for starting this group. it's really helping me to regain some of my own emotional balance and coping skills and confidence. it's a melancholy relief. and thank you to everybody who has related their own situations. it is very supportive to know that i am not alone.

You are definitely not alone. I relate to all these dilemmas -- particularly that my family doesn't understand my partner is a victim of a mental illness (since it's one they've never heard of) and believe that it's just a bad relationship. I even told my stepmother that roughly 1 in 8 BPD sufferers commit suicide -- she had no concept that this was much more than the general population!

As for talking to his family, I do it in secret and only when he's in crisis and I'm afraid he'll harm himself. Even then I only talk to his mother since his father is emotionally unstable and wouldn't be able to handle it. His mother only seems to be able to handle it because as far as I can tell, she either doesn't believe in mental illness or doesn't understand how it works. Another possibility is that she's in denial that her son has a real mental illness and not just emotional problems.

I know my partner doesn't want me talking to anyone else about this -- his family because he doesn't want to make it their problem or have them try to get involved; anyone else it's more a matter of protecting his privacy.

As for talking with me about it, I've tried many approaches, but when he's feeling his worst he tells me there's nothing I can do to help. Unfortunately he doesn't like most therapists; he's only met one in his life he actually respected. He's open to the idea in theory but when I actually want him to participate there's always a reason he doesn't want or need to. He has mentioned that he would like to talk to another BPD sufferer since he's never met one before, but he refuses to do it online, which would seem to be the easiest way to find one, and he won't seek out anyone in person. I can't find any BPD support groups AT ALL in my area, let alone partners of BPD's. It's also difficult to find a therapist with knowledge and experience concerning BPD, as illustrated by Johnny's experience.

i feel pretty fortunate that i actually found a connection to therapists that are familiar with bpd. i'm going to my first appointment next month. i'm not exactly sure what it is that i am going to accomplish by going, but i guess that's kind of a given, since i'm not exactly sure how to handle any of this anyway!

i've been practicing extreme patience and crisis aversion/diffusion lately, and it actually has been paying off. we've had in-depth talks, and he's made efforts to reassure me that his dark speak is not an actual indication that he is going to commit suicide (but having lost someone before, i just can't fully believe him, even if that's my own problem). i haven't told him that i think he has bpd, but i have told him that i think something is going on with him and that i'm going to see a therapist to learn how to understand what he's going through. i'm kind of the opposite of your situation, spiky, in that i never liked therapy, but he has done years of therapy and healing work. but it's worth it, to me, to make this compromise.

the thing is, he still doesn't want to/won't admit his situation is something deeper than strong emotions. he's not only done years of therapy, but he's studied and worked in the field, so he knows how to use the jargon. today he warned me not to make him out to be the "identified patient," even though i've consistently told him that i know a relationship is a dynamic, has two sides, my part, his part, etc. and he's talked about the classification of mental illnesses by the DSM (i think that's what it's called), and how he hates that dark emotions get labeled as illnesses that must be overcome. sure, i would agree with him to an extent, but it also feels like he's trying to justify that his dark and overwhelmingly negative feelings are natural, no matter how irrational others may think they are. but, yeah, i mean, it is kind of natural that an intensely difficult past filled with abuse and abandonment would leave him with such scars and defensiveness.

it's so hard, sometimes. when he fully flips over to his self-protecting side that is fed by his irrational fears, i just see this kid, this little boy trying to fend for himself when nobody else will love him. yet he is more than 25 years beyond this point in his life. i can't imagine how alone he feels. and i can't reach him when he gets there. so i guess i'm just hoping that i can learn to prevent this as best i can, and it will help when he is able to recognize this about himself.

wow i wrote a lot! and i didn't even tell johnny that i got that book. i've started reading it, but haven't gotten far yet, since it's not really a book i can just lounge around the house reading, considering the situation.

Awesome update! Glad to hear you're making steps.

thanks biwi! i can't tell you guys enough how wonderful it is to have this haven of reflection.