SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
Hi group, I was actually one of the first ones to sign up for this group when it was created, but haven't been around much until now. I wonder if maybe that's partly because I've been in some denial myself and not really wanted to believe my relationship was as bad as it really was. Anyway, my relationship with my wife (who has been diagnosed with BPD) has completely blown up within the last few months. After months and years of enduring her rages, name calling, and physical abuse (punching, kicking, clawing, hitting me with thrown objects, you name it) I found myself in a situation where I retaliated - which I know I should not have done - and found myself being the one charged with domestic violence. SInce then my wife has taken our kids (without my knowledge or consent) and moved them 12 hours away, and has seemed to relish telling anyone who will listen the story of how she has "left her abusive husband" and all the sympathy and attention she receives because of this. I am now in the long, slow process of working through the court system to try to straighten things out... and I am now, finally (and after the horse has already run out of the barn) willing to admit to myself that my wife has BPD. Some of the BPD behaviors I tried to deny with our therapist earlier on seem only too obvious to me now after all this has happened.
I've written a few more of the details of my present situation in my journal if anyone is interested in reading them. They are set to "friends only" (for what I think are obvious reasons) but if you let me know you are in this group I would be happy to add you. I honestly have no idea whether I will have any further romantic relationship with my wife after this or not. I honestly do not want this to be the end of our relationship, but I have had to file for legal separation in order to obtain any reasonable opportunity to see my children, and of course in her mind that is probably a sign that I have permanently rejected her and therefore she is entirely justified in whatever actions she may take to cut ties with me. In any event I have firmly decided I will not allow her to live with me again unless concrete steps have been taken to address her physically abusive behavior. But, as she denies any responsibility for her physically abusive behavior... I fear we may be at an intractable roadblock because of that alone, even if we otherwise end up somehow wanting to get back together.
I will appreciate getting to know some of you and hearing your insights. I regret that I have not participated in this group more actively before now. I look forward to talking more with you all.
I've written a few more of the details of my present situation in my journal if anyone is interested in reading them. They are set to "friends only" (for what I think are obvious reasons) but if you let me know you are in this group I would be happy to add you. I honestly have no idea whether I will have any further romantic relationship with my wife after this or not. I honestly do not want this to be the end of our relationship, but I have had to file for legal separation in order to obtain any reasonable opportunity to see my children, and of course in her mind that is probably a sign that I have permanently rejected her and therefore she is entirely justified in whatever actions she may take to cut ties with me. In any event I have firmly decided I will not allow her to live with me again unless concrete steps have been taken to address her physically abusive behavior. But, as she denies any responsibility for her physically abusive behavior... I fear we may be at an intractable roadblock because of that alone, even if we otherwise end up somehow wanting to get back together.
I will appreciate getting to know some of you and hearing your insights. I regret that I have not participated in this group more actively before now. I look forward to talking more with you all.
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
Make a list of all the crap she put you through, and save it in your sock drawer. Push the old life into your past with both hands. Get your mind back in order and your life back on track as soon as you can. Don't forget about your daughters, and they will not forget about you. There will be difficult times, because your ex- will make an effort to exclude you from their lives, but don't let this discourage you. Learn to realize when you are hearing their mother's words coming out of their mouths, because you will experience this, and it will hurt like hell.
That is the best advice that I can give you. Good Luck.
Four years ago, I left home. My BPD mother had long been too much for me to take. Like you I tried to ignore it, deny it, turn it so it was my fault. She had initiated thousands of physical altercations between the two of us, my father, and my two other sisters before the day she had me charged as being an out of control teen. I was only sixteen and had a criminal record. She refused to let me go to one of my court dates. I have not spoken to her in ten months, had a true conversation with her in three years, been able to speak to her without her raising her voice in four years. She has milked her role as a victim while simultaneously cutting herself, my father, and my two sisters off from me, her three sisters and their husbands, seven nieces, six nephews, her own father... The list goes on, and on.
I believe that to her, I have publicly validated her worst fears when I left home. I wish , hope, that one day she would recover, realize what all of that she has done. The more time that passes represents a diminishing possibility for that to happen.
Your actions to develop a life separate from your wife while she is in so active in her BPD should be applauded. My own father has not done so- until he does, a relationship with him is impossible from me. He is too enmeshed with her. At this point my experience is quite different from yours. You have the drive to fight for your children,and to pursue your own happiness. Good will and good wishes.