so it's been a year since i've been living in this new city, in a separate residence from that of my highly functional bpd boyfriend. and it's been since june of 2012 since he and i lived together for one tumultuous, heart-wrenching, crazy-making, and eye-opening year. since our departure from our shared home and our previous city, we have both become very introspective and aware of our shortcomings as they apply to our relationship. he has been seeing a therapist every week, and i have, to put it simply, been indulging in the strength of true independence. we were even broken up for about three months, which seemed to teach us that we preferred to be together.

now that we have finally begun the process of being together without being totally insane, i am starting to feel resentment towards our situation. clearly we cannot live together, at least not for another few years. but i work my ass off to be able to afford to live alone. it's exhausting, both emotionally and physically. i'm in an apartment, when what i really want is a house with a yard, a porch, a basement, and a fireplace. i have considered finding a roommate situation, but there are many circumstances that make this impossible and undesirable for me.

IF ONLY WE COULD LIVE TOGETHER PEACEFULLY and share expenses and a home. sometimes i just feel so mad at him for this. but i guess it's both of us that are to blame for this circumstance. indirect blame, of course. him for his explosive and unpredictable dark side, and me for my neediness and overly compromising fragility when faced with abandonment. in all truth, time is really what we need, or at least what i need (since i'm an iota more emotionally stable than he), to be strong enough to be able to have at it again. but i am afraid of the possibility that i might be waiting forever. because i won't.