SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
i am realizing that we live in a world of invalidation, based upon a closed-minded concept of normality. i just read a post in the personality disorder support group about a woman with bpd that thinks that her feelings of love are not real, based upon an article, and probably others, that she read. she wonders if she would ever feel real love, or have a real relationship. she's been married for years.
what can we do to make people feel like their feelings ARE real? that their relationships are real, even if they do not conform to a societal ideal?
i'm really upset by this, and i hope i can explain why in a clear manner:
i love my boyfriend to death, and hopefully will love him until death. but, clearly, he has something going on inside him that causes him to react to things in a way that is hard for the average emotional constitution to handle. so of course one would be inclined to say that his reactions are not normal. but that his feelings, his relationships, are not real? would that mean he does not love me and i do not love him, that our relationship is phony, that he is an emotional invalid that doesn't really know what he is feeling? granted, i may feel that dealing with his outbursts can be a pain in the ass, but i would never think that these feelings are NOT real. if anything, he has an emotional quotient that surpasses that of the average human being, and well beyond my own.
if it's not "normal," do we therefore deny its existence? if i feel love, even if it is not reciprocated, even if it is love that is considered foolish, or manipulative, or needy, or anything else, by others, it is STILL love. i still feel it; i still know it to be love. it doesn't matter how it unfolds, or what i or the other person do to continue the love or to mess it up. and if it hurts me to have someone tell me otherwise, i can't even imagine the damaging effects it has on a pwbpd.
anyhow, this is the article. i personally find it a little skewed toward the bitter perspective of a non-bpd... http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm
what can we do to make people feel like their feelings ARE real? that their relationships are real, even if they do not conform to a societal ideal?
i'm really upset by this, and i hope i can explain why in a clear manner:
i love my boyfriend to death, and hopefully will love him until death. but, clearly, he has something going on inside him that causes him to react to things in a way that is hard for the average emotional constitution to handle. so of course one would be inclined to say that his reactions are not normal. but that his feelings, his relationships, are not real? would that mean he does not love me and i do not love him, that our relationship is phony, that he is an emotional invalid that doesn't really know what he is feeling? granted, i may feel that dealing with his outbursts can be a pain in the ass, but i would never think that these feelings are NOT real. if anything, he has an emotional quotient that surpasses that of the average human being, and well beyond my own.
if it's not "normal," do we therefore deny its existence? if i feel love, even if it is not reciprocated, even if it is love that is considered foolish, or manipulative, or needy, or anything else, by others, it is STILL love. i still feel it; i still know it to be love. it doesn't matter how it unfolds, or what i or the other person do to continue the love or to mess it up. and if it hurts me to have someone tell me otherwise, i can't even imagine the damaging effects it has on a pwbpd.
anyhow, this is the article. i personally find it a little skewed toward the bitter perspective of a non-bpd... http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
I hadn't heard about the link between invalidation and self-injury but it makes a lot of sense.
ok yeah so i got pissed and defensive there! thanks for the hugs, i always need 'em.
"yes, the love is “real”, but only in the sense of how it feels to the person with BPD: the feelings seem real, they feel like love. But it’s not love because it’s based on need rather than on true caring and intimacy, which is the real love we all deserve."
In addition, the BPD version of love has its basis in false idealization of the other, rather than in any objective reality. This creates the setup for the trigger that causes the split, and the mate quickly falls from hero, past zero and all the way into the intolerably negative. Normal people sense "needy" and run from it. SOBs, on the other hand, are often drawn into it. I believed that if I was needed, I would never be abused or ditched. I lived, I learned. (what a jagged little pill)
Essentially the point I'm getting at is that love is unconditional, it does not come with restrictions. The love my mother has/had for us, me, my dad, had conditions attached.