you are doing well. healing takes time. it is ok to hope for a better future, even for those who are not longer central to your life. some couples do get back together, but it usually doesn't last as long as the first time because, once they have been built, it is hard to take the walls down again -- and we are more sensitized to the pain points we share with the ex.

you bring up a good point. after we stopped living together and spent three months apart when he moved up north, i rebuilt myself so that i could have the strength and courage to live my life the way i intended, doing things that i knew would be triggers, and preparing for how to handle the conflicts that would arise from this. i am sure that he adapted to our separation in a similar way. and now neither of us wants to get back into the old patterns because they were just too painful. it's because we built these walls that it didn't last when we were reunited again.

i realize, too, that i am so used to us being together when we are "split up" that i feel guilty about trying to move on as though he is no longer a part of my life. with every move that i make to reclaim who i used to be before his influence, i think about how it would affect him. the push/pull has happened so many times that i still feel like i am in the relationship. but it's been well over a month.

if the theory is true that it takes half the time that the couple was together for the individuals to heal from the separation, i still have over a year to work on me. that gives me a year to strengthen my independence. a year to adapt to moving on. but what if the time goes by and i still feel connected to him? because i never felt so close to anyone like this before.

random thoughts...

I am reflecting on much of this myself. I have some major back story, which I will skip, but this whirlwind ride which had caused so much of my life to crash and burn, has me questioning so much about myself. That is why I went in for therapy. I honestly don't trust my own judgement now. I dont trust my ability to set healthy boundaries to protect myself or my kids. I have a lot of anger and sadness. You just kind of end up feeling lied to, that all was BS for some unknown reason or agenda that had nothing to do with you other than you were there and willing. But I did fins this blog a little insightful. If true, we didnt really stand a chance and still dont. Experts at saying what we want to hear. A survival skill, read the room, and blend. http://www.downwardspiralintothevortex.com/2012/04/why-are-borderlines-so-attractive-part_11.html