SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
so my SO came across the book i was recommended on bpd. obviously he was offended. fortunately, though, he admitted to having borderline tendencies (he's a psych major), and actually listened to what i had to say about what i've learned about the disorder, including how the understanding of it has changed in more recent years. but he was clearly upset, and i can understand that. but i repeatedly told him that whether or not he actually has full blown bpd or just has tendencies, understanding the disorder helps me to understand him, and also really helps me to become better at validation. i also told him that i needed a way to understand why he says such cruel things when he gets upset, and that it was difficult for me because i didn't think he was a cruel person. his response was that he is a cruel person, and that i have to accept that.
now it's a few days later, and he keeps making jokes about how i think his behavior is related to bpd, or that i think he has bpd, and today he said in a joking manner that i will never live this down. maybe he really is just an asshole (pardon my english). i hate that he is making me question myself, and trying to play down my side of the story. but i know very strongly that understanding bpd has really helped me to understand him. i don't think that his symptoms are as extreme as some others i have heard of or heard SOs of pwbpd talk about, but i don't know how else to explain his behavior. i mean, i could just say he's an irrational and childish narcissist that likes to hurt the people he loves, but i'm just not able to go about looking at him in such a shallow manner.
i really wish that he could understand the struggle on my side of the relationship without taking it as a reason to say we shouldn't be together or tell me everything that i do wrong to him. i guess i really want him to take some responsibility, even if that just means recognizing my feelings. today i just wanted to slap him or burst into tears, but instead i just diverted the subject.
now it's a few days later, and he keeps making jokes about how i think his behavior is related to bpd, or that i think he has bpd, and today he said in a joking manner that i will never live this down. maybe he really is just an asshole (pardon my english). i hate that he is making me question myself, and trying to play down my side of the story. but i know very strongly that understanding bpd has really helped me to understand him. i don't think that his symptoms are as extreme as some others i have heard of or heard SOs of pwbpd talk about, but i don't know how else to explain his behavior. i mean, i could just say he's an irrational and childish narcissist that likes to hurt the people he loves, but i'm just not able to go about looking at him in such a shallow manner.
i really wish that he could understand the struggle on my side of the relationship without taking it as a reason to say we shouldn't be together or tell me everything that i do wrong to him. i guess i really want him to take some responsibility, even if that just means recognizing my feelings. today i just wanted to slap him or burst into tears, but instead i just diverted the subject.
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
I can't remember- are you seeing a therapist currently? Would he go with you now, knowing that understanding him helps you?
i don't think he's interested in therapy for this, as he's referred to his pain as "his gift." sometimes i can handle his gift, other times i cannot. he used to be a therapist, and he's done a lot of work onhimself, too. but i think he's just tired of all that. i can't blame him. but i'm still in it.
i looked up adult children of alcoholics cuz he said that's what he was, but it doesn't touch on the borderline issues such as the hateful things he says. i think it's a little more extreme than that.
sighhhhhhhh. thanks for replying, i appreciate it.
Hoorah for Wednesday! I hope you can get yourself some peace of mind and insight from it.
my SO's big thing is how hard i've made things for him. how i've set him up to not be able to trust me. i haven't once betrayed him. but when he treats me like i have, how can i ignore it? and i can't get him to understand that the way he is reacting is not normal. i can't even tell him it's not normal, because then he'll ask me to define normal, and say that everyone and their feelings are restricted/distorted by society, so on, so forth. but i can't ignore when he goes out of his way to pointedly hurt me (explained in latest journal entry, if you want to read it). and even though i don't take the cruel things he says to heart, i still hear them. i'm learning to not contribute. and that's hard, too! it's like i don't defend myself, i don't try and rationalize with him, i don't try to soothe his feelings (because that isn't validating the ones he has). i want to just walk away, but he can't even realize this is a problem, so i am attacking him by not taking a part in it. the other night it was like i wasn't hurting enough to make him happy, so he created something to break my heart. it's like he's kind of psychotic. i don't know what's going on with him. and yet i'm trapped in him making me feel like i am as much to blame for all of this as he, if not more so.
i just feel like i can't do this anymore. like i need to give him an ultimatum, like he at least goes to therapy or we got to therapy together, or else i have to leave. but he's just gonna leave anyway. so then what? i talk to his mom? she and i get along really well, but she's on the other side of the country, and she's his mom. i think she's gonna take her son's side first.
i was so happy a week ago. i thought things were getting better. (can't though, right? not with bpd.) but it's like the better things get, the harder they fall. i'm sorry i'm going on and on. i'm just so lost right now.
i feel bad because i am setting a boundary that has to be set. (bad for him, and bad because his reaction to this boundary is also harsh for me- threats to leave, accusations, etc.) i am trying to get him to understand that his behavior is not normal, and that his perceptions are one-sided and can be somewhat delusional. if someone was telling me that my perception of reality was not real (to other people), i would find this upsetting, and i can see why he does, too. i keep trying to reassure him that i am not trying to mess with his head, but i know that this is hard for him to believe. so i am working on myself for the time being. my hopes are that i can learn to remain rational myself when things get difficult, and that this will create more stability in the relationship, and maybe even set an example that seeking help actually does HELP.
I once told my BPD ex that she was acting just like a complete narcissist, but i was happy when it happened because that seemed more healthy than the BPD response. This stunned her for a moment, but she didn't contradict me, even though she is a practicing professional psychologist. Admittedly, I was being a little too candid, but you know, sometime, when it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck ... I might have been more comfortable with the narcissistic presentation because I was (am?) one, and i recognize the old routines.
I know deep inside, and from reading, that BPD and NPD have many similarities and are probably built on insult to the ego of the child, and are (merely?) different strategies for dealing with the ideopathic pain that is experienced by the immature and twisted ego in the adult.
this makes me feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility, yet in a good way. i'm such a rescuer. but this is for the right person, i am sure of that.