Sorry that you are having trouble of the BPD kind. Rest assured, there is always a way out. Remember, however, that you can choose your behavior but not the consequences. Start by examining your own ideas.

- Why can't you eat?
- How did she ruin you financially?
- Is impossible for you to continue living together as housemates? If so, why?


It is difficult to provide advice without more information.

What is her situation?

- Does she refuse to make any financial or material contribution to the household? If so, what is her rationale?
- Where could she go if you put her out of your house?
- Has she threatened to harm you or herself?
- Does she have any job or income? If not, why not?

If she really has BPD, I expect that she is in worse shape emotionally than you, and you know how hard it can be to find a direction that offers any hope when you are feeling depressed and fragile.

I don't want to blather on in a vacuum, so for now I will close with the following advice.
a) You should talk with a lawyer, even if all you can afford is legal aide. Depending on where you live and how long you have been living together, your options will be more or less defined by law,
b) You should find a counselor who can help you think with your higher mind rather than with your fears and instincts, which are probably rampant at this time.

She has not contributed one cent since she moved in. I have asked and all I get are excuses and that she does contribute.

She is a pathological liar. Nothing is ever her fault. I don't care where she goes. She has verbally abused me and lied to me enough. She's a model, has income, but spends it all on herself. I have been very generous and very good to her. After the "honeymoon" stage was over is when I noticed all the BPD behavior.

All I know is I can't live with her anymore. I can't eat because she has emotionally abused me to the point where I am so depressed because of her behavior I can't eat.

Here are some options:

1) Become her worst nightmare
2) Introduce her to your replacement
3) Bite the bullet -- ask her to leave and threaten eviction if she refuses.
4) Buy her out. I.e. offer her whatever money she needs to get her own place.
(Don't be miserly. It's an investment)
5) Find another place to stay for a few weeks, then change the locks and have utilities turned off in the meanwhile.
6) Any combination of the above

Remember that people with personality disorders are as much "sick" as much as they are crazy, and that you owe her some compassion. At one time you invited her, or at least allowed her, to move into your home. What are her feelings toward you, and why do they no longer matter? Materially, what damage has she done? What has she lied about?

note: A woman I dated briefly invited me to her home mostly (as I learned the next morning) in order to piss off her live in ex-. I cannot recommend this method, since I was not amused by being so used.

What have you learned from your experience with her? Why do you think that she has BPD, rather than being just annoyingly narcissistic?

hi goover. sorry to hear you're stuck in this awful situation. is moving out an option for you? pack up, move out, change your number, block her emails? bpd or not, if she won't go, then maybe it should be you who does.

Here is an article, by Randi Krieger, about the difference between the relationship styles of BPD and NPD. It helps to know which one you are dealing with.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201202/problems-emotional-intimacy-typical-borderlines-and-narcissists

It is common for pwBPD and pwNPD to form a relationship that is filled with turmoil. This type of relationship has been documented by many authors. This blog topic has some very interesting reading on the topic:

http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=13880.0

One reply described the dynamics with crystal clarity ... it is reproduced here. The last paragraph was my ex-wife to a 'T'.

"In my experience in my family, Christine Lawson sums it up in a very scary, precisely accurate way.
My BPD mother was a queen borderline with many narcisstic traits strong enough to probably fit npd criteria also. She married my father who was NOT NPD, but was a King to her. He was off the charts intelligent with a photographic memory, top of his field medical doctor, spare time artist who had paintings showcased in museums, prolific writer, historian,etc. My mother would brag, brag, brag about his accomplishments and what a true Rennaissance Man he was (meaning brilliantly well rounded in science, arts, etc). My father was not a narcissist. He was actually pretty humble considering his accomplishments, but he was cold and unemotional and distant as a husband and father. Whether or not my mother created that, I'll never know now cause he's dead and I cannot ask him.

The oldest son of theirs is a narcissist also. I don't know if it rises to the level of a personality disorder. My bet is no simply because he doesn't need or want ANY flying monkeys or sichophants. Why? Because he already knows how great he is and he thinks absolutely everyone else on this planet is an idiot. No seriously, I don't think he respects or gives a crap about anyone else. He does have an extremely high IQ, but his EQ is negligible/non-existant?. He is a functioning alcoholic and a workaholic. He did not marry a borderline, but did marry a strong coda.

The other son went and got a phd in pscyhology. If you ask me, he's still got a lot to learn

Their first daughter is a waif borderline. A real victim mentality. Always sick, always complaining about something. Oh, but she's so sensitive and unselfish. Just ask her. She will tell you all about herself and how giving and sensitive and empathic she is. She'll tell you for an hour straight. But if you say something about yourself, she'll need to take off. Her current boyfriend is her frog prince. The frog she wants to turn into a prince. That is never going to happen. "

note: Christina Lawson is the author of "Understanding the Borderline Mother"

This article expands on BPD/NPD pair-bonding, and except for a few glaring misapprehensions (IMO) would have merited its own topic.

http://gettinbetter.com/dance.html

I found the phrase "Narcissists are frequently 'super-givers,' " to be particularly troubling, because it runs counter to the general idea of textbook N's having an overbearing sense of entitlement. The problem with the phrase stems from the word "frequently". Adult children of alcoholics can have simultaneously depressive, co-dependent and narcissistic traits, as a result of having a foreshortened childhood lacking a stable emotional milieu. These children sometimes grow up to be compulsive rescuers. (This was me.)

It is clear that failed narcissism is only one component of the deadly dance between pwNPD and pwBPD. Others include fear of abandonment/engulfment, desires for intimacy/isolation, etc. Each of the components has two poles in which each partner seeks its complement in the other, and is furthermore shifting in either direction in each partner on a daily basis. There are many ways to match up, and even more ways to have a falling out. In this dance, the more things change, the more they stay the same i.e. ultimately destructive.

The article exposes a house of mirrors, which the dance has always been, since the beginning of time.

I would like to credit and thank the author of the piece, Shari Schreiber M.A. In her conclusion, she refers to the debt that I owe to my ex-wife, a pwBPD.

"Narcissistic males generally cannot commit to esteem-building work, until their 'props' have vanished--meaning, they've lost their fortunes and good health, after involvement with a Borderline. "

In the aftermath, I was able to rebuild my self-esteem in a hopefully healthier way. I also want to acknowledge my growing debt to my current wife and love, for validating that effort in such a gratifying way.