SOBs Significant Others of Borderlines Community Group
Spouses and family members of people who have borderline personality disorder (BPD) are often victims of violent behavior, and frequent physical and emotional abuse . There is typically conflict in the relationship and in the individuals who are committed to maintaining the relationship in the presence of this disorder.
so last night after our little orphaned thanksgiving dinner i start talking about a band might start singing in... this is a delicate subject for my bpdbf, because he feels threatened by my activities as a woman in something that is predominantly a man's field (music). but i can't just pretend my life doesn't exist...
earlier that evening we were close and affectionate and making sexual comments and so forth, like the way things usually go in our relationship. then i was talking about the music. i felt him tense up but he didn't react, so i obviously didn't rub anything in to make it worse, but i didn't pretend like i have no life... then a few minutes later we were doing this thing we do, kind of silly, like a long hug mixed with a slow dance. his heart was pounding really hard so i mentioned it. next thing i know he's saying he wants to break up, that being in a relationship is too hard for him. that he hates feeling threatened but doesn't want to control me. that what i do triggers him so much and his feelings are so painful. we talked about it for a while. i wanted to be angry with him, but instead i expressed compassion for his feelings, because i know he was in a lot of pain. and i don't want him to be in pain.
but i don't want him to go.
now i don't really know what to think. what to feel. he has "left" me tons of times, but mostly under more explosive conditions, when he's already flipped to the defensive side. then he calms down and comes back. last night he didn't flip. but he still left. and i am trying to figure out if this is just a new way to carry out old behavioral patterns, or if this is the real thing. should i just wait it out like i have learned to do? and if he doesn't come back, when am i supposed to start grieving? even if you know that your lover has the tendency to act like a nutjob, it's still unsettling when he says he's leaving you...
earlier that evening we were close and affectionate and making sexual comments and so forth, like the way things usually go in our relationship. then i was talking about the music. i felt him tense up but he didn't react, so i obviously didn't rub anything in to make it worse, but i didn't pretend like i have no life... then a few minutes later we were doing this thing we do, kind of silly, like a long hug mixed with a slow dance. his heart was pounding really hard so i mentioned it. next thing i know he's saying he wants to break up, that being in a relationship is too hard for him. that he hates feeling threatened but doesn't want to control me. that what i do triggers him so much and his feelings are so painful. we talked about it for a while. i wanted to be angry with him, but instead i expressed compassion for his feelings, because i know he was in a lot of pain. and i don't want him to be in pain.
but i don't want him to go.
now i don't really know what to think. what to feel. he has "left" me tons of times, but mostly under more explosive conditions, when he's already flipped to the defensive side. then he calms down and comes back. last night he didn't flip. but he still left. and i am trying to figure out if this is just a new way to carry out old behavioral patterns, or if this is the real thing. should i just wait it out like i have learned to do? and if he doesn't come back, when am i supposed to start grieving? even if you know that your lover has the tendency to act like a nutjob, it's still unsettling when he says he's leaving you...
-
I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
i will also admit that this kind of emotional jerking-around has gone on long enough to where i am jaded, and no longer want to participate in it...
i'm also pissed off at him. he talks about what it means to be a man and be strong, etc, and yet it is his own fear that is making him run away from probably the most compassionate and true love he has ever had. maybe he is so attached to these kinds of relationship patterns, so used to them, that he feels threatened by the possibility that someone could come along and be, how to put it, lovingly consistent? someone who would actually push him to change his behavior and maybe even be able to establish a glimmer of trust? i want to say this to him...part of me thinks that would incompassionate to his feelings, but at the same time, these are MY thoughts and feelings, and are just as valuable.
i dunno. this is just so much work anymore... i'm like a goalie playing offense...
but i just reread what johnnycake said about my bf's chronic existence, and i'm thinking about dynamical's input about the neurochemical addiction, and i'm just so tired of this lifestyle. it's so hard to let go of this love that i have, though. and i've gotten so deeply involved in all of this that ive become afraid that i can't tell whether the love that i feel is completely genuine or if it's the idea that i wanted so badly to be true... and a part of that doubt does come from his telling me that my love for him is needy.
i know how i feel about him, and you would think that if you're constantly getting tested and eventually passing that you should become more confident in yourself, right? like i should consider myself a blackbelt in the emotional strength of my love. but all the tests never give him the confidence that i need. i don't want to be with somebody who believes in my love, i want to be with HIM and have him believe in my love. but i just don't think it's ever going to happen.
dynamical, do you have any books you could recommend on the neuropeptide rollercoaster? i find it very interesting.
and just like that, we're back together again...
i think, and maybe this can help others in similar situations, that when he goes into isolation i just have to use that time to improve things on my own end. pursue goals, clean house, do something creative that requires time alone. in a sense, this last episode was somewhat of a blessing, because it got me to connect with a lot of new people.
obviously, and no matter how much i love him, if i choose to be with someone like this, then i clearly have my own mental health issues. but, really, who doesn't? instead of trying to fix everything, i'm learning how to live full and be happy with who i am. this may sound a little sappy, but it's a precious and wonderful learning experience.