Single Parenting Support Group

Today being raised by a single parent is not uncommon. About three in ten children live in a single parent home. The most common type of single parent home is one with only a mother. However, single father homes are the fastest growing type of family situation; 60% growth in the last ten years alone.

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Very confused and don't know where to turn...

xjanedoe
xjanedoe
I will try to sum this up quickly, it could turn into a book if I let it! I have been divorced for 3 years and have shared legal and physical custody with my X. He had an affair and has been living with the other woman since he walked out. I have taken this quite well and have actually encouraged my 4 year old daughter to give her a chance. I have done everything I could do to make this easy on my Daughter. But about a year ago my X has been extrememly secretive and will not allow me to call him on the phone. I must e-mail him. My Daughter has been telling me things that horrify me. She has to let them sleep in every day, she cannot wake them up when she wakes up. She is alone in the house for hours. She sometimes sits at the dinner table for long periods of time until she finishes her plate (Her Grandmother called me about this, she witnessed it on Christmas. She sat there for 1hr 15min. They piled her plate with more than a 4 year old can possibly eat. They also had to wait until almost Noon to open presents because they were sleeping>) The most recent thing was that she got punished for crying that her Grandma was leaving. She also had a story this weekend about her telling her Dad that he hurt her feelings and his reply was "GOOD!". Now, I don't want to jump the gun and start accusing him of things if he is not really doing them so I am arranging a meeting with him to discuss it. My question to you is, do you think I am over reacting? I posted my concerns on another support site and someone accused me of having control issues and told me that I should not think about it and let them Parent the way they want to. That just doesn't sit right with me. What would you do?
deleted_user
deleted_user
i would def speak to ur ex about this...he knows how u were raising her when u were together and there is no reason that needs to change..
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would stop sending her there and go to court and report the claims your daughter made. And only corresponding with ex via e-mail is unacceptable and you should defenitly stop this. If he ca't communicate like an adult then that means he must be a child.
deleted_user
deleted_user
document document document everything in a journel...next get a court date...in CA a mediator is usually assigned, when you see the mediator bring up your concerns...for example, not being able to communicate with the other parent freely about issues that concern you about your daughter...it doesnt hurt to address your concerns about what is going on...just think what would happen if you didnt address them and you regretted it later after something serious happened.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am so sorry that you reached out for support only to have someone hurt your feelings. I don't believe that your concerns stem from "control issues." You and the X are co-parenting this child and that should call for mature communication. It is difficult to give up some issues. I was at the in-laws once and I just wanted to scream when mom mother-in-law harped on my 4 year-old to finish her plate. But obviously your concerns run much deeper. Do you think there is drug use going on?
Jleighanders
Jleighanders
In my opinion I would try my best to do something to limit her time there OR to at least get to the bottom of the strange behavior. Although you don't mention it would he be using drugs? or have a drinking problem? NO you are not over reacting to this. Like the old saying goes...better to be safe than sorry...I would check this out. And while you're at it have someone check out this person he is living with too.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I apologize for this very belated response but I agree with achewsy1... it is so important to document EVERYTHING! When I divorcing my ex, I had binders and binders full of documentation. It really helps when push comes to shove.

On a personal level, I'm so sad for your daughter! You should absolutely speak up and get that court date on the books ASAP!
deleted_user
deleted_user
No I don't think your over reacting. Especially if a grandparent has spoken up as to what they observed. If it persists you could ask for councelling or ask for supervised visits. If a child is old enough where I am and seems of sound mind they can choose which parent they live with. At 4 that is too young to probably be considered competent(I think it was between ages of 8 and 12 here).

I had a set of different concerns with my ex and my son. Like you I tried to consider the step mom with my son and not make him feel torn or in the middle. I told him he can call her mom if he wants. He said she doesn't want it because her sons wouldn't take it well(her sons reject my exhusband and aren't too friendly with my son either). But the step mom crossed a line this past year with two things. With no parental rights on my son and my ex never showing interest in his school, had a friend call about work experience, and also got ahold of transitioning papers before I'd ever seen them(and they normally aren't given out for a few more years). I've got sole custody of our son with joint guardianship. Anyways then there was an incident where my ex lost it, got suicidal, she dragged my son into it and he was traumatized. Her own children are out of control and my exhusband has complained on that.

So I can relate to what your going through. Though our kids are different ages and what happening is a bit different. I had my son in councelling for some of it though and the councellor did speak to his father. It did seem to help.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do not think that you are over reacting. I think that you have every right as a mother to find out what is actually going on. If her grandmother brought it to your attention then it's obvious that something is wrong with that picture.

The person who gave you that advise probably doesn't have kids. So I would not take her advise.

It is not what you say, but how you say it. So my advise to you is to bring your concerns to him without being accusatory.

Don't worry about doing the right thing. I know if that were me I would follow up on it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
My two cents: Let him know you have some concerns about the treatment of your daughter, not his household. Advise him that it is illegal to leave her alone and unsupervised for as long as he does. Tell your daughter to keep you apprised of everything that makes her feel uncared for or uncomfortable. Teach her your phone number so she can call you when she is alone and if you can, stay on the phone with her until they wake up. That way your phone bill will prove how long she was alone. I'm wondering who is giving her breakfast when they are "sleeping in". Then document everything and take it back to court and ask for supervised visitation until he gets it together. You are not overreacting. If something were to happen, social services is coming to get her from them and then you have to prove yourself to get her back.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am sorry about the accusations on the other site. Some people jump the gun and don't know what the hell they're talking about!

I agree with DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT!

It would piss me off too, treating a child like that. Go for it and good luck!
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