I think the thing that helped us most was establishing (in writing) a set of household rules that everyone is expected to abide by. Then we made any perks or extras dependent upon adherence to those rules. Also, consistency in enforcing the rules and removing privileges (even when inconvenient for the grown ups) was super helpful. We use a graduated system where one violation usually results in a warning, another (within a set time period) results in the loss of some privileges, next violation more privileges are lost, etc.

I know that other parents also have success awarding points for following the rules (for a specific amount of time) and then allowing the kid to use the points to "buy" privileges.

Also, the rules should be things that the kiddo is capable of complying with, and few enough in number (5-10??) so that the kiddo can reasonably remember them.

So, rules are one approach.

Another approach would be a role reversal day where she does everything you do (with you along for safety and to act like she does). The point of that would be for her to see from experience the tough things an adult has to deal with that she isn't ready for yet.

The rules route enforces your positional authority (I'm the mom, I make the rules, you dont obey you won't get what you want).
The role reversal displays your expertise/technical authority (I'm the expert so it's in your best interest to listen to me).

I have heard that some parents say to their kids "would you like to try that again with a respectful tone", before imposing a consequence (with the expectation that the child will fix their error).. I guess that would be a kind of "warning".

As a tween she probably still relies on you for a lot of stuff you don't have to give her and things you don't have to do for her.

That's all that comes to mind for now. I hope you find the solution that works for you.

Kids growing up can be a fun but challenging stage for any parent. Has anything majorly changed in you alls life? One thing it is important to do is to be consistent in what you expect from your child based on the needs to be a successful adult and how God guides us in the Bible to raise his kids. This is by establishing household standards that are reinforced. Some of the expectations you all can make together is what respect and love looks like for both of you. This is of course with reason, because sometimes teens make requests that are not reasonable or wise for their well-being. Secondly, we must provide grace as they try to develop who they are and what God wants them to be.....but most importantly to pray for your child and yourself daily, no exceptions. As a teen, they need their parent(s) more than ever so quality time together regularly ….making them feel and know you love them regardless ( even with consequences) is so important. They may sway but if you have raised them in a God loving home they will find themselves back. Be a role model as well to what you expect of them. Lastly keep your child in the church, investing with other individuals that can be a role model but also a positive influencer. Be open for counseling for you and your child individually, if needed. Praying for you and your child to grow closer together and push past this stage of life successfully with a close relationship with the Lord and with love.

I would recommend being firm in what you are asking or saying even if that means yelling at her to show her you are her mom and not her friend and she must respect you. I would also try to ask her if she is currently going through something socially. My daughter tends to shut everyone out and snap back at me and my family when she is going through something with her friends I found that if you sit down and ask her if she's okay or whats going on. They will open up a lot more if you just sit and listen.