Single Parenting Support Group
Today being raised by a single parent is not uncommon. About three in ten children live in a single parent home. The most common type of single parent home is one with only a mother. However, single father homes are the fastest growing type of family situation; 60% growth in the last ten years alone.
I have received a judgement entry entitling the father of my child with whom I never lived with, and have a 5 month relationship, to have visitations and shared parenting plan. After he abandoned me and my child since I was 8 weeks pregnant. Through this legal process that lasted 2+ years since my child was born, the little communication we had is non-existant now and as I am facing overnights and other decisions I literally do not trust nor have the avenues of communication with my child's father.
However, I am thinking that since this is something I will have to face for some time I should reach out so I can explain where my worries come from, to kind of tell him my experience as a single mom and extend an invitation to sit down and talk about expectations and the values and principles we would like to raise the child and tried to start communication. I must say he is a very conflictive and narcisistic person who have always tried to intimidate me and threat to take further legal actions. Would any one has gone through this and what is your advice in handling...the future.
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I have 3 kids. 24. 17. 15. My 17 yr old has become super defiant. He and his 15 yr old sister have on their own decision stopped going to their dads because he and his household is so toxic.My 15 yr old and myself feel like we have to tip toe around my son who is 17. And physically towers over us and out weighs us. He has become emotionally abusive and on the verge of becoming physically...
I would put basic information onto a sheet and both email it to him and hand him a copy. But I would keep it VERY limited to information about the child.
Like it or not, he can't set the rules/values that you have for your child at your house. And you can't set the rules/values that you have for her at his house.
So if you are atheist (as I am) and he's Christian, unless court documents say otherwise, he can take them to church. And likewise you can talk about your atheist values.
My ex was the ultimate DisneyLand Dad. When my kids were allowed to stay up until midnight (or later) at their father's house, and had to go to bed at 8pm here...I only told them "Follow House Rules wherever you are".
School rules at school
Follow your friend's parent's rules at their house
Grandma's rules with grandma
Movie theater rules there,
Dad's rules at Dad's house
And so forth.
Kids can and do learn different rules without a problem. I didn't get to argue with the school about their rules. I had no chance of winning with my ex arguing with him.
The LAST thing that you want to get into an argument about is about what house rules will be with her father.
(((Actually with time, he adopted more of my rules just because they worked.)))
***My kids were 5 and 7 when all of this started for me. They're 16 and 18 now. I couldn't have asked for better kids. They get along with both their father and me. They both also finally "get" what it was like for me when they were young. And that...is like a miracle.***
When the kids left to visit their father I said "I hope you have a good time."
When they got back I said "I hope that you had a good time."
I never asked them questions about what happened over there. (Hint: The less you ask, the more they tell. I can't tell you the number of times when they spilled the beans on the entire visit before they'd even taken their coats off.)
My child's father and I weren't married, and visitation is one of the reasons I didn't pursue child support. I knew that even though he didn't want another child and I was going to have to raise him alone, if I would've asked for child support he would've tried to challenge me for custody and that wouldn't have been safe for my son at all, in any way, ever.
Can your lawyer appeal the judgement?
If he's really narcissistic and tries to intimidate you could that be legal cause for him having less or no contact with the child?
Make as many of your friends and family aware of the situation as you can, because if anything goes wrong you'll want people to take your side- in person.
Also, about the narcissism...... Don't sit him down and discuss your concerns as being concerns (I think this would cause a narcissist to try to use those concerns against you). You might tell him stuff to look out for while watching your kid. Hints about how your child is developing, or what kids this age usually do. But not that you're "concerned", to a narcissist that sounds like ,"here's how to hurt or demean me".
I wish you a wonderful support network and hope that both you and your child will weather this. I hope your narcissist turns out better than mine.
I found out through this process that he is treated as the underdog. As he is seen as trying and me the evil person who want him to be at bay, which was never the case. I just want to protect my child. as I am the one who knows her best. He is still a stranger for her, I am not sure she has the concept of what a father is.
Thank you
The priority is your child and I trust you have her best interest in mind :)
Co-Parenting is not always easy but can be done. The courts determine if there is any risk or harm to the child on either party's side and if there is not then sharing custody is usually the end result. Perhaps making the best connection that you could with him and his girlfriend would set the groundwork for a united front. Your daughter could have the best of both worlds full of love and protection. Set aside differences, set your eyes on the prize which is cohesiveness for your baby! Perhaps going to counseling? Getting a mediator? Whatever it takes to build a positive connection :)
You will be glad you did!
I am just joining this group and I hope everything is going well. I have a similar situation with the father of my daughter. He was controlling and narcissistic. What has helped me parent with him is a few resources I have found online and a parenting style called parallel parenting. I took a co-parenting course on Up To Parents to help me understand how my daughter will be affected and what the best practices are when it comes to co-parenting with someone you do not get along with.
I use an app called Custody X Change to keep a record of when he does not follow through on his days to take our daughter. I hope he maintains our current schedule but my main concern is consistency for my daughter. My daughter is 2 and my goal is to create a safe consistent environment for her. I have accepted I can't control everything that happens when she is with him but I do keep records when he is pawning her off to his family as this causes further uncertainty for her. If he continues being inconsistent I plan to go back to court and revisit our visitation plan.