Parenting Teenagers (12-18) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of teenagers (12 to 18 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development.
I have 3 kids. 24. 17. 15. My 17 yr old has become super defiant. He and his 15 yr old sister have on their own decision stopped going to their dads because he and his household is so toxic.
My 15 yr old and myself feel like we have to tip toe around my son who is 17. And physically towers over us and out weighs us. He has become emotionally abusive and on the verge of becoming physically abusive. He defiantly uses his size to intimidate me and his sister.
I cant take it much longer. I know most of you will give me the usual advice... I get it. I'm educated in child development and have worked in a residential facility for kids who have been removed from their homes... I get it. I do.
But with my own son.... I see his pain and frustration. I acknowledge it, talk with him about. And we make pacts to change. But he doesn't and I'm emotionally, mentally, and physically defeated. Advice?
So sorry you're having to deal with this. Sending hugs and thoughts of support as you work through this in a way that hopefully works for your family.
As far as "the usual advice" I'm not sure what that is, so I might be about to spout some of it.....
I understand that the current trends value connection with a child over eliciting obedience and respectful treatment. While connection is valuable it's not OK for him to behave aggressively/disrespectfully. In this issue I have family support, i.e. male family members who are on board with the 'we don't treat each other that way' position and can reinforce it. Do you have a male coworker or family remember who he respects who could talk to him? Since he's not changing, you probably already know that that means either he's not able to and needs help with that, or the benefit of him not changing is outweighing the effort it would take to make the change. Does he experience some kind of negative consequences when he behaves that way? Not suggesting you take his car keys or ground him or anything, haha, but if he is getting what he wants with no negative consequences then you know his talking to you to say he'll change is lip service. If for any reason he's not able to change, it's still his responsibility to get assistance with that situation. Is he seeing a counselor? Or, has a mentor? Do your agreements with him include accountability other than to himself? And, specific actions that he's going to take to improve his behavior? Since your situation isn't fair or healthy for you (or your 15 year old) it's great that you're looking for ideas to change it. Is your 24 year old in a position to influence him? You're right that now s not the time to keep quiet about it.
Is there someone else he could live with for a while? His father? An uncle or grandparent?
You deserve to be treated respectfully in your own home.
I don't know how much of this is the usual advice, but if he can't learn to control himself maybe he needs to be found a different residence. If he's not busy maybe he'd like to volunteer at or tour your work for a preview of what it could be like....
I hope you find something that works for your family.
Peace and blessings.
Beryl