Single Parenting Support Group
Today being raised by a single parent is not uncommon. About three in ten children live in a single parent home. The most common type of single parent home is one with only a mother. However, single father homes are the fastest growing type of family situation; 60% growth in the last ten years alone.
I have been divorced from an emotionally abusive husband (relationship lasted 23yrs) for 5 years now. I have never regretted coming to a home without him in it since the day I left. It was like a huge boulder had fallen off of my shoulders. A parent of two children, my son (who is the youngest) has been diagnosed with ADHD and has a very definant personality, especially towards me. It's gotten worse over the years as he has gotten older and his father is further out of his life, parenting-wise. His respect for me is almost non-exsistant. Normal methods of parenting do NOT work for a child with definance issues. Last night he was in a manic mode, going crazy, and would not go to bed no matter how many times I asked or how much I threatened; he then yelled and berated me. I usually become angry when he acts like this, but last night I saw and heard his father in his voice and actions. It shocked and threw me right back into the abuse I felt all those years ago. I cannot have this happen, but how do you try to fix it with a child who won't listen and an ex who is hands off whenever I am concerned.
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I have 3 kids. 24. 17. 15. My 17 yr old has become super defiant. He and his 15 yr old sister have on their own decision stopped going to their dads because he and his household is so toxic.My 15 yr old and myself feel like we have to tip toe around my son who is 17. And physically towers over us and out weighs us. He has become emotionally abusive and on the verge of becoming physically...
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's really tough to live with someone who, intentionally or not, pushes your buttons.
Firstly, you probably already now this, but you cannot truly fix or control another person without their cooperation. (Sorry.)
There are a few things you could try though. You said that he 'was in manic mode', is that part of his ADHD? Is he also bipolar? (What I'm trying to ask is was the 'manic mode' under his control, or does he need some kind of medication to help with it?) If the behavior is not something he can control, but it is underlying a problem then medication is worth considering. [My child has actually had trouble with activity levels for years].
Threatening children.. I was raised that way, and tried that with my son when he was younger. I was the kind of sensitive approval-seeking child who caved and complied, but my son ...nope ... he is the opposite with the metaphorical heel-digging-in etc. Over the years I stopped threatening and just started imposing consequences. It's working better for us, but nothing is perfect (and we aren't either).
My last suggestion is the one that benefitted me most, and may or or may not help you, I worked to deactivate my main buttons. I didn't feel comfortable talking to a counselor so I worked on it on my own using a combination of assertiveness and shifting my perspective. I am more difficult to set off mow, but I might still eventually consult a counselor.
Oooh, and since you said this is your youngest son, is there an older brother (respected male) who could chat with him about 'how we talk to mom'?
I hope any of this helps.
Best wishes.