Who ever has majority custody makes the final decisions, within reason. Do you and kids a favor, get past the hurt and anger.

we currently have joint legal and physical custody. she has no home and stays here with us on her nights with the kids. it is challenging and difficult as we cannot even talk about a single thing without her getting bitter and pissed off at wanting to convince herself I still love her and want her back. she's very dillusional and can't keep the focus on the children. so, she treats them like pets, I treat them like my children who need love and nuturing, and stabiility.

Good post, I think I agree with zoot. I have good reason to be angry with my ex. I just bite my tongue and control myself, and yes it is hard, and work out our issues. As far as rules go I have the kids 6 days a week so my rules are the rules she has to follow. If this isn't happening then I can make her life harder until she does start to come around. The only one she still violates currently is bedtime with them. She doesn't say it but I am pretty sure of it happening as the kids will not go to sleep until 2 hours past their normal bedtime after a day over at mom's place.

Good Luck

Zoot's right -- you two have to resolve the hurt and anger, not the issues that caused it, but just the symptoms. You'll never get resolution to 99% of the stuff that killed your marriage, so treat the symptoms only. Could you two engage in some "couples" counseling? We're doing that, and it's been helpful to have a non-biased referee to help sort the useful discussions from the rest. Well worth it.

My rules at my house, her rules at her house. That's how we do it. I wish we could be in more aggreement, but we can't so I just explain to my kids that we are two different and very seperate people and they have to adjust accordingly. My kids are teenagers, so I don't know if that is better or worse, but it seems to be working for us for the most part.

I agree with alot of what has been said above, about the 'my house, my rules' kind of thing.

There is no such thing as an ideal world, or the perfect parent. You just have to take each day as it comes. If you and your ex wife don't agree, then sod her. That's why you split up n the first place.

The kinds will grow up with or without being raised properly.

Just try and relax, and when she brings up your divorce, just keep your mouth shut and let it slide. She'll get over it eventually.

Put the kids first, obviously, make sure they are having a laugh, and the rest will fall into place around that.

Have you considered buying her a new boyfriend?