Anyone can change, it takes practice and desire. It's like the desire for sex. Do I desire sex every day, no. Do I desire to be held and not pawed, yes. Does he desire for me to compliment him, yes. Do I desire for him to help when he sees the need, yes. (Without being asked) Do I desire for him to talk to me with out the TV on, yes.
Now if your H came home saw you starting dinner, dropped everything to help you. (However you needed the help, kids, chop salad, clean up) then helped clean up after dinner, asked you about your day. Poured your favorite glass of wine. You get the kids ready for bed. You take that long walk up stairs and realize he has a bath drawn and a fresh glass of wine waiting. How is your desire now?
It's called meeting the emotional need of the other. It has taken us practice but it works. I get my needs met and am in love with him. Not just because he stuck it out with me for 27 years. Because he shows me love. Taking time to help me, talk to me, do nice thing for me. Pay attention to me! In turn I meet his needs. Sex, companionship, (yes I go fishing and hunting however I enjoy it) compliment him, I give him my undivided attention.
We work through any triggers I may have, he holds me and apologizes.
Am I romantisizing this. Should you be able to sustain romantic love. It depends how bad you want to. If not your H or W will find it somewhere else. I know I would.
I would never stay in a marriage if it wasn't possible to be better post A. There isn't any reason to settle.

Cali: You shared, "Should you be able to sustain romantic love. It depends how bad you want to. If not your H or W will find it somewhere else. I know I would. I would never stay in a marriage if it wasn't possible to be better post A. There isn't any reason to settle. "

Whether or not my H finds it somewhere else is irrelevant to me. He can and does do exactly as he wishes. However, he apparently couldn't find that with me, and that is relevant to me. I once felt as you shared...that I would never stay in a marriage if it wasn't possible to be better post A. But, I have never been this age, nor experienced these events, so, I can only experience it now. I know that it would be great to have a romantic relationship with someone. I mean, how nice that would be. But, to ignore how I really feel would be not only impossible, but non-productive. The facts are...that is how I feel. At this time, I see not particular reason to end the relationship at this late stage in life. I would never seek that kind of relationship again anyway. So, what would I be gaining? And, I do not believe for one moment that two people who have lived together as long as we have are going to suddenly change who we are. I know I am not going to be able to become someone else at this point, nor do I want to. I lived my life, with the information available to me at any given time, exactly as I felt it ought to be done. But, that is what "I" felt with the knowledge I had.

I can never, ever, know what he felt, because I am not him. I can, however, see the tangible results of his feelings....manifested in what he did...and does. A wise sage once wrote to observe a tree. In so doing, I could learn what that tree is by the fruit it bears. Apple trees will eventually bear apples...and so on. So, by that token, I can also see what a person is...by the fruit they bear. So, when I discovered what my H was actually doing, I could also see a large part of what he was thinking. I believe we don't do things without some thought process. In that way, I can see the thoughts manifested in the behavior.

You mention all of the nice things....the starting dinner....the glass of wine...the bath....etc. My H has "always" done those kinds of things...and more. However, that didn't change his secret behaviors in the least. So, now, today, he still does those things. Consequently, it isn't some horrible day-to-day relationship and it never was. I would have had no desire to maintain it if it had been abusive all of the time. So, I think that today, I can accept those kinds of gestures as what they are...a day-to-day way of living. But, to believe, or say, that he does these things, so he doesn't do the other things too, is not believable. He was able to them all along. So, what could I expect at this late stage in life anyway? I shared that I wouldn't go looking for that kind of relationship again anyway, and I meant that. I wouldn't even want to try that myself, I am no longer the person I once was...in that regard. So, could I expect that he would be? Men do not outlast women that way.....I believe.