I am sorry you are feeling so low. I am not surprised that you are depressed. I had 2 depressions prior to going to therapy. That was back in the 1974 and 1986 . In 1987 I started therapy. It was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. In fact I am still in therapy to grow stronger. I too carried so much shame. but now I see that it was not my shame. It was the shame of the abuser. I did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. You were 10 yrs old. My hope is that you think about therapy. Most therapists who work with sexual abuse survivors will understand your feelings of being dirty. Please remember you did not LET this happen. You were a child. It will take time to get beyond it being your fault. But if u ask everyone on here they will say the same. If you need to message me or chat I am available.

Abusers take advantage of children at ALL ages. I didn't tell anyone about my Father until I was 37 years old. I was afraid of not being believed, I was ashamed and I was afraid. It's really despicable that these pediphiles instilled these feelings in the innocent children.
Please don't allow the monster that hurt you,to destroy your life. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Grown ups are supposed to help and protect the children, not hurt them.
I finally told when I was 42 years old and got the negative reaction that I thought I would get if I had told when I was younger. I felt liberated. My father died within a year of being found out. He did admit to his dirty deeds before he died but I still got shunned from family because of it.
I wish that you find peace within you and begin to realize that you were an innocent child who didn't ask for any of it. Yes, we have to live with what was dealt to us,until we die but you can have peace and move on. It's a choice we make every day of our lives. If you have to do it one day at a time,do it. It will soon turn into weeks, them months and then years. Don't allow that low life to cripple you,psychology. He isn't worth it...........

My heart goes out to you, and also relates to you. I was abused by my step father from 9-13yrs old. I have felt many of the same emotions you are expressing in your post. Remember it is never the childs fault. There is nothing for you to be ashamed about. Though I know the feelings of shame and guilt that are felt. My abuse took far more from me than my innocence. I suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, seizures, and migraines all believed to be a direct result of my abuse. Do not let it consume you. Even now while I am 7 months into therapy, I am still struggling, at many days I wish I could forget. But if you hold it in, I assure you it will slowly but surely eat you alive, from the inside out. Remember, I know it is hard, but healing is worth it. Keep your head up.

Thanks for all your replys I just really don't know how to get past the way I am feeling, I feel depressed all the time even with taking this medication which isn't really working so I still feel like hurting myself I don't know what to do

yes it does feel dirty and also the medication dosent work. now im going what the hell did you do to me and want to cry, then they go
mental health issues thru child abuse. i wanted to forget to, would
they leave it alone ? every 5 mins so i had the paedos or more violence over something or other turn up. they kept on an on, over an over till i screamed
i screamed at the doctors the police an others, threatened to sue them,
slammmed the door in their faces, got hospitalized, dont blame yourself, i had that effect of letting things happen, so i didnt they then got violent. but thats what you think about letting anything happen
i did too. it was torturous when they talk to you an hold you in full consent at first. they do that here. but thats what goes thru youre mind
of letting anything or anyone. at that level they do it anyway one way or another
if that cut in in you, they would have done it to you anyway as far as im aware so its not youre fault, at that proximity or pressure level they
may well attack, even on a return visit over things related to it all
i hope that dosent hurt, its not meant to i know how easy it hurts at that level too., but as far as i know
thats what happens.
i hope you feel better big hugggss x

I totally understand how you feel. I still to this very day feel ashamed (even when I know I should NOT). I come from very traditional cultural beliefs so it's even harder to shed but i DO know that ONE day at a time and focus on something, ANYTHING no matter how small to bring you happiness or joy (I don't care if it's a comedy, a lunch out with friends, a book, a movie, just do something daily for YOU to switch your focus). It might seem mechanical but initially it will since we constantly abuse ourselves after we go through this because we FEEL inferior and dirty but we are NOT..we are survivors of this horrible acts and DO not allow these monsters to win! You have us! Prayers of peace to you!

It was not your job to stop him!

First-it was his own job to control himself.
He chose to go around a child knowing he had a harmful predisposition to abuse.
He chose to totally violate your trust.
Your dad's trust as well.
Your dad ought to have kept more of an eye on him, and wondered why his friend seemed so interested in his 10-year-old. So while I don't blame your dad, the fact is he failed to protect you.
It was his job to protect you from threats, and he did not do a very good job of it.
You were 10. Ten year olds can't control themselves very well, much less an adult man.
You have no blame.
If it felt good, if you sought it, you are STILL not to blame-because you were groomed:

http://www.vachss.com/guest_dispatches/grooming.html

Making it pleasurable is a grooming tactic.
Often the abuser will say we wanted it because we got aroused. The fact is that we responded involuntarily. Physiologically. All they did was discover we had normal nerve endings. Doesn't mean we wanted it, because it F'ed us up badly.

Thanks for all your kind words I know it wasn't my fault I shouldn't feel the way I do but I just can't help it. I know I should lay the blame at the man who abused me but it is so hard not hate and blame myself for what he did to me. I have thought about couselling but I het scared that I will have relive what that horrible man did to me any ideas how I get past this would be helpful