Meant to add this-
THIS IS NOT ABOUT LETTING THE ABUSERS GET AWAY WITH THEIR BEHAVIOR - it's about changing your thinking for the better and forming a healthier attitude about life. They still have all the blame for what they did and should be held responsible for such. This is not to say you should be around them or feel "good" toward them, just not carrying the negative feelings around all the time.
Refuse2quit

what you say about hatred only hurting yourself i completly agree with i think its the word forgiveness i have a problem with but the action is probably more important than the word and i could easily say lettings things go which personally i would prefer to forgiveness. Because to me your forgiven if you are truly sorry. I suppose i can forgive a sick person too and maybe thats a way to think about it but its difficult to forgive when you have never recieved an apologize.

What you're saying sounds good. But I can't do it. I hate my abusers, and I hate all such abusive people who badly hurt children. I don't feel this hate all the time - only when reminded of such things. And I feel peace about my hatred - self acceptance of my feelings. I still have a big deep wound from the abuse, I don't know how this is ever going to heal.

I have not forgiven & will not. Forgiveness is an emotion a pretty word to cope. If offenders are "sorry" they wouldn't do it again and again. Forgiveness is for those whom are sry not for the wicked.

I can not and refuse to forgive anyone who has harmed me over the yrs. I've run into a previous offender and it was an awful encounter, but I was no longer a scared child that anger I had the encounter I experienced I feel helped me more than forgiveness. When someone toys you with you body mind and soul they can cease to exist for all I care.

I've a lot if anger and I cling to it because it means (to me) that I haven't given up on my humanity. I can still feel something. Revenge was a better taste in my mouth and I regret only a few things in my life.
Now,
I would like to apologize as I know I carry quite a bit of anger (sometimes too much) however this kind of topic tends to trigger some deep seeded need to spew my anger. I know you meant know harm and I have been working on controlling my anger but I've carried it so long that it's like a warm blanket I get chilly without. I meant no offense to anyone here.

What powerful responses from you all - and as I said, everyone has their own approach and understanding of this concept. And perhaps a better, more basic question is "what is forgiveness?" For me it means that, if my abusers were still alive and I saw them hurting or in need I would offer to help. I think it is because I AM better than them - I don't want anyone to hurt or be in pain, no matter what they did to me. I do feel anger, frustration and rage over people hurting others, but I express those feelings, validate them, acknowledge that I have a reason for them, then I do "let them go" - and I say "I forgive them" to myself as I did not walk in their shoes thank God.
And were they alive, without their apology or request, I honestly would say - "I forgive you" to their face. Because I am at peace with my life - that this happened and I can't change that. But I have chosen not to them - it just is not an emotion that I can not enjoy the feeling of. I know I did not feel hatred before they abused me and that was a very good feeling. Again, I see no benefit for myself from it.
That is just my thoughts, and I want to thank ALL of you for your responses - I knew this would be a hot topic for many, but I hope it makes us all think about what it even means to forgive and if that is possible someday. Again, I would intend no harm to anyone, but if I embraced hatred, I am afraid I would then want to act on it.
All my best -
Refuse2quit

I can understand what you're saying Refuse2quit but for me I've been angry since I was very young. Long history of unfortunate events...
They made me who I am today and I'm at peace with that. I can not get to a point of forgiveness for those who have no morality however. For me to forgive them appeases what they did.

I'm not in a very good place atm .... so no forgiveness from me at this point.... not saying it won't ever happen... just can't see it happening any time soon.... those men ruined my life and up until I can process and gain control again... up until I can love those parts of me that feel soiled and damaged and broken beyond repair... up until I can stand proud and tall and not meek and defeated... then that's how I will be

I do understand completely where you are coming from Refuse2quit... forgiveness would be for my benefit not for theirs..... to hold such hatred in my heart would be poison to me not them... but maybe it's not about forgiveness but acceptance.. there will come a day where I full accept what happened to me and also accept that I won't allow it to rule my every waking thought and I won't allow them to ultimately win and continue to hold that abuse over me for the rest of my life...... I'll accept that it happened and move on.... that's my hope for the future

good post btw

I still cannot forgive my abuser for what he did to me. I think I need to understand well and remember more things of what happened to be able to try to take that step which I think it would be one of the last ones. I have read that one can recover without forgiving. I also think that the anger, hatred and rage inside us makes us damage and the forgiveness, if we can, it would benefit us and not the abusers since they don't care at all about our feelings. My abuser is a psychopath, as far as I understand, so he doesn't care about my feelings at all. I think that to forgive is pretty good for the people who can do it. For me, forgiveness is to be in peace with what happened, accept it and not to wish anything negative to the others for what they did wrong against you.

eReeves -
There really is no reason to apologize - I knew when I posted this that it may trigger some very strong emotions for some. And I have been dealing with my abuse for 46 years now and this is simply MY evolution. My question was basically "what do you think of holding onto hatred" - and you have made very valid points - anger, frustration, hatred - they are all a part of our emotional spectrum and they do allow us to feel alive and whole. I totally validate your and everyone else's beliefs about this subject, because I asked how you felt, not telling you how you SHOULD feel. For me, I was not raised to be angry or to have hatred toward others. BUT that was my life. And I expected that some may really get hit hard by this question. I wasn't trying to upset anyone, just telling where I am at and wondering where others were.
Again, no apology needed - you are angry, but you answered me in a respectful tone and I admire that. Thank you for that!
rubyblue-
Well, you know how I feel about you!! and I admire that strength that you have shown here - Maybe the true test is whether you can hate another, but treat all others fairly and without bias? I know you do. You and I have shared too much for me not to know you have a wonderful heart and are truly a compassionate person.
I knew what I was getting into when I posted this - as long as you are respectful, no hard feelings at all to anyone!!!
This is about YOU and how YOU deal with such - so if I ask the question, I expect a variety of answers!!!
All my best - no offense meant - and I do hope you all know that.
Refuse2quit

positiveoutcome -
What an eloquent and elegant way to express your feelings! And you are right - your abuser was a psychopath. You truly have a kind and wonderful heart. I so enjoy your input!!
Thanks,
Refuse2quit

Forgiveness is a powerful word. When I was very young I told my story of abuse to a minister. His response was for me to find it in my heart to forgive my abuser. In hindsight I was asking this minister to validate me. Validation is something I had never received. My father actually forced me to apologize to my abuser and his family for making up such terrible lies. So when I went to this man of god I was hoping to be told that I was loved and lovable and I would have someone to watch over me. What happened was once again my pain was ignored and I was instructed to do something for my abuser.

No. I don't forgive. I don't think I need to forgive to get through the anger. I don't think I need to forgive to be whole again. If anyone deserves forgiveness it is myself. I need to forgive myself for judging myself, for the wounds I have inflicted on my own body, for the times I have felt it was my lot in life to be used by men. I need to forgive myself for feeling unlovable and damaged beyond repair.

My abuser is free to seek forgiveness from whoever he chooses. It simply doesn't matter to me.

Forgiveness is tricky. Who do I forgive? The abusers (stepfather and dad) and/or my mom for not dealing with her own problems and attracting pedophiles. I feel I have dealt with my stepfather a long time ago. However, my father even though I kicked him out of my life still haunts me with feelings and images. My mother has been waiting for her forgiveness because she sees that I am stuck in the healing process. Although, she still is not able to attract a healthy partner and that scares both me and my sister about having our own kids. Apparently I have a lot of people to forgive including, my stepmother and all of aunts, uncles and cousins who now have turned a blind eye or taken my father's side. That seems like an impossible journey that I should not have to deal with. It feels like I get punished and have to do all the dirty work for being the victim. Done with the pity and trying to take one step at a time. I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend which I am planning a future with.

Again, these are all very valid and worthy emotions. I really guess I wrote the message incorrectly because I have had to do a lot of messaging about what I was saying.
I do not think ANYONE but me has the need to forgive - others may, but I certainly cannot make that judgement for you. But I have carried the negativity of hatred and despise with me for too many years and it no longer serves me. It has just become another hurdle. My intent was to start a discourse on the subject of who the hatred is really hurting and if forgiveness is an option for others - nothing more.
CBG & Healing31- You are both totally within your rights and it is very healthy should you chose never to forgive - we all have to come to grips with the mourning of our loss of innocence in our own way and time. I certainly was NOT saying you had to forgive or even work toward that. Again, my wording my be off because I have spent over 10 hours today on this forum and another, having to explain this. I was just asking about other peoples feelings about the subject, not giving a directive or say that forgiveness was the goal anyone but me should try for. My abusers are dead. My feeling toward them are hurting only me now, so after 46 years of carrying them I am laying them down. It is what my belief in a higher power is telling me to do at this time.
And in NO WAY was I saying any abuser should be forgiven or should deserve less than the most extreme punishment for their crime. I am just saying where I am now. My hatred has not helped anyone for a long time - there was a time it fueled me and it has kept me pushing along in the past, when otherwise I might not have. But I do not need or want it any longer.
Interestingly Healing, since I started this post, I found an area of anger and hurt that I have not really ever addressed, and it sounds like some you mentioned. My second abuser's wife was my Mother's younger sister; I would say she is a bitch, but I respect female dogs to much for that. After my uncle started molesting me, she suspected such was occurring. She wanted a divorce, and I know from her personality she would have LOVED to taken him for all he was worth. When I was 14 she started making a point to contact my mother and arrange for me to come visit them several states away during the summer months. My mom was really oblivious to what was happening, but I know my aunt was not, as she almost walked in on us once and she gave me the "AH-HA" look. From that time on she did everything she could to "arrange" for him and me to be together, and I am now certain it was with the intent to catch him molesting me and have him jailed so she could take everything they owned. The last time he touched me I finally had had enough and in a totally dark room, in the basement at 3:00 or so in the morning, I aimed at where I thought his crotch SHOULD be judging from where his voice was coming from and where his hands were. I kicked him so hard I lifted him off the floor and sent him sprawling backwards. Before he had time to hardly hit the floor, the lights came on and my aunt came rushing downstairs carrying a camera. He made an excuse that he heard me having a nightmare and came to check on me. It was all so surreal, I really thought little about her until many months later. Then just one day it hit - she was using me to 'bait" him to get him jailed and get a divorce. I have never been able to be around her since. I just accepted that it was due to a lot of her nasty personality issues, but I have really come to realize today how much I still despise the woman.
So as I said originally (what seems like a decade ago) I still have work to do. But the holding of anger and hatred at two men who are dead and who both suffered really painful deaths, no - it's no longer necessary for my health and I think it is for the best that I get it out.
But, I encourage all of you to follow where your heart leads in this matter - you need to express the anger, betrayal and hatred that you have for your abusers, should you have any. I am not saying anything about ANYONE ELSE needing to do anything, but I just think that I am at that point.
I do hope you all have a good night - This has been a particularly powerful post for me and I have had to do a lot of correspondence about it. I do hope it helped SOMEONE in some way.
All my best -
Refuse2quit

I've learned this is a difficult topic for many I wish we had another word as word itself seems to engender resistance. My take on it it is valid for me and is my opinion only.

I am of the belief that forgiveness is an important part of healing for many...but it's the last step in a long process that can't be circumvented. I think many people are told or let to believe they "need" to forgive their abuser in order to improve. That's nonsense...we can't even begin to consider "forgiveness" until we've dealt with what happened and worked through all the issues and emotions particularly the anger/rage. One has to get in touch with and express the anger, grief, sadness over what was done to them...this process may take a long time to discharge but it must not be cut short...I'm just saying at some point when the anger work has been done...it is through forgiveness that it is most easily released. Our forgiving really has nothing to do with the perp....the act of forgiveness is an act of love for ourselves. In essence, it's saying I am no longer willing to harm myself by continuing to carry around this anger toward you. I am turning it loose...forgiveness isn't absolving the abuser of the responsibility for their actions nor condoning what they did in any way or meaning that because you forgave you'll have to accept them back into your life....absolutely not...it doesn't meant those things at all. It does not mean forgetting. It's just that when we carry anger and rage forever it hurts us...in a way it's a way the abuser is still controlling us and keeping them in our lives. It's a means of taking our lives back completely. It's really nothing more that saying "I forgive" you and am no longer willing to harm myself by carrying around this anger for you with me all the time. I release it. I will never forget but as of this moment I no longer have any emotional connection to you. And...btw you don't have to say this to the abuser nor is it necessary for the abuser to take responsibility. It's just something you do in your heart and mean it. One other thing about forgiveness....the most important act of forgiveness is toward ourselves. It is most important that we forgive ourselves.