Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Any type of abuse can have a big impact on people. Everyone reacts to situations differently. Ive recently realized how much I have changed because of the abuse done to me and because of my past. I don't know if changed is the right word to use but its a start. People on this site and a few people close to me in my life only know me as quite, depressed, weak, a victim of sexual abuse. They are right; I am un-happy. I'm scared, angry, I feel torn, powerless and beat down and sometimes so hopeless that I forget there's still life ahead worth living. But that's just the victim of sexual abuse me. Its not the real me. So I figured I'd tell everyone on here a little about me and who I am. Besides my rapist, I'm afraid of spiders, snakes, heights and change. Cancer is a huge part of my life. Ive never had cancer, but I watched my uncle struggle years with it and then watched him take his last breath when cancer took him. My favorite season is winter because I love how beautiful the snow is, I like that it gets dark outside around 5:30pm but the sky is a hint of pink rather than black and that you have an excuse to drink as much hot chocolate as you want. My favorite holiday is Christmas. I love country music and in spare time I enjoy coloring (kidish I know). My favorite place to be at is on the dock out by the lake, I visit there as much as I can. I'm a people person and I try my best not to judge others because I know that I don't know their history or what they have been through. When things get uncomfortable I like to go swing at my old elementary school. It makes me feel free for a little bit. I make wishes at 11:11 and its always the same one. I often visit my uncle's grave site when I feel completely worn down because I think he was the only one who ever really loved me and even though he can't hear me, I still talk to him. I want to go horse back riding since Ive never done it before. I am fascinated by horses because Ive heard you can never lie to them. I hate yellow roses because they remind me of funerals. I am shy and sometimes too nice and allow people to walk over me. I am not a fan of the colors black and white because they are misleading. A huge weakness I have is that I'm really good at pretending so I can easily hide my emotions and I do it a lot. I have big dreams for myself and want to be successful but when it comes time for things to get hard, I tend to give up. I hate the way running makes you feel physically but I love the mental boost I feel when I do it and someday my goal is to run in the New York City marathon. After school, I want to open a center for cancer patients where they can recieve treatment other than at a hospital, some place where it might not be all about medicine and their illness. I've never told my friends or anyone who is somewhat close to me that I have been raped because I'm afraid that everything will change between me and that person. Right now I may not be a strong person or thinking 100% clearly. I have been considered as depressed and have been watched for suicide. I used to starve myself for days, then eat so much Id throw it back up. Some people in my family consider me to be "broken" because I'm going to start therapy soon. I was raped several times. I remember the horrible feeling of being left lying on the floor, bleeding from cuts caused by a knife. I remember the guilt, the feeling of being ashamed, the loss of control. I'm still dealing with all of that since the abuse still happens. But that doesn't make me who I am. I still have dreams of what I hope can come true and I think all the time about what can be. Im still me. I still believe in something more than the life I've been put into at this time. I know all of you have dreams and wishes too. So tell me, who are you? What do you want? What do you wish for?
Good thought to start the day with---"Who am I?".
Well, I'm 22. I live in West Virginia but I hate it here. I lived in West Palm Beach, Florida most of my life, about a mile from the beach. I miss the sun, sand, palm trees, and city life. I have two great kids and a third on the way. My oldest son is 6 and he's starting 1st grade tomorrow. My younger son is 20 months, and I'm due with my daughter on 10/20. I'm single right now. I was engaged up until about 2 months ago, but he left me. Now I'm living back with mom and step-dad. I feel kind of defeated, being pregnant AGAIN and seemingly back at square one. No money, nothing to show for my life....it can be depressing sometimes. I'm not good at financial or relationship decision making. I've always invested myself too much into my ex's, so when it doesn't work out I'm screwed. I love church---I go weekly. I hope no one there thinks badly of me for being an unwed mother, pregnant again. Sometimes I want them to know what I've been through so that maybe they'd understand why I have sexual issues, but I can't bring myself to give my testimony. I don't want anyone's opinion to change of me for the worse. I've come a long way in life...I do have that to be proud of. 5-6-7 years ago I was a prostitute, on drugs, and drinking every night. I didn't even make guys wear condoms. I hated myself so much I think I subconsciously wanted someone to kidnap me and kill me or something, or get HIV and die. I'm a Christian now though, I was saved two years ago. I love my life now, although I still hold on to the past way more than I'd like to admit. I love nature, but I'm not an outdoorsy person. I like being outside on the front deck early in the morning on a cool day with my cup of coffee and watch the sun rise. My favorite "me" place is Starbucks. My ultimate "me" time is on a chilly fall day, wrapped in cozy trendy fall clothes, at the stroke of 8am, in a Starbucks. Sitting on the couch with a friend, talking over our pumpkin spice latte and pumpkin cream cheese muffin...feeling the cold air rush onto us every time someone opens the door. I'm a little OCD about cleanliness. I grew up in a filthy home. I had lice for years...I remember at one point we didn't even own a vacuum for roughly a year. It was miserable. So now I clean 2-3 hours a day. I'd rather be overly clean than overly dirty, though. I'm glad I can teach my children good lessons about taking care of themselves, unlike what I was taught growing up. I'm hopelessly addicted to love. I try to hide it, but any time a seemingly nice and cute man shows me attention, I'm hooked. I desperately want a man that's worthwhile to come into my life and be my knight in shining armor---make everything all better. I'm starting to realize though that I need to gain more independence, because my childish dream of being saved by some amazing man isn't going to happen. If I do meet "the one", we'll be equals in the relationship. He's not going to take over the roll of a father like I always wanted. I've got a huge sugar addiction. It screws up my diets every time. I love candy bars, cookies, and especially funnel cakes. They're my weakness. I'm a really good cook. I'm glad I can make good healthy meals for my kids. My older son hugs me a lot and says "I think you're a great cook". That's so sweet to me. I want to be the grandma later in life that has all of her kids, their spouses, and all the grandkids over for holidays....and spends days making a ton of food. I wanna be that grandma that everyone knows is going to cook great food and be a warm welcoming spirit---as well as a little feisty. Sometimes I talk out of my a**. I can get my blood pressure up about certain things and develop a cynical attitude. I make the mistake of telling people off sometimes and regretting it later. Even though I essentially have three kids, I'm still only 22, and I have a lot to learn about life, and a lot of naiveity to grow out of. Someday I want to ride the world's biggest roller coaster---I've never ridden a roller coaster except for little kiddy rides when I was younger. So the first one I ride, I want it to be THE ride. I love sushi. A spicy tuna roll is the only thing between me and happiness on most days. I like to read, but only historical, biography, non-fiction. I like reading about real stories, not ones someone came up with. I also like ghost stories. I'm deathly afraid of ghosts because I know they're real. Call me crazy, but I know. When I was 14 and ridiculously depressed I became uber rebellious and got into Satanism. I didn't even know what I was doing. But I saw things and heard things that scared the sh** out of me because of it. And from doing reading and watching ghost hunter shows, I've found that many people who have gotten a Satanic bible or tried to perform Satanic rituals have had the same scary experiences. It's no joke. If ghosts aren't real...demons are. Either way, they can stay the heck away from me, lol. I love SpongeBob. It's the only show my kids and I can agree on. I've loved it ever since 6th grade when it came on the air. I spend too much time watching tv, but I feel like it's some of the only time I have to relax. I love making people laugh. Almost everything I say has some sort of sarcasm or joke to it....everyone says I'm very funny. I consider it an asset. Nothing's better than making someone else laugh. I also pride myself in being a good listener. My friends consider me "the one to go to" when they're in crisis. They trust my advice. I love that. I think trust is a bigger compliment than love. Luckily I have a lot of love, too, though. I'm luckier than I think most of the time. But when I sit back and think about everything, it amazes me how much more I have than most people in the world. I have amazing children, great friends, a good church, a roof over my head, clean clothes on my back, food in the pantry, and a happy family. Who could ask for more?
I ended up writing a lot more than I thought I would. Anyway, that's a very scattered and unorganized chapter about myself. :P
this is a great post. honest, open, sensitive and moving.
Glad you are a member.
rich