Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
i started getting very depressed again this week. I am selling off the last of my bussiness,and in the process of filing for bankruptcy. And my mom and counselor are encouraging me to look into legal options regarding my father abusing me. My dogs are geting older (almost 13) and are gettting sick. i bought an extra concert ticket but have no one to ask to go with me, cause i have no friends.
i just feel so unmotivated. like i cant do anything. I have the tile guy coming tomorrow to finish the job, and i have not cleaned out my laundry room yet. My house has been a disaster for about a year. i feel like i will never succeed. like i will never have this garbage cleaned out, that i will always be miserable, and I will never be happy. people hate me and i hate myself. my father hated me. he hated me for not listening to him, he hated me for being gay, and he hated me becuase he couldnt help himself with me. he had to keep me down. i just am so tired of trying to come back swinging. i think he intentional kept me screwed up so that i wouldnt speak, so i wouldnt tell his secret. i feel so fucked up inside, i just am tired of fighting. i am 40, when will the turmoil end? i want to be better, and do better, but something inside me holds me back. something inside of me... i wish i knew what it was. i hold myself back. somehow its my fault. i deserve to suffer, i hate myself, and i deserve to be punished and kept down. i am just as awful as others see me, and i see others. its so damaging. its so sad. how can you do that to a kid? he destroyed me. but if i give up then i let him win. in a way i want him to win. i want to be protected. maybe if i let him win, he will love me. but he doesnt. he never did, and never will. i was STARVED for love by my parents. my father only did what he did, becuase it was what society expected him to do, and he had to keep up appearances. my mother sacrificed me by not intervening becuase she was affraid she would lose her pretty things (she actually told me that a few years ago). How fucked up is that? So who cared about me? NO ONE!!! My aunt did, but she forgot about me in her will. i would think of all the people, at least she would love me, but in the end she discarded me too, just like everyone else has. And all this insight does what? does what for me? helps me to see? to see how depressed or pathetic i am? i guess the 1st thing i need to do is stop being so hard on me. that cute little boy that was never taught how to play in the sand box, with all his fears, insecurities, anxiety, depression. no wonder he couldnt pay attention in school, or remember stuff, i was so guarded, so riddled with anxiety. i still struggle today. i still push people away, dont want to make friends dont want to get close to anybody. i dont want to be hurt. if i clean out all my garbage, and put myself out there again, i will surely get hurt. they will not love me, and they will leave me. i am too damaged. i want to shrivel up and disappear. even my friend doesnt call back when i am hurting. i hate people and i hate myself. such a sad terrible way to be. how do i change that?
i know one thing i dont want him to get away with it. noone should get away with what he did. they rob childrens souls, especially if its your own father. the one that is supposed to love and protect you. how awful it is to take advantage of that, to use them for your gratifcation sexually, to use them as a punching bag for your anger, and to be ridiculed and put down so that i wont speak. i cant think of a more awful way to treat a child. Cold and callous. my neck hurts everytime i think about it.
so much to deal with. the emotions are not flowing, i feel like i am all cried out. part of me wants to get angry, but i am not sure i know how.
i am confused.
i just feel so unmotivated. like i cant do anything. I have the tile guy coming tomorrow to finish the job, and i have not cleaned out my laundry room yet. My house has been a disaster for about a year. i feel like i will never succeed. like i will never have this garbage cleaned out, that i will always be miserable, and I will never be happy. people hate me and i hate myself. my father hated me. he hated me for not listening to him, he hated me for being gay, and he hated me becuase he couldnt help himself with me. he had to keep me down. i just am so tired of trying to come back swinging. i think he intentional kept me screwed up so that i wouldnt speak, so i wouldnt tell his secret. i feel so fucked up inside, i just am tired of fighting. i am 40, when will the turmoil end? i want to be better, and do better, but something inside me holds me back. something inside of me... i wish i knew what it was. i hold myself back. somehow its my fault. i deserve to suffer, i hate myself, and i deserve to be punished and kept down. i am just as awful as others see me, and i see others. its so damaging. its so sad. how can you do that to a kid? he destroyed me. but if i give up then i let him win. in a way i want him to win. i want to be protected. maybe if i let him win, he will love me. but he doesnt. he never did, and never will. i was STARVED for love by my parents. my father only did what he did, becuase it was what society expected him to do, and he had to keep up appearances. my mother sacrificed me by not intervening becuase she was affraid she would lose her pretty things (she actually told me that a few years ago). How fucked up is that? So who cared about me? NO ONE!!! My aunt did, but she forgot about me in her will. i would think of all the people, at least she would love me, but in the end she discarded me too, just like everyone else has. And all this insight does what? does what for me? helps me to see? to see how depressed or pathetic i am? i guess the 1st thing i need to do is stop being so hard on me. that cute little boy that was never taught how to play in the sand box, with all his fears, insecurities, anxiety, depression. no wonder he couldnt pay attention in school, or remember stuff, i was so guarded, so riddled with anxiety. i still struggle today. i still push people away, dont want to make friends dont want to get close to anybody. i dont want to be hurt. if i clean out all my garbage, and put myself out there again, i will surely get hurt. they will not love me, and they will leave me. i am too damaged. i want to shrivel up and disappear. even my friend doesnt call back when i am hurting. i hate people and i hate myself. such a sad terrible way to be. how do i change that?
i know one thing i dont want him to get away with it. noone should get away with what he did. they rob childrens souls, especially if its your own father. the one that is supposed to love and protect you. how awful it is to take advantage of that, to use them for your gratifcation sexually, to use them as a punching bag for your anger, and to be ridiculed and put down so that i wont speak. i cant think of a more awful way to treat a child. Cold and callous. my neck hurts everytime i think about it.
so much to deal with. the emotions are not flowing, i feel like i am all cried out. part of me wants to get angry, but i am not sure i know how.
i am confused.
Are you on anti-depressants? Have you considered a type of mood stabalizer such as the ones used for manic-depressive (my wife gave it a try and found that it worked miracles).
I hope that you find yourself a friend in all this who you can simply sit back and "be" with ... we all deserve someone.
Hang in there!
*****i want to be better, and do better, but something inside me holds me back. something inside of me... i wish i knew what it was*****
In this statement, I feel that you are "seeking". The something inside that held me back for many years........was the inability to forgive. It took me many years of therapy to remember, acknowledge, work through, and forgive. That include "all party\'s" involved. Once I forgave, it was like a HUGE weight lifted off of me.
I have strong faith and in that faith I realized that I was hanging on to that pain and causing it to fester in me, causing it to make me physically and emotionally sick. I was allowing it to destroy my life. I learned that I didnt have to worry about "who" or "how" my uncle was going to pay for his actions. I KNEW in my heart that God would take care of it.
Honestly, I could write a book here, but I wont. If you have any questions, please PM me. Take a look at my profile if it makes you feel more comfortable. Hugs
I read a really good quote once that I will have to search for which spoke of not surrounding yourself with toxic people because there whole purpose is to bring you down which is what you are stating loud and clear in your post. I will search for the quote and post it for you to read.
"There\'s a powerful transformative effect when you surround yourself with like-minded people. Peer pressure is a great thing when it helps you accomplish your goals instead of distracting you from them."
"Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher"
"My definition of success is total self acceptance. We can obtain all of the material possessions we desire quite easily, however, attempting to change our deepest thoughts and learning to love ourselves is a monumental challenge. We may achieve success in our business lives but it never quite means as much if we do not feel good inside. Once we feel good about ourselves inside we can genuinely lend ourselves to others."
Try to reach that cute little boy inside of you and take him by the hand and go play in the sandbox with him, you and he, together.
Become friends with him. Parent him the way he should have been parented. Cherish him, be patient with him, learn to love him with all of your heart. Forgive him when he makes mistakes.
The rest of the world can wait. You are not obligated to serve anyone else. Especially those who did you wrong. Don\'t worry about forgiving or pleasing anyone else right now. Learn to be merciful to yourself.