Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hello everyone - Hope this finds you well and in a thoughtful mood!
I hear a lot of people bantering about "good vs. bad" therapists and there have been horrendous stories that I myself could tell of what makes for a Bad Therapist - but in your mind I was wondering --- what makes up a Good Therapist to you?
I know for my part, the best therapists I have had in the past presented open, positive attitudes toward me, showed me respect regardless of what I said or asked them about, set appropriate boundaries and respected the boundaries I set for the sessions, and actively listened.
As far as bad therapists go - I have had my share of them also - I had one therapist that fell asleep while I was talking to him and that was the last time I saw him - another one had me deliver Christmas gifts to people he knew in the town I lived it - large, lavish gifts, while he gave me a rolled up calendar with his agency plastered all over it. Plus he called ahead and told them "one of his clients were coming by with gifts" - it was sleeting weather and I had a horrible drive to their house, only to realize, once I got there, we had gone to school together and they went to the same church as my sister. Last session with him (plus a call to his licensing agency due to the break in confidentiality).
But, I have had several who were phenomenal and some who were just good --- And all of them presented a kind heart and a willingness to help, knew how to ask the tough questions in easy ways all the while building a solid rapport with me based on respect and trust.
So I was just kind of wondering - what qualities do you require in a good therapist?
Refuse2quit
I hear a lot of people bantering about "good vs. bad" therapists and there have been horrendous stories that I myself could tell of what makes for a Bad Therapist - but in your mind I was wondering --- what makes up a Good Therapist to you?
I know for my part, the best therapists I have had in the past presented open, positive attitudes toward me, showed me respect regardless of what I said or asked them about, set appropriate boundaries and respected the boundaries I set for the sessions, and actively listened.
As far as bad therapists go - I have had my share of them also - I had one therapist that fell asleep while I was talking to him and that was the last time I saw him - another one had me deliver Christmas gifts to people he knew in the town I lived it - large, lavish gifts, while he gave me a rolled up calendar with his agency plastered all over it. Plus he called ahead and told them "one of his clients were coming by with gifts" - it was sleeting weather and I had a horrible drive to their house, only to realize, once I got there, we had gone to school together and they went to the same church as my sister. Last session with him (plus a call to his licensing agency due to the break in confidentiality).
But, I have had several who were phenomenal and some who were just good --- And all of them presented a kind heart and a willingness to help, knew how to ask the tough questions in easy ways all the while building a solid rapport with me based on respect and trust.
So I was just kind of wondering - what qualities do you require in a good therapist?
Refuse2quit
I have had my share I paid quacks. As a teen there was the school shrink that made vulgar comments about the abuse with a dirty smirk on her face. She came into my work a few years later I had to walk away because I did not want to get fired. I begged my parents to send me to a mental health thing through a local hospital. They were completely ineffective when the only response was "F-U buddy". The other one fell asleep.
I got older and could pick a better one,but could not afford to pay much. That old expression, "you get what you pay for" applies here. I did not have insurance and did not like the paper trail. I prefer to pick my own rather than be assigned a therapist.I still pay out of pocket for those reasons.
The worst one
I drove many miles in Friday night ( large city) traffic. When I got there I got pounced on by her dogs. She admitted to doing therapy while she was suicidal because she needed the income. She was trying to get a rise out of me by saying women that where xyz clothes we're begging to be rapped. What finally ended our short run was when she took my paid time to talk about her and her other clients.I calmly and patiently said "enough" "just enogh". She sent me a note saying "it is better to discontinue sessions when hostility is foremost". I was being narrow minded because I would not allow her to take my paid time to talk about her issues.
I had a therapist she was good but the problem was I outgrew her and it took me too long to realize it. I started with her when she was getting her therapist hours. She got her licence and wanted to specialize with children. She was professionally ready to move on but saw how fragile I was. She was kind and would not even suggest the change. I had deeper issues than she was prepared to handle. I was also stagnating because she could not go there and I sensed it. Finally I wrote her a letter saying "thank you let's wind this down". She was really happy and I was relieved to stop pretending that it was still working.
What makes a good one?
Someone that is NOT there because they want to give everyone else the therapy they themselves deperately need. If they work on everyone else's lives they can avoid there own garbage. That is not how it works.
Someone who can emotionally go there with me. I want a person that encourages me to scream, cry and process hard feelings in my session. If they are handing me tissues as if to get me to stop or care take me. That tells me the do not have the eperience or space for me t to fall apart during my hour.I am dealing with abuse I need to release it once and for all. I can get ugly do you have the emotional space for it and not get overly care taking on me?
Someone who will go there with me and not intellitualize it away. I was robbed of being able to feel this as a child. This is my time to go through the stages of pain and grief I missed. Please don't tell me to simply redirect my thinking. This comes from repressed emotional feelings and sometimes it is physical feelings that manifest ailments in my body. I cannot think away this destruction. Changing my thinking on flashbacks and night terrors into puppies and kitties doesn't work. Let me have my earned meltdown. If that is too ugly I need to find someone who can.
Someone who works in my time,not theirs. I am not/ ready to move on. I don't feel complete about this. Or I have hit my limit for now.
Someone who does not have all the answers. I was advised not to confront a gravesite of a perp. It was right for me. I don't need to explain or justify my need. I got comfort and relief yelling at the headstone. It was not hurtful to anyone nor illegal. They have the college degree but they are not in control
I get the final word.
Someone who understands 12 step and encourages me to seek out recovering peers. I do not want a therapist that wants to be the only voice of recovery in my head. I want somone that wants me to find other sources of recovery and not rely on them. My recovery takes a village or they are the one gone.
Keebler - you gave some very detailed needs that you have - I can tell you have been through various therapists and that this has helped you understand what you need from a helper. Personally, I appreciated the tissues - or at least to have them within reach - I was bad about snotting everywhere and felt rather self-conscious about what I looked like AFTER the session - when you have to walk out and face the people in the waiting room.
I also had a therapist that was suicidal - his partner had died the year before of HIV and he told me he was struggling with depression, although he never told me he was thinking of ending his life. Then one day, after about 6 months of working with him, I got a call from his supervisor who advised that my therapist was no longer with the agency. I fell apart, as when I started the therapy, I asked the therapist over and over if he would stick it out with me - I had several aborted attempts at trying to process through the trauma of my childhood and did not wish to have to stop and start with yet another therapist - and he said he would no matter what. I finally asked the supervisor why the therapist would lie to me about "seeing me through this" and he told me that the therapist had not considered that he would get so depressed he would try to kill himself again. My therapist was in the psych unit of the local hospital on suicide watch after having his stomach pumped. So yes, some therapists are also dealing with their own problems as they also attempt to help you with yours. In this case, I stopped seeking help for several years due to the pain and feelings of abandonment - but I knew I still had work to do and I finally found the therapist that would see me through the beginning of therapy to the end - and he also put me into a group of other survivors - I think I made more progress in the group than in the one-on-one sessions due to the other survivors saying things that I had felt in the past or currently.
I can't thank you all enough for your input. There are some really great ideas and suggestions here -
Thanks again and all my best to you all!!!
Refuse2quit