I think you will find a lot of people here can relate. And I always suggest counseling with a professional counselor, partly because I am one and also because it was due to a counselor that I was able to start piecing my life together again.
Hope you find some great support here - I have and it has meant a lot.
All my best,
Refuse2quit

Also - I can relate to the "missing time" - I would like to say that for me, I needed to know all about my abuse so I could know how to deal with it and get past it.
Just my opinion -
And the abuse traumatized you, but the memories do not have to - that's why I say, good counselor can make a lot of difference.
Refuse2quit

Hi aperfectmess17. I repressed my memories for 30 years and I also wanted to remember everything. I wanted to know why, how did I get to this mans house, where were my parents when I was not home with them, how did they not know it was happening to me? So many questions that I thought could only be answered if I remembered. It is very frustrating to not remember. And after working for the past year and a half I can say that I have still not remembered much. Instead I have processed all the feelings that went along with the abuse and now I don't feel the need to actually remember the events. In fact I don't want to remember them. The feelings were so bad I don't think I want the image in my head of what caused all those horrible feelings.

It's important to remember that even if you did not say no or fight back, that you did so in order to survive. And you did survive it. Like most abusers, you were probably threatened with something in order to keep you quiet. I was threatened with more violence and more pain. That kept me coming back to him and kept me from telling even my parents. He also told me that I was a lowly child and no one would believe me. But I did believe all his lies. I also learned to lay really still and be really quiet during my abuse for fear of more pain and more violence. They use controlling techniques that are unique to every situation.

Please know that it was not your fault. It was HIS fault. You did not deserve it. And if you continue with therapy I'm sure you will get to a point where the actual memories don't matter - like it did for me. Give it time and be patient with your mind. After all there is a reason you blocked it all out. And that reason was because you needed to survive. The brain is a very smart organ - it will protect the body and soul no matter what it takes.

Good luck. Please keep us updated on what's going on.

Thank you for all the responses. How long did it take you all to find a therapist that you felt comfortable with and that you could trust?

I was fortunate and found my therapist immediately. But in the past I have had other therapists, some I trusted and some I didn't. It can take time. But don't give up, the right one is out there for you.

Sorry OldRolly, but I have to respectfully disagree on that statement.
Just because someone has the training to counsel, does not mean they have the disposition to do so. Trust is earned in these relationships - I once had a counselor who was dismissive, imperious and thought that I was, to quote "acting like a baby" because I could not get past my abuse. I quit seeing him. Then a few months later, I saw this same, highly recommended, married-with-kids professional at a gay bar I was frequenting - when I mentioned it to a friend that I thought the guy was my ex-therapist, my friend said "Oh yeah - he is a counselor. And a freak - he likes to tie up young boys and 'play-rape' them". So NO do not just hand out trust like candy. You can really be scarred this way.
I have worked with a LOT of counselors, both as client and as a fellow counselor, who should NEVER have been given the right to speak to the public in a professional therapeutic format.
If you give your therapist a fair trial period - a few sessions at least, and the bells keep ringing as the red flags are flying - politely quit and move to another. Some therapists can truly harm you and should NOT be trusted.
But when you find one you "click with", hand in there. A good therapist you relate to, one that is sensitive and understanding of your pain, can really help you maneuver the rocky road to recovery.
This is coming from both experience as a therapist and as a past client of SEVERAL therapists.
Again, trust is earned, even at this level. But you should be unbiased and open to the therapist you go to - give them a chance to prove themselves before you ditch and run.
All my best, always,
Refuse2quit

aperfectmess17,

I suspect many survivors relate to your post...I certainly do.

If you are planning on working with another therapist to help you process your thoughts and feelings you may want to check out Sidran.org; they have an article on questions to ask any therapist you are considering working with.

www.Sidran.org
in the search bar type: finding a therapist
scroll to: Help for PTS and Dissociation
click and read the article

As for a counselor dealing only "with the symptoms"??? I'm not sure that this is the best approach for survivors. What do you think and what do you make of you being "...obsessed with trying to remember what actually happened...?"

I wonder if you blame yourself at some level and need to remember to free yourself?? Just a felt sense on my part.

As for remembering the details, I found that as I've worked on my healing the details came up as I was ready to handle them though sometimes I'd get a flashback and experienced what was happening then but still wasn't ready to process it. So be patient--we move at our own pace.

xx
SuzA

My guess is the therapist you went to a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) therapist which has become very popular and does have research to back up it's effectiveness. But I dk about it's effectiveness with survivors. Look for therapists who use a psycho-dynamic approach which is the more traditional talk therapy orientation but find one with background and expertise (meaning additional training and experience working with survivors)

I can relate to much of what you say...or at least to the extent I want to get to the feelings. I'm concerned by your wanting to know if you fought or said no. Perhaps you did but most survivors don't and that doesn't make them any more responsible or inferior than those that do fight and resist. I realize your not saying that...but I just have hunch that this matters to you and you'll be really upset if you find out you didn't and that's so unfair. Children who say "NO"! and/or fight and resist are children who generally have good self esteem and sense of personal power which means generally that the parenting has been pretty good in the home and the parents have empowered their children. But most survivors did not come out of homes where we were taught to feel good about ourselves...so we're much more likely to "freeze" and not know what to do.

How you felt before and after is valid as is whether it crossed your mind to tell your parents. I just strongly encourage you to love that child no matter what you find out and for God's sake don;t beat her up if she didn't resist or say "no". Whether one does or doesn't doesn't change the tragedy of what happened or make one better than the other. You know how you were as a child....I hope you'll just deal with what happened and it;s affect on you at the time and since. Just don;t judge her. She is innocent and didn't deserve what happened no matter how she reacted in the moment.
Searching for the detail's is common and in fact when and if you remember ...you will re-experience the feelings from then in the present that you may very well find uncomfortable even traumatic but that's not a bad thing in most cases as it's an important part of healing as you'd be releasing that old stored negative energy you've been holding onto for so long. And that's an important part of the process of healing.
Just accept whatever she (you) did in a value neutral way and just know you did the best you could in that moment. Don't second guess her
Good luck

Thanks for the site SuzA66!

@refuse2quit- I know that it'll take time but I don't know how to trust. I find it so hard to talk to a therapist and say all the things that make me vulnerable.

@ sadave46- She most definitely was a therapist who believed strongly in CBT. I think in our 3rd session together, she began explaining it to me and gave me homework to do. To be honest, I just didn't connect with the approach at the time. I understand that changing your thoughts is important but I wanted to understand myself and have someone explain to me what I was feeling or explain to me why I was the way I was. Is that what the psycho-dynamic approach is?
Also, about the reason why I need to know if I said 'no" or tried to fight him off...I was the perfect victim and I know it. I was shy and probably had low self-esteem because I was overweight. I know I froze in the moment and complied. Maybe it was because I didn't really understand what was happening to me or maybe because I trusted him and saw him like a brother. I think I'm just angry that because of what he did to me, I was robbed of what I see others able to have for themselves.I'm angry that I didn't say something, that I didn't yell, because if I did, I would've gotten the help I needed back then and wouldn't be so lost now. I understand that it may be unfair to feel like this and probably not rational but I can't help but feel angry and sad at the same time.

Under the circumstances it is totally understandable - you were hardly in a "rational" situation. No one blames you but you. You were a victim and as such, you are experiencing what SO MANY victims experience - but that does not mean you will never be able to have the things you want, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and I. and others here, totally understand how often that feels like walking through cement that is trying to set up. A GOOD therapist will understand and will move at YOUR pace, not force you to do something you do not want to do. You have anger - many of us here have anger. Our lives were changed, but that does not mean that we have to remain mired in it.
Again, you will have a lot of support here and when you can face it, seek counseling as therapy can help you through so much of this. You will be the one that has to work, but it will be worth it.
If you need to "go back there" to remember - then you will know. If not, this you also will know. But do seek help, start out slow and work your way to where you are able to like and respect yourself more. It is there, if you try. Until then you have friends here that will be there for you when you need.
All my best-
Refuse2quit

i too blocked out the memory for about 7 years after it happened to me. i was 5. at 12 i saw a movie about it and it all came flooding back.
the problem was, at some point i became confused, i wasnt sure if it really happened or if i made it up for attention when i saw the movie. so what i did was confronted my uncle (my abuser) and asked him point blank what happened. He admitted it. so i knew it was real . this was a big relief for me. but i still was foggy on all the details... so about a year ago i confronted him again . this time to ask if it was only the incident i remember or if there were more times i had not remembered yet. I wanted to know if i went full on into counseling and stuff associated , would i dig up stuff i didnt remember. wanted to be prepared. he said it was only the one time that i remembered.

my suggestion is this. if u are able to confront him. go do it. ask him to tell you what you want to know. it wouldnt hurt to try . he may lie and say it never happened or be proud like my uncle ( who told me i wanted it ) and admit it all.....

go to counseling, find one that does regression therapy. . dig for the answers.. yes u will relive it. but u are stronger now, and you know you are safe. it will eat you alive to not know , and constantly wonder.

I too was obsessed in knowing, at the time I remembered very little. Yet though 5 years of intense counselling and writing about my past brought back all the memories. I must say that I was literally brought to my knees many times with those memories, but with hard work and pushing myself through that pain, I'm now standing tall once again, and the majority of the pain is well behind me. Even though remember everything was very traumatic for a while, I now found a bit of peace knowing my past is pretty well complete. It has helped my to move forward. Would I WANT to go through that again, hell no, yet I NEEDED to. Hope this helps in some way, all my best to you, Blaine

Is it possible to never remember?

Yes, some people repress memories very deeply or have such fractured personalities that in their conscious state the do not ever remember everything. But, as these memories are often so toxic to a persons well being, they often will manifest is someway or another. Some people were too young to remember details, but their body holds the memory and they KNOW that they have something they need to deal with.
Again, each of us have different levels of recognition of our abuse; I can remember and have been have been triggered by scents and odd things - stifling hot, still air and such as I was abused in a shed many times and my abuser wore certain Avon for men products that I cannot tolerate now. Others do not have any real memory of their abuse, but they do understand something happened. Again, this is an individual journey and you have to find your path, although many will be able to relate similar effects and thus relate to what you have been through.
All my best - hope some of this is helps!
Refuse2quit

I don't have flashbacks...I don't think. I remember the counselor asking me if I had flashbacks and I said no. But I've realized that my body remembers. Every time I am intimate with someone my body becomes numb and I almost freeze (almost like I'm not there). Its obviously worse when the person is on top and has control of the situation.