I would let your cousin know what he's doing. Something needs to be done. Poor baby! I can understand it being triggering.

Its great that you are concerned; as a survivor of childhood abuse myself, I thank you for showing concern and taking action or at least asking for help. If someone did that during out childhoods we may not even be on this website to start with, so you are doing the right thing.

First, you do need to protect yourself and your son, so dont put the boy in any situation where he could reenact the suspected abuse like you describe (no baths with your son, and so on), at least until you can find out what happened If something did happen, I am sure your cousin will need your help more than ever, and being a survivor of abuse yourself, you could be in a good position to help (if you can handle doing so)..

Sorry for making this reply very long, but I want to thoroughly explain something that could make it impossible to investigate this properly there is a common mistake made up front that can cause a lot of damage to the investigation, and possibly to the child. Asking questions to the child to initially determine if there is even anything to worry about needs to be done very carefully, below I will explain why that is the case, and how to properly ask even the first question to the boy about it, but first I want to explain something that might change your viewpoint of what happened

Most children exhibit (age appropriate) sexual behavior during childhood; this is usually confusing and distressing for a parent to see (especially for a sexual abuse survivor like us), but it is often innocent and harmless. Maybe the boy simply discovered that it felt nice to touch his penis certain ways? That is something he can figure out on his own and is not in itself a sign of sexual abuse A child would learn to scratch an itchy bug-bite to make it feel better that is something you learn on your own without someone showing you and without needing to see someone else do it Keeping the itchy/scratchy thing in mind, it is natural for boys to touch there during diaper changes because while exploring their body, they discover that it feels good. and this behavior can start before they learn to talk. By the developmental stage where children learn that being naked in public is not appropriate, they also learn that touching themselves there is not appropriate either (at least in public). any behavior like that usually goes away on its own by the time the child learns to always be dressed in pubic (or when not in the bathroom or bedroom) dont worry, that behavior usually doesnt show up again until puberty starts.

This could be a natural innocent thing that he discovered on his own. and in that case the fact that he is trying to share that behavior with your son is probably also innocent (I would eliminate the opportunity for them to do that instead of reprimanding him for it). Young children learn from each other, so his attempt to touch your son in the bath tub could be as innocent as him showing your son how to play with a new toy he brought to your house.

I would ask your sons pediatrician about the age-appropriate touching and when to stop it, or just as importantly, when to let a child/children innocently explore those parts of their bodies since that is usually a normal developmental act and yelling at the child or making a big deal about it can cause problems of its own (no personal experience with that for me, I learned early on that touching like that is scary and bad).

What to do about this potential abuse is a very complicated question and there is no single right answer. First and foremost, after taking my advice into account and possibly after doing your own research into this topic, if you believe the boy is in any danger at all, you should do something right away. If the only thing you see him doing is touching your son in the tub and/or touching himself, I would tend to think it could be innocent and harmless. If his aggressiveness about trying to touch your sons penis is not typical of the way he shares other toys or plays innocently otherwise, then I would be alarmed. If he is a gentle quiet calm boy who always happily shares toys and shows no signs of aggressiveness who then is aggressively trying to touch your son in the tub that way, it could be a sign of a problem, but if he is as aggressive with his toys as he is with what he did in the tub, then the behavior itself fits the way he does everything else and I would think its innocent (although it still needs to be dealt with properly)

Now for the part about what Not to do when questioning a child about something you suspect could be a sign of abuse I would think that the first step would be to ask some questions to find out if there is even a hint of a problem, then you will have more info to make a decision

Young children are very suggestive. meaning that simply asking the wrong types of questions could make it nearly impossible later on to determine if the child is confusing a mental image invoked by your question with actual events that happened. Do not ask questions that have a Yes or No answer, those are closed ended questions. You need to ask open ended questions that do not contain any mention of abuse or any other thing that the child may not even have any knowledge of (children dont usually think about adults touching them there, so just asking about it teaches the child something they did not already know..

If you ask a young child: Did xxxx touch your penis (xxx = persons name), the childs mind would first form a mental image of what is being asked (xxx touching his penis), then after the child processed the question and has that mental image of xxx touching his penis, the child thinks about all past memories of that person, then decides if any of those past experiences match the mental image created by your question. This is basically how the human mind processes questions about past events; first we understand what is being asked by forming a mental image of what you are asked about, then we go thru our memories and look for a match.

The problem with asking these Leading or Suggestive questions to a young child is that you are putting an idea, thought or mental image into the childs mind that may not have been there to start with. When that same question (or a related question) is asked again in the future (a few minutes later, or days or weeks later), the child could say yes when asked about xxx touching their penis. Children cannot easily distinguish a perceived memory from an actual memory, so asking a question about something new creates a perceived memory of that new thing.

Asking a child what do you and xxx play with when you visit him is an example of an open ended question that you could/should ask instead of suggesting things he did with that person. Find out who the child is around who might have abused him, then ask open ended questions about that person or place. Every leading/suggestive question you ask a child puts another mental image of what you are asking about into the childs memory. Instead, let him tell you what happened in their own words by asking him open ended questions about anyone they spend time with or any place they spend time at. What do you do with xxx or what was xxx doing yesterday or what games do you play or do you like when xxxx watches you when mommy goes to work and so on. Those questions do not make the child form any new mental images in their mind, they only visualize actual memories of real past events. Even if the child says xxxx touched my penis, you could say tell me more about that or then what happened, you have to make sure that your follow-up questions themselves are not suggestive. Whatever is said even if nothing bad or questionable, you should encourage further talk by saying things like what happened next or did you do that other times or how did that make you feel, anything that can encourage the child to express more about the situation without adding anything to new to what is being said is OK.

If you think you can/should question him on your ownthen you might get your answers right away. If it were me, I would write down a list of questions to ask based on people he is around who could abuse him, and places he goes where an unknown person could be abusing him. I would be very sure that the questions are all Open Ended and do not suggest anything that you think or fear might have happened. I would ask those questions to him when the opportunity presents itself during a normal day; for example, if he mentions the name of a person on your list, ask him if he likes that person or what toys he plays with there, but make very sure that you dont ask any leading questions no matter what. Anything you hear that concerns you could help you figure out new questions to ask next time you talk, or if something he says makes you think he is in danger, then it would be time to contact child protective services right away.

If you believe it could be someone your cousin knows or would defend, you might have to report this directly. No parent would want to believe anything is happening to their child, so they usually interpret things as innocently, and often they see it that way to protect their view of the suspected person.

I hope this wasnt so long that you didnt read it all. If you have any questions, please let me know, I will do whatever I can to help. I have done a lot of research on this topic since I was questioned myself as a child. I strongly denied anything happening when questioned by the police, two different times. When I was somewhere between 6 and 8, then again when I was 10, I was interrogated by the police and a psychiatrist because they thought I was being sexually abused.

The police did everything wrong when I was younger, they asked lots of leading questions actually all the questions they asked were suggestive and leading, and they scared me into thinking I was in trouble. From that point on I lied and denied everything, no matter what they said I wouldnt tell the truth, I was scared to death. A 2 year old wont have the language skills or cognitive ability to handle it on that level.. However, children instinctively try to please their parents and caregivers starting in the first few weeks of life we see facial reactions to our crying or giggling, so we have a strong sense of wanting to please our parents. asking the wrong questions will often get answers that the child thinks you want to hear.

Here is a link to one website where you can read about how pre-school age children are questioned about suspected abuse and other related information. Since you dont have any evidence of abuse, but you do show concern, asking some questions (properly) could confirm your suspicions, or at least to give your cousin some guidance on possible ways to proceed:

http://centerforchildwelfare.fmhi.usf.edu/kb/trpi/Assessing%20Sexual%20Abuse%20Allegations%20in%20Pre-school%20children%201.pdf

Keep in mind that your cousin could ask damaging questions that could make it nearly impossible to investigate this properly, so be sure to educate her/him about how critical questioning can be before they even attempt to ask a single question to the boy. If he innocently learned that himself that touching there feels good, he likely has never even thought about an adult touching him there, so asking the question will forever put ideas into his head that were not there to start with and asking the wrong questions could put a lot of wrong ideas into a childs head.

Sadly, it is unlikely that successful legal action can be taken against anyone accused in a case like this, the child simply doesnt have the verbal skills and cognitive ability to be a credible witness as to what happened. If there is no physical evidence, surveillance video or a confession from the a accused, criminal conviction is unlikely. But, it is very important to find out what happened without contaminating the boys memory or his understanding of the events so that he can be properly treated by a doctor or therapist (or so the issue can be dropped if nothing happened at all). Approach the whole thing with the childs wellbeing in mind and dont focus on what can be legally done to whoever may have done something to the boy.

Then secondary to all of this would be filing a criminal complaint against whoever did anything to him that way there is at least a record of an accusation in case he/she does this to another child (which is almost always the case).
There is a DS member group for parents of sexually abused children, I am sure you can find a lot of people with experience in this type of thing there. Sadly this is a very active group, but thankfully everyone is there to help each other. Here is a link to that group:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/parents-whose-children-have-been-sexually-abused

I wish you and the boys and everyone involved the best I will gladly help in any way I can if you have questions or would like me to recommend online resources that could help you.

Guys, with all due respect, how many questions can you ask of an 18 month old child? A lot of kids can't even talk at that age.

The behavior you describe, Madgirl, does sound like the child may have been abused, and I don't blame you for being extremely uncomfortable about it - both because it triggers you, and because it's just weird and scary to see a tiny child so sexualized. I have two kids, one boy and one girl, and have never seen a child behave like that. Since you were abused in your own family and this child is a member of your family, I would feel very alarmed if I were you.

What to do about it is another question. I would start by telling the mother, your cousin, but the reality is, you are likely to get denial if not anger back from her. I think there is real cause for concern but I am not sure there's anything you can do about it. I hope there is .... It is awful to think of the life of suffering ahead of that child.

Donna, you are right that you cannot do much questioning of a 2 year old (actually not even 2 yet).

The NIH (national institute of health) had a report on how young children should be questioned about suspected abuse - it is something that I read in the past. I was interviewed when I was very young, and it was done as wrong as possible; I wanted to learn about how they "should have" questioned me, so I did a lot of research on the topic in the past few years.

The NIH says that children from 2 to 10 should be limited to an interview time of 5 minutes per "year of age". So, 10 minutes for a 2 year old, 15 minutes for a 3 year old... and so on. Their lower limit on interview age was 2, so for any child younger than 2, you cannot do much in a formal setting (such as having CPS do the interview).

Questioning the child at home in a subtle way is basically all you can do (in regard to asking questions). Every time the child mentions a person or place that is "on your list" of suspected people or places, you then have a chance to get the child to talk about that person or place by asking one of the questions you came up with ahead of time. Then within the 5 minute rule try to get the child to talk more about that person/place...

If the questions are asked properly at home by you (MADgirl77), will eventually get the answers you are looking for (or realize there was nothing to worry about), without causing emotional distress to the child and/or causing a huge disruption to the family.

*** I just realized something that might make a clear distinction in where this behavior is natural or if someone "taught him" to do it...

"Grinding" his genitals on you could be him innocently "doing something that felt good".. but it could be a learned behavior - caused by exposure to video pornography, or he witnessed other people having sex, or someone molested him in a similar manner.

If you notice him doing it to a pillow or on the couch or anywhere else in the future, then the fact that he did it on you was just a coincidence and he would be just as likely to do it on a couch or pillow....

If he "only" does that when he is on you (or another person), but not on a pillow or couch or something else, then he specifically learned to do that to people and the motivation is not that it just "felt good" - he would be reenacting something he saw or experienced.

I would talk to your cousin and/or report this to CPS right away if he only does this when he is on you and never to anything else. (if this was an isolated incident and he never did it again, then I would not be concerned)..

Exposure to porn or other people having sex in the same room with him could be just as damaging as him being molested.. figuring out if he does this to random objects or specifically only when on top of you will indicate how he learned to do this. This doesnt require questioning him, it just requires observation over time and noticing a pattern of his behavior.

You were right I got anger and denial