That's okay and no I'm not in counselling I know I need to but I'm scared about talking to someone I don't know and not being believed and I hate myself because of what happened to me and I feel I should have said something when I was happening but I was and still I'm scared that my abuser would find out I told and that he would say I lying about what happen.

Just wanted to let you know...... I believe you.... absolutely

So sorry. It is similar with my mum. My dad abused me. she ignored all warning signs leading up to the abuse and after knowing about the abuse she just went in to denial pretty much. She still can't see how she did anything wrong and could have done things differently. Its a shame you cant turn to your mum for support. Have you seen a therapist? I also dont feel I can turn to family when I am going through hard times. It is hard but luckily I have 1 person who I can talk to.Some ppl just cant understand how damaging child abuse is. They just think its something we can get over. I am glad at least you have this group. Ihpe you get the support you need. Maybe you can write your mum a letter explaining how you feel or sit her down and have a talk. Not sure if this would help or not.

just read your other comments. You should try to find a therapist experienced with sexual abuse. I was also terrified to speak out. I blamed myself. I rang a free counselling hotline. From there I saw a counsellor that specialised in sexual abuse. My first chat was about self-blame and I was told I was the child and he the adult and parent. I had been manipulated by him so he could abuse me. He turned that parent/child love and trust in to something perverted to satisfy his sexual desires. Your abuser did the same. He manipulated and threatened you. I can tell you that speaking out to a trusted person and getting support is a huge relief. It was like a huge weight was lifted off me. Keeping a big secret like abuse is a huge burden.

I'm sorry your mother's reaction is to "get over it" and questions the validity of what happened. Obviously if you could "get over it" you would have done so... long ago. Unfortunately sexual abuse is not something people can just "get over" and you can't wait it out by letting time pass.To recover and heal means getting the long held secrets out, sharing your story so you can begin understanding that the shame is not yours to carry and you are not "dirty".

I know it will be hard but try and minimize as much as possible whether in your head or out loud that you are "dirty" and other negative self judgments. YOU are not "dirty" you were abused and things happened that were wrong but that doesn't say anything about YOU. I know you want to stop feeling the way you do...one way is to stop or dramatically minimize the negative self judgments. Every time you do it reinforces your negative perception of yourself. Words matter and every time you tell yourself these things ...it drives it deeper into you and reinforces that negative view of yourself. You've said you "intellectually" know it's not your fault yet you continue to "feel" the shame. Many, many survivors struggle with this as well. You're not alone. What needs to happen is getting that completely accurate and true intellectual understanding you have down to the emotional level...one thing you can do to begin making this happen is to stop telling yourself what you "intellectually" know is not true and are lies. Even though you continue to "feel" shame" you can control your self talk...kind of "fake it until you make it" Try if possible to tell yourself what you intellectually know to be true (that none of what happened was your fault and the shame is not yours) even if you don't "feel" that way yet. It may feel awkward and disingenuous at first but try to do it anyway. What we tell ourselves matters. What you "feel" shame, dirty etc is based on a belief you began believing back when it was happening...it's a distortion and a lie the child believes and it gets carried into adulthood. The adult you knows what the child believes isn't true but has yet to convince the 10-15 yr old ...that will take some work and time but until that happens try to stop telling yourself the lie even if your still struggling to not believe it. Our self image is tied to what we "tell" ourselves. Self talk matter...just try okay?

Hi thanks for all your replys it means a lot to me that each of you took the time to read my post and that you guys believe me and that you are there. I know it's not my shame to feel its the mans who abused me but as you all know its one thing to know its not your fault and another thing to believe it. I try to tell myself every day that its not my fault and I did nothing wrong I was the child I couldn't have stopped him abusing me I was so scared that I let him do what ever he wanted just so he wouldn't hurt me even more and that why I feel so much shame and that's why I hate myself and feel dirty. I just wish I had tried telling someone what was going on then maybe I wouldn't be having nightmares about him abusing me and telling me to say anything he needn't have worried I was too scared to say anything about he was doing to me.

Sorry its hard for you all you can do is keep trying if no response then let it go it will hurt but you tryed. LISA

I am just so tired of it going round and round my head its all I can think about is the abuse I suffered as a child, I am just sick of having to pretend that everything is okay because my mum just doesn't want to know what I'm going through still its driving me mad I just really need someone to talk to about it and how I am feeling.

Thinking about the abuse all the time is very common. It happened to me too and, based on other posts here, it has happened to others as well. I don't think about it any more. It's just a piece of my past now. This happened slowly over the past 2 years through lots of hard work and therapy.

We are listening to you. Please keep talking to us.

i have come to realize most people who we open up to cannot, will not, or want to believe such horrible things about some one we know. i have also come to realize that in these types of situations we can only hope to plant the seeds of truth and hope the flourish in time. They ussally do.
rich

I let them win most of my life, and I say that because I am the one who continued self abuse. My past is a pretty sad story. I can't even type out the entire truth anymore.
Since the perps were never charged, (my father, his brother), and my mom claims she doesn't remember anything with seems to be a form of denial.
Since everything happened when I was between 5-7, some of it is blurry, well except for the torture.
Its hard to move on but at 47 and a convicted felon (Addiction related), I'm actually just now trying to make amends for the life I wasted by pursuing a Masters in Psychology even though its hard with all the baggage and finding myself in a abnormal social group. I don't really like myself deep down, I like aspects of myself that people compliment on, but yet my self loathing is still there after 40 years.
I don't know how I could have done things in the past differently, I decided I wanted to be able to say that I turned many, many bad things into many, many good things.. Just know I can relate to you, I just don't know how I can put into words what I have discovered works for me. But hope what I put here means something.

Mr. E.

I feel so down all the time I so sick of having to pretend everything is okay it's doing me no good and just depressing me more damage in the long run I am already depressed because of what happen and I am taking meds as well my doctor has tried to get me to open up to her what happened to me but I just clam up I have told her that I was sexually abused by a family friend and that it has effected me more then I had thought at the time I liked the attention but I didn't like what I had to do to get it. It just haunts me I just don't what to do I'm tired of living a lie I really did to make my mum listen to me and get over what happened to me.