Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
It is almost 3am in the morning and I'm still up. I have been away from home this weekend. Sometimes I get away just to feel less overwhelmed. But as they say, wherever you go, there you are. So here I am feeling sad, angry and isolated with all my issues, only in a different city.
Ever since I started posting here I have cried, but they have been tears of relief. The first time I posted, right after I posted I cried and then I went to sleep and slept like I haven't in a long time.
Today is different. I feel pain, I feel abused. I hear the voice (not literally of course) of the child I once was crying, lonely, isolated, confused. Not knowing why people are mean to him, wanting love and trying to be good so no one picks on him. It is so vivid that I just can't take that pain out of my mind. I see the frustration of wanting to sing and laugh and play, but was always shut down, forced to stay quiet and take whatever they said.
I was beautiful. I was playful, full of life, loving to laugh and make others laugh too. How come no one ever appreciated that? Why decades later it still hurts?
I know this is art of the healing, but it's a very difficult part. I don't want to feel alone in this anymore. It's too much to bear all by myself.
Ever since I started posting here I have cried, but they have been tears of relief. The first time I posted, right after I posted I cried and then I went to sleep and slept like I haven't in a long time.
Today is different. I feel pain, I feel abused. I hear the voice (not literally of course) of the child I once was crying, lonely, isolated, confused. Not knowing why people are mean to him, wanting love and trying to be good so no one picks on him. It is so vivid that I just can't take that pain out of my mind. I see the frustration of wanting to sing and laugh and play, but was always shut down, forced to stay quiet and take whatever they said.
I was beautiful. I was playful, full of life, loving to laugh and make others laugh too. How come no one ever appreciated that? Why decades later it still hurts?
I know this is art of the healing, but it's a very difficult part. I don't want to feel alone in this anymore. It's too much to bear all by myself.
It's early here as well and I am reading this, and it kill's me.. You write the thing's I have felt many time's, and have not been able to write with such expression and tact. My husband thinks I'm crazy sitting here crying he don't understand......
You are beautiful, and appreciated.
You're obviously very thoughtful and your ability to communicate your feelings so vividly is surely a gift - and, I might add it's very useful to others, including me, that someone can put into words what many have felt.
I think you're in a good place actually. Feeling, being in touch with the boy in you and letting him have his say. More importantly, you have now the capacity to comfort him too. I think sometimes I still have great contempt for myself... the adult me doesn't quite let the young me off the hook. So I think it's great that you're recognizing the innocence of your young self, the great things about him, and the pain he felt.
And the pain, as you noted, can be hard to bear. The same thoughtfulness that makes you so aware can also mean the sting goes deeper. Still, I think it's a really good thing to have that ability to contemplate and feel, to be in touch with it all. Hang in there.
Oh, glad you're able to sleep too. When I find myself in the darker places, my sleep is... fitful and doesn't come easy. If you're mind is letting you sleep, that too is a good thing!
I think for all of us being victims of child abuse, we have been for the most robbed of almost all of our childhood, something we will never get back except in our dreams..............
As for it being decades and still hurting, everyone heals different, do we ever heal completely, no I, speaking for myself do not think so.
I also believe that those feelings of pain may manifest throughout our lifes, in thoughts, a dream or some related or unrealated trauma, those can all cause the pain to well up.
And for Athanasia, we feel the pain of others because we have been there too. I think that is a very normal reactions, unless of course we are a person that is oblivious to pain. I don't think any of us on this site are or we would not be getting or giving support. I cry almost anytime I read someone's story and especially when I am writing and giving support.
Your kind words really move me.