I have to say that my weight has slowly and steadily climbed since my abuse. I didn't necessisarily connect the two until about 6 months ago. I hope you get the help you need to get this issue under control

I know telling me I needed to lose weight used to be a great way to tick me off.
I think I've put on fat to make myself gross-looking (and so not attractive to would-be abusers), and I've ate to make myself feel better as an adult.
The post college remedial math class cookie binges come to mind here...When you eat a whole family size package of Oreos in 20 minutes, you Have A Problem.
So I've ate for protection and for comfort.
Right now I'm actually almost normal weight...a doctor suggested stomach stapling.
This jarred me so much that I ended up not needing the stapling, but it's a struggle to keep it off.
Plus, I look a bit melted.

I am doing my best to put food where it belongs....as something I need to nourish my body. I am trying to stop using it as my best friend and comforter.

Physically I feel like crap so the protection the weight offers may not be worth it.

The hardest thing is trying not to hate my body. I always hated my body no matter what the weight was.

I started gaining weight after a neighborhood boy began abusing me. I think I believed that maybe if I gained, he wouldn't want me. By 5th grade I was easily over 150lbs. I developed an eating disorder shortly after and still struggle with it to this day.

I am sorry you are dealing with this and hope all works out.

CecilBGreen;
Body issues are hard to overcome - my aunt has fought her weight for years, hating herself for not being able to be thin and svelte like all the mags and commercials said she look, seeking therapy and hypnosis, etc. But now she seems to have accepted that she is just a naturally big person. She is much happier now, but her body weight does take a toll on her joints and such.
Perhaps it is a little bit of both what you say and what your therapist is saying - you eat because it brings you comfort while also keeping others at a distance? Just a thought.
But regardless - Although I have not been overweight, I have had body issues - I never saw myself as good looking at all, even though I have been told that I am not bad looking at all - and as I did not love myself the way I was - unconditionally - then I did not really care about my health either. I just never seemed important enough to care about.
But I can now say I do see myself differently - I see that, what is left of my body and health IS worth putting in the effort for - I know exercise more frequently, eat less fast food and junk and try to take care of myself in general.
I hope that you can overcome your feelings of wanting to die because of how you look - there is so much more to people than the wrapper we are hidden in. I wish you the best and you will be in my thoughts and prayers for a better concept of who you truly are.....a wonderful person.
All my best
Refuse2quit

I feel that you are both right. Eating to the point of being overweight serves two purposes: it was/is nurturing in an environment that was not and it protects us from being hurt again. In our society being overweight is unacceptable so when we become overweight people avoid us (or so we believe on a subconscious level) - thereby protecting us from future hurts (there is also more psychology about continuing the abusive process on ourselves...It can get very deep). Have you heard of people who become angry and use that anger to keep people away from them? This is a strategy to keep them safe. It's the same with food and weight gain. The goal is always to keep ourselves safe. As you continue through your healing you will feel more and more safe in the world and in your own body and the result will be that you won't need your shield any more. You will also be learning how to nurture yourself and love yourself and when you feel all that love you won't need to continue to fill up with food.

During my healing process I had to learn to accept that food was my coping mechanism and when I tried to stop using it my feelings were all over the board. I had to wait until I was ready to love myself unconditionally, wait to process most of the feelings and wait to get to that point where I didn't need to shove my feelings down my throat any more.

It takes time. Please try to be patient with yourself.

Take care

I never considered that I might be hurting myself emotionally by taking that comfort away before I am ready! That helps me understand why its so very hard! Thanks luckyempath

" ...but I still like him. He keeps telling me I gain weight to push people away. "

What if he told you, " Is being raped something you didn't want "; would still like him?

This is what I had to defend myself against with the last damn social worker I tried my hardest with for 14 months.
I'm still trying to figure just how much I despise her........ or not. Can they actually be that ignorant? Or is it anti male hatred and maliciousness??
Tom S. in Tn.

I was made to exercise and no food and I was up all night doing things they made me do so when I would get home I would eat all the sugary things in the pantry because I was starved. I was always so skinny to skinny. I ended up getting fibromyalgia and had children. Not being able to exercise and eat right. I would feel defeated I would exercise and be more hungry . I have weight on yes, I am doing better . I feel better about my body. If I try to eat better and do things I feel like am gonna starve myself so I go in eating mode. So I am taking baby steps and not dwelling on it so much. I feel like as I heal I will get a better view of my body. Somethings that help has to get us out of our comfort zones to deal with. I work with horses and I have to get out of my comfort zone to be able to get anything accomplished. It is well worth the uncomfort you reap the rewards of healing. John 3:16

I never knew binge eating could be a way to punish myself but I'm willing to explore that idea with him. I do sometimes hit myself with a riding crop. I used to cut a bit...not much. So I guess it isn't a reach that I may use food to punish myself. Like I said talking about my weight is like walking through a mine field so it is good I managed to even bring up a little of it.

TomSinTn, to answer your question : No , if he ever said something like that i wouldn't still like him and I wouldn't go to him. I had a psychiatrist ask me , "It really wasn't that bad was it???" in reference to my being sexually assaulted then almost drowned when i fought back.

Another psychiatrist told me ( I was 12 or 13 at the time) that I should be locked away for a very long time because i was dangerous and would probably become a serial killer of men. Mind you I had never committed any violent acts or even threatened anyone. I can only guess that he based it on the fact that I wet my bed, I was exposed to animals being killed ( my abuser also hurt animals. I never participated or enjoyed watching) and was sexually abused. I guess he was thinking Homicidal Triad which has since been dis-proven. Plus the true triad included fire-setting which I never did.
All that aside what the hell was he thinking saying that to a child??? Of what therapeutic value was that???

I am truly sorry you were yet again victimized by those who were supposed to help you. Sadly there are some dangerous social workers and pychs out there. Sometimes we get lucky and find a good one. I think I did find a good one this time. I hope you find one too. It sounds as if you are long overdue.

Thanx. I hope the same for you as well as any others that have had to endure the compounding effects caused by sociopathic psychologists who are allowed to make a living abusing the victims of abuse.
Tom S. In .tn.