I'm new on here. Somehow still trying to accept that I have been sexually assaulted for well over 16 years.. I don't know how I told myself it wasn't the case even though I knew it was. Hearing my therapist actually say the words out loud though "You have been sexually assaulted" not once but a few times during one session just woke something in me and I felt like I was going to vomit all over her couch. I was frozen instead. I'm really nervous joining this group. Vulnerability scares me a bit I guess. Even though we all share that one thing in common, it's still really painful to talk about. So it happened to me by 3 different "men" there may be a 4th but he's kind of locked up for doing that to someone else and pending trial so I can't exactly ask him. I'm pretty sure it did happen if memory is serving correctly though. I am a bit in denial with it still. If that one is confirmed, well I don't know how I'll be able to function any more than I am now. So anyway, one was by a step-cousin. Another by my step father. He's my worst one.. not that they arent all awful but he has assaulted up until 3 months ago so... and another my ex boyfriend whom was on heroin at the time (how stupid was I to not have figured that out at the time too?) and the 4th, my mom's brother. My uncle. Closest loving thing I had to a real father turned out to be the most evil person. Who knew? Nobody. Maybe his best friend though..my step dad. Also, my mom knew about my stepdad. I told her when I was 12 and she said she would take care of it but by "take care of it" she meant turn her head the other way until 2 years later a teacher discovered how unusual I was one day and got some truth out of me. I didn't know that would require her to call cps.. even still..my mom got me to lie to them. He got to stay in the house, I got to go to my dad's whom I barely had a relationship with. But before I went, my stepdad forced me into my room and made me watch him trash all of my clothes. Every single piece made HIM uncomfortable. What I was wearing was basically my fault for him climbing into my bed that morning with a hard on, breathing heavily and kissing on his 14 year old step daughter.. I will not go further. My fault though. I'm back living there after the weekend and what happens? Everyone is to walk around with clothes on (he told my brothers not to walk around in their boxers) because I might call cps on them.. I go on the next several years of my life with more assault and verbal, mental abuse. Why did I endure this into adulthood? I must have enjoyed it, right? No.. he threatened my life. He threatened my mom's life. When I tried to end my life, he said he would just make her life so miserable, treat her so awful make her feel like it was her fault that she would kill herself too..which would be just like killing her, himself.(but just before that he showed me the proper way to slit my wrists so I bleed out) My mom was worth more to me than my innocence, my body, my dignity..my life..i guess. I am now just trying to cope. Trying to heal with it all. She finally left him. Though she snuck him in for a while, she cut him loose once she heard his threats (this wasnt all) and yet, she is constantly making me feel like she resents me. She doesn't say it, but I know part of her blames me for this, hates me for it. And before you say she's just as bad as he is, if not worse. Or cut her off. Let me say this, she too has endured her abuse from him. He is fearful. Our therapist told us both she fears for our lives. Do you really think I am going to cut my mom out just to maybe heal when it's possible she is in danger just as much as me? Not only that but she is my mother. Despite anything, I love every piece of her and I cannot cut that like nothing. It would destroy me even more. She just has to break free from his manipulative mindset he's put her in. I won't cut her out just yet. To me, he wins with that. So there has to be more solutions..there has to be. If not, someone just share their experience and vent with me..let me vent to them.. I have nobody to talk to outside a one hour session with a therapist I see once a week. It's not enough.. So far, my mom finally kicked him out but won't fully tell him it's because of what he did to me. I don't know why. But he does know that to an extent that is why. He has affected my health so badly my doctors think this is why my endometriosis isn't getting better (with spasms mostly) because I am constantly contracting down there trying to protect myself from him. Once she heard that from the specialist herself, she kicked him out. She snuck him back in a few  times yes, but once she learned of the life threats, like I said, it was like BOOM divorce. Problem is, they share one child together and he weaseled his way into "coparenting" which means: im gonna come over to your house and over stay my welcome just to see our son but your daughter isnt allowed to step foot in the house. Yes, and now...no divorce papers have been served. He has a new place very close to hers... I am very nervous. This was a lot. I didn't think I would let out even this much. For those who have read to the end, thank you. I apologize.