Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Hi Everyone,
I haven't posted in the sex abuse group before, but I'm super livid about something that happened recently. My husband thinks it's wrong as does my best friend, but they can't possibly understand how much it shook me to my core.
I am a licensed teacher. For the past 6 years, I have chosen not to teach but to stay home with my daughter because of her special needs (autism and SPD). I worked part time in my inlaw's and husband's business to bring some income in. My daughter is now in first grade and in school all day (kindergarten was just 1/2 days), so I was looking to work at a job I enjoy that would be flexible for my daughter afterschool. I have alot of babysitting and nanny experience. This is in part how I brought money in when my daughter was little and how I put myself through college. So, I found a lovely family that contacted me to nanny for them. They were very willing to let me pick up and drop off my daughter afterschool (she has a tutor afterschool because she works more calmly for others than me...I'm too emotionally involved as a mother). Their baby is only a couple of weeks old. I would start first week of December when the mother's maternity leave was up. At one point during the interview, the husband turned to his wife and said do we want to make this official? Meaning do we want to hire her officially. The mother felt pressured by her husband, so I quickly asked them to think about it and let me know the next day. The interview continued. He is a social worker that works child protection, so he asked about any drug use, alcohol use, or abuse in my past. I answered no to the first two, but I was prostituted out by my grandmother (my mother assisted) from the time I can remember (about 3 1/2 years is my first memory) until I was 17. When I was 17, I left home. I had gotten pregnant and forced into an abortion. I swore none of my other children would have that fate or would be affected by my family's dysfunction. I left and never went back. It took many years of counseling to cope with it, heal from it, and have good boundaries. My husband and I occassionally see a marriage counselor when intimacy issues arise...much of which is due to my childhood. So, I saw the husband of the baby I was to nanny stiffen up. I knew why. There is a statistic out there that people that are abused as children are more likely to abuse children as adults. I HATE THIS STATISTIC! First off, how was this data collected? Is it just asking child predators...they are sick people and often have to justify why they do what they do...so you are trusting them at their word. This is not objective data people! Second, what gender are most serial killers? (male) What race are most serial killers? (white) So, I should walk around being afraid of all white men (including my husband mind you) because most serial killers are male and white? Doesn't make sense to me. Neither does that a sexually abused child should be looked at as a risk for being a child predator. I understand the man's point of view. He's been trained to see this statistic as valid and it's his baby at stake. However, I'm having a very hard time not being angry and feeling like he's just revictimizing me. I did address the issue and offer to have my counselor answer any questions he has. He thought that was a good idea. I told him to get me a list of questions within the next 72 hours because I happened to have an appointment then. So, no list of questions and no yea or nay on the job. I did email him yesterday saying I needed to know as another couple had shown interest. He emailed me back and thought he'd have an answer by next week from his accountant. He explained that he was checking into how it work to have me as an employee as far as federal and state withholdings and what paperwork they'd have to keep. Really...he's completely avoiding the issue. Everyone's thoughts? Thanks for reading and sorry so long.
I haven't posted in the sex abuse group before, but I'm super livid about something that happened recently. My husband thinks it's wrong as does my best friend, but they can't possibly understand how much it shook me to my core.
I am a licensed teacher. For the past 6 years, I have chosen not to teach but to stay home with my daughter because of her special needs (autism and SPD). I worked part time in my inlaw's and husband's business to bring some income in. My daughter is now in first grade and in school all day (kindergarten was just 1/2 days), so I was looking to work at a job I enjoy that would be flexible for my daughter afterschool. I have alot of babysitting and nanny experience. This is in part how I brought money in when my daughter was little and how I put myself through college. So, I found a lovely family that contacted me to nanny for them. They were very willing to let me pick up and drop off my daughter afterschool (she has a tutor afterschool because she works more calmly for others than me...I'm too emotionally involved as a mother). Their baby is only a couple of weeks old. I would start first week of December when the mother's maternity leave was up. At one point during the interview, the husband turned to his wife and said do we want to make this official? Meaning do we want to hire her officially. The mother felt pressured by her husband, so I quickly asked them to think about it and let me know the next day. The interview continued. He is a social worker that works child protection, so he asked about any drug use, alcohol use, or abuse in my past. I answered no to the first two, but I was prostituted out by my grandmother (my mother assisted) from the time I can remember (about 3 1/2 years is my first memory) until I was 17. When I was 17, I left home. I had gotten pregnant and forced into an abortion. I swore none of my other children would have that fate or would be affected by my family's dysfunction. I left and never went back. It took many years of counseling to cope with it, heal from it, and have good boundaries. My husband and I occassionally see a marriage counselor when intimacy issues arise...much of which is due to my childhood. So, I saw the husband of the baby I was to nanny stiffen up. I knew why. There is a statistic out there that people that are abused as children are more likely to abuse children as adults. I HATE THIS STATISTIC! First off, how was this data collected? Is it just asking child predators...they are sick people and often have to justify why they do what they do...so you are trusting them at their word. This is not objective data people! Second, what gender are most serial killers? (male) What race are most serial killers? (white) So, I should walk around being afraid of all white men (including my husband mind you) because most serial killers are male and white? Doesn't make sense to me. Neither does that a sexually abused child should be looked at as a risk for being a child predator. I understand the man's point of view. He's been trained to see this statistic as valid and it's his baby at stake. However, I'm having a very hard time not being angry and feeling like he's just revictimizing me. I did address the issue and offer to have my counselor answer any questions he has. He thought that was a good idea. I told him to get me a list of questions within the next 72 hours because I happened to have an appointment then. So, no list of questions and no yea or nay on the job. I did email him yesterday saying I needed to know as another couple had shown interest. He emailed me back and thought he'd have an answer by next week from his accountant. He explained that he was checking into how it work to have me as an employee as far as federal and state withholdings and what paperwork they'd have to keep. Really...he's completely avoiding the issue. Everyone's thoughts? Thanks for reading and sorry so long.
http://www.nomorevictim.com/child_sex_molester.shtml
At the pottem of the page it says:
"Will the Cycle Continue?
Whilst there are some victims of csa who become perpetrators, this is not anywhere near what some would have you believe. Studies have shown that aprox 90% of women and 60% of males break the cycle.
If victims problems were addressed and they were helped through recovery from a young age, these figures would be a lot lower."
I don't know what study or research effort this info was obtained from, but it basically says that 10% of female child sexual abuse victims go on to abuse, and 40% of males do. The only factor not included is the percentage of those that are involved in cases which were never reported, so that is an unknown, but from what I've read, there all kinds of estimates on unreported cases, anywhere from 50--80%. I also remember reading somewhere that victims who get appropriate counseling early on almost never go on to abuse.
I thought I did everything I could to protect my daughter and she ended up being abused by her friend only a year older. The last person I ever thought could hurt her like that. Now I feel I can't trust anyone.
If it would me, I would let it go and find another family to work for. You don't want to feel like he's breathing down your neck and assuming negative things about you all the time.
I was verbally and emotionally abused by my family members growing up but I don't do those things to my kids. Its not right for people to assume that you will hurt others just because you have been hurt before.
And you do have to think about their point of view, like you say, it's their baby. People are probably also extra freaked out by the nanny murder in NYC in terms of how to figure out if someone is unstable or not. It's their child, so I wouldn't take it quite as personally as you are-- not to sound accusatory, but I don't think it's really revictimizing you so much as he's just going off of the information he has and is trying to screen a nanny for the care of his child.
I would just look elsewhere for work and try to let go of this.
In general, I think there's a lot of unreliable data in psychology. So much is hearsay and subjective.