no sry hun im not in that boat just wanted to let u know im here if u need me

yes my friend me....we are not meant to remember not healthy enough or could be to painful,,,,,but it did happen or else you wouldnt think of it...dont doubt yourself....

i do remember the abuse, but sometimes i want to talk to my brother. i never want to see him though. its normal to have mixed feelings like this.

i don't really remember and i've always doubted it.

on the one hand, the way i act and the choices i've made reflect that this is likely what occurred, but i can always justify it by saying there were a million other things in my life that could have caused such trauma.

denial? i don't know. i wish i did. i feel like it would be easier if i knew one way or the other so i could just deal with it.

Is your dad aware of what you know? I went through a similar thing with my dad, not knowing for sure. That all ended when his Molesting friend's wife found him looking at kiddy porn and than he admitted to my sister giving him BG when she was 12. My dad thought he was off the hook. I told my dad I know I was molested, and I want to know what happened! He told me Mike did dirty little things to me, something changed in me after that. I stopped talking with my dad for 7 years. I have two sisters that claim nothing happened to them, I think it's easier to be in deniel than face the truth. I'm still waiting for my Truth to set me free!

I know exactly how you feel. I know the other people who abused me; but, I constantly wonder about my dad. I have always hated him and just cringed and felt sick whenever he hugs me or puts his arm and says that I am his special little girl; but, up till now have never really had a reason. Lately, I have been having some flashbacks; but, just do not know whether to trust them or not. I mean, it would explain a lot of my feelings towards him; but, I find it hard to think that he would ever do that. I mean, he is religious and loves my mom, and always says how much he loves me and how we have a special connection. I want to love him back and to have a good relationship with him; but, try as I might, I have never been able to have a great relationship with him. We see eachother at holidays and whenever I go to visit my mom and things are ok-small talk, etc. So many times it feels like there is the side where we pretend things are ok and are civil and sometimes even happy, and then the other side where I hate him and am not 100% why. I just wish it was either one way or the other...this whole kinda both thing is just confusing and tiring...

but, yeah, i understand how you feel even if i have no idea what it means or how to deal with it....

WOW I'm so glad i stumbled across this post. Definatley in the same boat, you took the words right out of my mouth. I thought I was alone with this one, I don't have memories but I know I was abused, he was a predator he had abused other girls. I wonder too if it happened, I know for sure I was sexualised far too young, it's like someone put a pair of glasses on me when i was little that were tinted with sex and thats how i viewed the world and relationships. I want to remember so I can make it feel real and work on it properly. at the moment I feel like a detective trying to find out the truth.
I saw my dad the other day, I don't see him very often and now it's even harder and more confusing, like you I don't know if I want a relationship with him. he's old and sick and I feel mean to ignore him.
I hope you work this out, take care

I really know how you feel. I thought I wanted a relationship with my dad for a long time, but then I realized....what I really wanted was a relationship with a dad who loved me and never hurt me...not the dad I acually have. He is just not worthy of my love and he will never know the great daughter he could have had...his loss!