I'm going to just blurt out my entire experience with the father of my half sister, if I don't shut down to do so I won't be able to at all. Please bear with me on this. When I was eight, I moved in with my mother, I had been raised as a single child by my grandparents before then and was gently manipulated by my bipolar, sadistic mother to live with her. She was 26 at the time and had given birth to my sister in December earlier that year, the father being a man thirty years her senior who already had children going into their late twenties by that point. My biological father was a deadbeat who lived in filth and would rather play video games than pay attention to his child, so I had no idea what a father was supposed to be like, and when Gary, the man I called dad for a time, was kind to me unlike what I had experienced with my parents before, he had gained my trust extremely fast. It was that summer when it happened, when I was devastated by the lack of positive attention from my mother and missed my grandparents desperately. Gary was a trucker, and one weekend I went with him on one of his runs. I had fallen asleep in a bed in the back of the semi he drove, blissfully unaware of the future I'd have because I couldn't stay asleep. 

I woke up in the middle of the night to hear moaning, light from the tiny VCR TV lighting up the area, the night having been burned into my memory I haven't forgotten a single detail. I owned my eyes and found Gary watching porn, touching himself while he sit at my feet. I was curious and confused and because of that I asked what he was doing. He didn't startle, he didn't rush to cover up what he was doing, he turned to me and talked like it was normal, liked this had happened before. I... He convinced me it was okay, and I asked in my naivety if I could.. He didn't even hesitate. 

A lot of my memory after that night has been repressed and blank. But I remember coming to a dreadful realization, stuck blaming myself, laying there and taking it, being hidden in cars and the semi while he.... 'shopped'. And I remember a few times where I told myself that nobody loved me anyway, and that this sick, demented obsession Gary had with me was the only way I could come close to being loved. And I had to protect my sister, because he'd leave her alone if I kept him distracted with me is what I told myself. 

I never said anything because I was scared that nobody would care.

Seven years before I said anything and it took over a year to be believed, and even then he's scot free and facing absolutely no consequences. Seven fucking years on loop with me under an old man trying not to lose my mind. 

I still have trouble telling myself it wasn't my fault. 

Oh, look, I shut myself down and still couldn't say more than little detail and how disgusting I think I am for it all.