Hi, welcome to the group. I am very sorry that you have a need to be here but there are very compassionate people here who will listen and offer help when asked.

What you are doing is what most of us do when we have been abused - we put the blame on ourselves. Your feelings are telling you the true story - that you were abused. The blame belongs on your sibling who enticed you to participate. The fact that you found it pleasurable does not mean that you were a willing participant.

Coming to terms with the fact that our body found pleasure in something as awful as sexual abuse is something we all have to do. It is very difficult. But it is important to remember that the body automatically reacts a certain way when touched a certain way. It doesn't matter if that touch is loving or hateful.

Please don't put the blame on yourself. I know it's hard to put the blame on a sibling but maybe you could start with "my sibling was wrong to touch me like that" because he was wrong to touch you in any sexual way. Family members should not be sexual with other family members. It's as simple as that.

Also, if you are not already working with a therapist please consider doing so. You CAN heal from what happened to you and you CAN live a wonderful life where your past stays in the past.

Take care

thank you for your comments. I have read a good deal and understand I should not blame myself. What is so confusing and conflicting is that I have these recurring thoughts that began a few years ago and it is all about sex with men. I have been hetero since I was 15, when my older brother by 3 years moved out. I was sexually involved with him for 3 years, but never after that. Now I find myself thinking about it all the time, and even chatting with other married men about it.

Your confusion is normal. What you are experiencing may be body memories and not an actual desire to have sex with other men. When we are abused we take in the abuse on every level including into every organ and every cell. Your body, remembers its reaction to the abuse and when you have thoughts of the abuse, or sex with other men, your body reacts as it did in the past. When this happened to me I had to process the feelings that went along with the abuse that created the body memories. Once I had the feelings processed the body memories subsided.

It is very difficult when the abuser is the same sex because it adds another level of confusion. From this confusion is a need to find the truth and that may be why you are asking other men about it. You may just want confirmation that you are not alone and not wrong. And I can tell you with certainty that you are not alone in your confusion and you are not wrong. My brother had all these same issues and several men here have discussed these same feelings.

Are you working with a therapist?

No, I am not working with a therapist. I am trying to work these thoughts and feelings out for myself, and have only recently even begun to discuss it with others who would listen. And everything I have discussed has been totally anonymous. I think I am actually afraid of what a therapist might advise. I have read about suggestions of confronting my brother, airing it out, getting it out in the open, and that is not even something I want to talk about. how could accusations and denials and alienation possibly improve anything?

As of this moment I have never discussed it with him and it was so many years ago that bringing it up now would really sound f...ed up. Plus it would eventually involve our wives knowing. The thoughts of all of that are just too overwhelming. And, I know that the first thing out his mouth would be blaming me, and reminding me that I never complained and I seemed to enjoy it all. And I cannot deny that. so maybe I have to explore whether I am bi sexual and my thoughts have nothing to do with what went on with him. I have read that some same sex exploration and experimentation is normal and harmless, and I never thought of it as abuse until I began to think about having sex with men, which does seem really weird at this time in my life. why would I even think of that?

A good therapist will help you explore what happened to you and will provide a safe place for you to feel all the feelings you have been preventing yourself from feeling all these years. A good therapist will validate your feelings and never judge you. A good therapist will guide you through the healing process so you are not alone and confused.

My personal opinion is that confronting your brother would not help you heal - but we are all different and some part of you may find healing in confronting him. But I also feel that he will put the blame back on you as you say or he will deny it ever happened. Denial is a huge part of abuse. Denial by the person abused, denial by the abuser and denial by the family who didn't see it happening and didn't protect you from it. Confronting him now, when you are very confused about what actually happened and your role in it all, may not be the best thing for you. When I started to remember my abuse (I was abused by a neighbor from 8-12) I went into denial for 6 months. Then it was another 6 months before I told my mother. She was the last person I told because I knew she would deny it the most. I had to believe my memories before I could tell her so her denial didn't hurt me more. It still hurt..but I KNEW my truth. I KNEW what happened to me and her denial could not change that.

Are you bi-sexual? Perhaps. It's certainly OK if you are but my guess is you are not. You said these thoughts only started to appear a few years ago and I'd think if you actually had any interest in men you would have recognized that long ago.

Please think about finding a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse...allow yourself to get help. The fact that all these feelings and memories are popping up now shows you are getting ready to heal and put your past in the past where it belongs. But, if you can't do that right now then please keep coming here. The board is a little slow right now but there really are a lot of caring people here. Everyone is at a different stage in their healing so you can get different viewpoints and suggestions. The more you talk about it with people who understand and don't judge, the safer you feel when you do talk about it.

Going to therapy in no way means you have to confront your brother. If a therapist told you you have to do that at some point, I'd say change therapists. I have no intention of every confronting my brother - I'm afraid he might even get violent with me if I did. I have been in therapy for years and no one has ever told me i have to confront my family.

As for your feelings about men, I will just say that I've seen other men on here, men who were clear that they were hetero, say that they had sexual feelings towards men related to the abuse. I think it's probably because of what LE said in her first comment, about the abuse being absorbed into your body and your cells, and the drive to work it out somehow. I've had many sexual fantasies over the years that I am very clear that I would NOT like to live out or have happen to me in real life. I think men who have been abused by men will have some confusion about their sexuality as a result. Maybe you are bi but it does seem like your feelings are, as LE says, a signal that you are ready to deal with the abuse and therefore these feelings are coming up.

Wow Donna and LE, I don't know what to say. So much to think about. but it is encouraging to know that confrontation isn't the only answer. I will have to give this a lot more thought. I understand what you are saying about bi sexuality, but that is really confusing. I find the thoughts to be arousing, but worrisome at the same time.

It is very confusing. No doubt about it. Here is an example from what I went through; The abuse I went through was very violent with the sole intent to cause pain. I was abused from 8-12 and by the time I was 13 I had blocked it all out until 4 years ago when I was 44. I spent from 13-44 wondering why I didn't want to have sex, couldn't have sex with my husband because I have vaganismus (which is the inability to have sex) and then was aroused by the violence I saw on tv. It was disturbing to say the least. But once I remembered what happened and worked on my healing...getting aroused from violence went away. And that is what I believe will happen for you when you go through your healing...you will find that you are not attracted to men and what you are feeling is actually memories - body memories.

I am curious as to whether you remember everything. and did you have any help in that process? like hypnosis? I remember some things very vividly, but only have spotty recollection of other things.That is part of the reason I would never want to confront my brother, for fear that I might mis remember, or get something wrong.But I do remember enough to know that a lot happened, it went on for 3 years from when I was 12 to 15. I never forgot it, I just never thought about it until I began to wonder if it was the reason i was having thoughts of having sex with other men.. I never did have such thoughts until just a few years ago.

My therapist works with inner children and hypnosis. My first memory came back in the form of a flashback once I had been seeing my therapist for 2 years (the first 2 years was healing from a crap family life). After that I continued to have flashbacks while learning how to work with my inner children. When I was stuck on a specific feeling (with no memory) we would do hypnosis to retrieve the memory that went along with it. Now that I am 4 years into healing from the abuse I no longer need hypnosis because any memories that are left come to me without it.

Do I remember everything? No. But I remember enough to heal. Which means I didn't have to remember EVERY time he did something to me...I generally only had to remember once and was able to heal from it. Meaning I didn't have to remember every time he locked me in a cabinet - I only had to remember once in order to heal from it. Make sense?

There are many methods to help us heal because we are all different. I worked with inner children which worked wonderful for me. Some work with Internal Family Systems (IFS) which is another way to work with inner children. There is EMDR, Hypnosis, DBT....those are the ones I can think of. You can read about all of these online if you google them. If one of them feels right to you then look for a therapist who works with that technique. I personally could not have done any healing without a therapist but you have to be ready to move in that direction.

well, I spent a pretty restless night. Not sleeping well. My mind is racing and my thoughts are all over the place.I wish there were some men to talk to about this. The whole thing scares me

There are men on here who have shared about similar situations. Maybe make a post "Need to talk to some men". You can also post on the Incest board. There is a also a website, 1in6.org.

Yes there are men on here and DW had some good suggestions to make a post and to also try the incest board. You can also try the PTSD board as there are men there who you may be able to connect with.

I am not surprised that you had a restless night. You talked about a lot of things yesterday and heard the non-judgmental feelings from two people who are telling you the truth. Hearing the truth and talking about your secret are plenty enough to get your mind twirling.

Check out the website that DW suggests and also do a little research on the types of techniques that are used for healing (I.e. hypnosis, inner children, DBT, CBT, EMDR etc.) and see where it takes you. And please keep talking to us here if it helps. You can post as much or as little as you want about your experiences. We just ask that if you are getting into details that may be upsetting to another person that you put TW (trigger warning) in the title of your post.

I hope you have a good day today.

Thank you LE and Donna for your comments, Bless you both. Since I am new to all of this, how do I communicate with some men. I think I might be more comfortable talking about specifics rather than putting myself out there for all to see. even though this is anonymous I am so ashamed and embarrassed, . I wish it would all just go away.I HATE THIS !

Look at the post "before the internet". The original poster and first commenter are both men. You can also make a public post on any of the boards mentioned and invite private communications.