By itself, telling you 40 degrees is not cold and contradicting your instructions to your son to wear a sweater under his windbreaker could be a case of disagreement or bad judgement (on his part, not yours!) but what is rather disturbing is your son's chant. What is that about?! I encourage you to ask your therapist the point of her story about the woman who left her husband. I have a feeling there is a lot more going on than just this incident.

Thanks Donnawanda. I'm so upset about my son's chant. He was so scared as my husband was being to raise his voice at me and this is how it played out. I'm so concerned about what my son has been subjected to with the constant disagreements. I am definitely going to ask my therapist next session. It never makes sense to me and I also never question her about most her stories. In therapy I actually do a lot of listening. But, there is much going on with my husband and I really am starting to feel victimized by him, too. Like, that I always have been. I'm so used to be a doormat I just spend every ounce of energy I have helping my children and my clients (I work with special needs families.) I just can't take it anymore but it is so scary that I'm actually to the point I am thinking about leaving. I love him but maybe I love him like I love my own abuser; in a demented way. Of course I can't just love "normally" Bc nothing is normal in my head... ugh :(

You sound so down on yourself! Remember that you have a loving heart and that is the seed of self-love which will lead you to a healthy living situation. If you leave your husband, it could be the start of a transformation of your relationship instead of the end. It will depend on him and whether he can evolve with you. Your focus probably needs to be on boundaries: boundaries around what kind of treatment is acceptable to you. You deserve kindness, love and respect. We all do.

Listening more than speaking in the therapist's office isn't good. Neither is bringing in another person's experience to your own. At least I could never see mine doing that, but I'm very fortunate with the one I have. Maybe you should consider shopping for a new therapist?

I agree with donnawanda though, boundaries are a must in any relationship. Regardless of mental illness, anyone in a relationship should be able to discern and respect their partner's boundaries. If they can't do that, they shouldn't be in a relationship. I've had a hard time with boundaries due to how I grew up. Something I've found that helps is when before I ask something of someone, I ask myself "Would I be willing to do that for them?". Or if someone asks something of me I ask if they'd be willing to do that for me. If it's something I wouldn't do for them, I don't ask of it. If it's something they wouldn't be willing to do for me I don't do it. That rule of thumb along with treating others they way I'd like to be treated has really helped with setting boundaries and cutting toxic people out of my life.

I have to agree with naturegirl about the therapist. I don't know for sure how they're doing because I'm not there, but a therapist should be validating and empowering you, not talking at you. If you have any doubts, you might want to try someone different.

Many of us have been through a few therapists before we found the person who could best help us.

You know, I think it's strange, actually. In my life, I've seen over 10 therapists. One dramatically changed my life. I did all the talking there. This therapist is an "expert" in sexual trauma. I'm not sure what her method is but it's nothing I've been able to pinpoint in my own research. She's helped me a lot... she does a lot of story telling essentially to get me to "see" things from another perspective but I think it's really ny life. Like, so it's easier for me to see it for myself. I don't think any of her stories are true... I feel like their made up on the spot... but, who knows! It is different from any other therapy I've ever had... not sure what to think. I entered therapy in a horrible place back over the summer and I feel like a different person now, which is def from her help... but, I literally have to try to get a word in...

I also think boundaries are a huge issue in my relationship. I know they're a gigantic issue for me in general with anyone. It's so hard Bc I confronted my husband after the kids went to bed and he was open to hearing my and my side and had tears in his eyes and was finally reading about bipolar on some support page which is a good sign but I'm really starting to think I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship... and, like you said, mental illness or not, we all deserve to be treated well. I have complex ptsd and I'm sure I qualify for other things and I don't abuse him. It all hit me like a ton of bricks last night. It's so hard Bc I love him but is it demented love? He has a flip side to him that's loving and so hilarious but I don't see that side so much anymore... I feel so confused about it all... the thought of leaving makes me feel so strong but I am heart broken this is what happened to my kids' life... splitting up. I keep hoping for a miracle between us but maybe I'm just unrealistic. He causes a lot of trauma for me on top of my tons of trauma.

Maybe you could try couple's counseling before you resort to separation. It sounds like your relationship may not be hopeless, it may just be something you haven't worked on before. I hope you can work things out. If your husband is willing to grow (I already know you are) then there is hope.

I think you can talk to your therapist about the process - how it has helped you, and what issues you have with it. If there's anyone on this earth you should be able to discuss process with, it's a therapist!

I don't think it's fair to you to say your love is demented. Being "damaged" doesn't mean our love is any less valid or normal. I think it would be fitting to call it complicated, and real love is complicated for everybody. I do hope you're able to work things out with your husband. I suffer from a mood disorder and it's absolute hell, so I know first-hand how it can affect relationships. But I've also never used it as an excuse to be cruel to anyone. It's a good sign that your husband is reaching out to a support group. I think that and your open communication will really help.

You're right naturegirl... I'm working through self-loathing emotions still. Real love is complicated. He says he is "seeing" what I say and that he would yes me before but now understands. It's hard to trust him because of my past and because he was honest, too, about not understanding but claiming he did... it's been 6 months since his diagnosis & the start of meds. But, I can't bear seeing the impact on our older child...

Self loathing is the absolute worst. It makes me angry that we tend to hate ourselves for something we didn't cause while our abusers don't even give us a second thought. The new diagnoses makes a LOT of sense. Any health problem takes time to adjust to, including mental health problems. When I was diagnosed, it felt like I was given a life sentence. Between that and figuring out medications, it took me a little over a full year to get back to feeling like myself again. But I understand your worry over your child... that's one of the many reasons I've decided not to have kids.

My mom is bipolar with an alcohol problem and she hasn't figured stuff out yet. Needless to say, my childhood wasn't great. But that being said, I never doubted my parent's love for me. I'm very close with my mom to this day. So if you SHOW as well as tell your son that you and your husband love him, I'm sure he'll turn out ok.

My therapist uses a combination of therapies; like schema based therapy. It's really effective for me. After posting I have a huge revelation about the emotional abuse I've endured and it ended with me solidly understanding I'm a codependent "helper" as a result of my early childhood abuse. I feel relieved to know there's research on how to help me. I'm so committed at this point; there's no turning around. I'm so focused on myself right now I can't even consider what I'll do as far as being married. In the meanwhile, for the first time in 7 years, I have established clear boundaries with my husband and I am standing my ground. After almost 19 months I finally ended breastfeeding. I was afraid to say no and I had no clue it's because I'm codependent. It's good to know Bc now I don't have to feel guilty. I didn't want to breastfeed past 12 months but did Bc I felt guilty. My husband is sleeping on the couch since last week and knows I've changed. I told him he can do whatever he wants but he no longer has control over me; I am finally taking control of myself. It was a really harsh realization but my therapist immediately helped me reframe my anger towards how I have been treated and not how I "let myself get here" which is helping. Thanks so much for your support. It really helped me last week to have a major shift in my life and my perception. I literally feel like my "old self" before I met my husband and got entangled in this codependent, abusive relationship.