Deposit: $10 Balance: $190

i wasn't feeling well today. i have this sharp pain that comes and goes on the top left side of my head. i have some pressure in my left ear. i think i have a cold or something is up with my teeth - cavity. i'll check it out. because i'm always thinking the worse - brain cancer. LOL

i read this article the other day in the rolling stone magizine about a young surfer, clay marzo. he has asperger's syndrome. i read this book: look me in the eye. it's about the syndrome. i thought is was very interesting that the characteristics i suffer, from the trauma from the child molestation, are a lot similar to the characteristics of people who suffer from this type of autism. clay marzo could be a bigger star but he battles with his disease.

last year i completed a yoga teaching course. it really helped me with the stress from the trauma and my rigid demeanor. i tried teaching but i start to freeze in front of people. i have problems managing how i feel when people are watching me. i know for me i have to practice a lot more than others so i can feel confident in what i do.

i received an email from a club where i want to teach yoga. it was over a month ago when i gave them my resume. i was so hype and full of confidence. i stopped by the club twice to introduce myself and then i stopped. i came up with all kinds of reasons why they didn't respond to my resume. i responded to their email. i hope i can find that confidence again. i think they may ask me to demonstrate first before they decide to hire me.

i'm grateful for the email from a health club requesting an interview for a yoga instructor position.

i'm grateful to my friends who called me today.

i'm grateful that i am working.

i found the confidence to respond quickly to the email and confirmed an interview. i found the confidence to get out in public. i went to my favorite restaurant ate and watched the play-offs. phx and sa won. port and mav lost. i was alone and i was comfortable. i called my mother. she can make me nervous sometimes. she refuses to understand me. i answered two phone calls today. i normally wait to hear the msg on voicemail.

i received a call today. the center i go to downsized. i have a new therapist. i could have freaked out. it's been four years with the same therapist. we have been talking about when i feel i could stop seeing him. maybe i am getting close to the point where i can take good care of myself. i'm going to meet up with this new therapist and see what happens. i found the confidence not to get upset and act out because i was either scared or in the unfamiliar.

Deposit: $10 Balance: $190

i'm grateful for the song i wrote today.

it's kind of hard sometimes. i think i've been down for three days. i'll lose my energy for three days. that's what i've notice. it takes me three days to gain my energy back.

i'm grateful for the yoga i did today.

i have to learn how to reserve my energy better. i was pretty happy today. i enjoyed the sun. i got out. i went to the book store. i found a new book. i watched the play-offs. magics won against the hawks. lakers won against the jazz. the hawks lost by 40+ points. the largest lost by them in a play-off since they came to atl in 1968. the book i bought: on evil. it's about the philosophy on evil. i'm not sure yet why i bought it.

i'm grateful for the nice clothes that i have.

oh yeah. i have to find a new place to live within a month. the high-rise i live in has been bought out. i have a lot of stuff to move and throw away.

i'm grateful to be here.

i'm grateful to God.

my application for my new place was approved. i wasn't sure if it would be. i'm not sure what my credit looks like. it shouldn't be that bad. i had an old room-mate who wasn't responsible and the apartment was in my name. maybe i wasn't being responsible keeping up on him about his part. there was some issues when i moved out. i didn't want to ask my mother to co-sign for me. she would have, but that would have given her cause to feel comfortable prying into my life. i wouldn't feel like my own person.

my mother is my best friend, but forever i've felt dependent on her. after the sexual child abuse i had cling to her all my life. so, not so much her fault for being in my business. i love her. she means well, i know.

i prayed to God to watch over me about the new place.

i'm grateful for qualifying for the new place.

i'm grateful for my mother offering to buy me some new furniture.

i'm grateful for controlling my temper yesterday. someone who should have been more professional towards me wasn't.

i'm so grateful to God.

I have a lot to be grateful for. I completed my move. I'm in my new spot. It was a lot of work but I got it done. I was out of my old spot in time. There were a lot of other residence that did not get out on time. I am slow about everything normally - the old me. Not anymore.

I love my new spot. There is a lot of light coming in. I a lot of trees around me, but I actually live in the heart of my city. I've getting a good breeze. I can also hear the outside. In my old spot the windows were sealed. I forgot I wasn't hearing the outside. There is more life in my new spot.

Now I'm just waiting for my new furniture to be delivered. It's coming one piece at a time. My mother bought most of my furniture for me. She asked me if she could. She wanted to do that for me. I normally refuse, but I did not this time. I wanted to. I'm realizing that this is her way of telling me she loves me. I don't think she will ever want to talk about the child abuse I went through. It hurts her. It hurts me that she can't talk about it. But really it's okay now. I want her to be happy. I want us to be happy together. I have my support system set up. It's okay.

I love my mother more than anything. I wrote her a song for mother's day.

I taught three yoga classes last week. Two of them were great. I did well. I felt confident. The third time I was nervous, but I managed to pull it together. God bless.

I had everything boxed for the movers. I also helped them move. I could not just let them move and I stand there. They offered me a company shirt. LOL We had a good time.

My aunt hasn't been feeling well. She is bipolar. Her lithium medicine spiked from a mixture with another medicine prescribed by her doctor. I call her all the time. She is one of my support system. She is a great person to talk to. She is an angel to me. I have been calling her everyday since she hasn't been feeling well. She calms me.

Actually last Thursday I had a bad day. A lot of triggers. It ended at a restaurant. I went somewhere to eat and watch game 1 of the NBA Finals. The server was nasty towards me. I think he was picking with me because I was being quiet and alone. He just did not understand me. I had had enough that day and it had to end somewhere. I had to stand up for myself.

I had written in a tip. I went back to my table. He wasn't watching me. I scratched out the tip and wrote F@#! Y#@ on the receipt. I finally had a smile on my face - at the end of the day (PRICELESS!!!).

Deposit: 25 (15 pts for sticking up for myself.) Balance: $215

i rocked it! i subbed a yoga class this morning and i was awesome. i wasn't nervous so much. i made a noticeable mistake but i got right back into the rhythm with confidence. i could have lasted more than an hour, but no time. i was able to adjust my practice with ease. i even had a good nights sleep. i normally stay up all night before a class because i get nervous and scared. i received good feed back. i talked with the class for nearly 15 minutes. normally i would bolt out of class, after saying thank yous first. i very polite. lol i do have a bad anger streak when i feel someone is taking advantage of me (trigger). anyway, i did amazing! i may have my own class soon - two weeks. i'm going to make it the best yoga class in the club.

the other day i saw someone who hurt me real bad. i'll talk about that next time.

my therapist wants me to write two letters to my uncle and the person in the aforementioned, who molested me and the latter tried to destroy me.

deposit: $25.00 balance: $240.00 (for having a near perfect class and living through it!)