Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
Yesterday I made a panic call to my therapist because I couldn't concentrate, everything seemed too loud, too bright, I was jumpy, my mind was racing and I wanted to leave work.
Years ago I was "non functioning" and I am so afraid that it is going to happen again so he told me to call if I couldn't calm. Anyway....after I called I had to go teach a small group and somehow got through it. He called me back and we talked a little bit. I was ok for the rest of the day.
I got home, watched some TV. Talked with friends about plans for the weekend and then tried to sleep. I got restless, anxious, angry. I sometimes calm with masturbation but it didn't work.
I kept feeling like I wanted to just die. Not because I didn't want to live but because I am tired of feeling like this. I decided I would flog my back to relax me but couldn't find the flogger. I found a riding crop. I hit my legs over and over for about 15 minutes and then started to feel better. I feel so fucking ugly, fat, disgusting, useless and unlovable. I don't see how it will ever change. I know that self abuse isn't the answer but doing something "positive" just isn't as effective.
These mood changes come so fast. I can be feeling like I want to die one minute and an hour later I am laughing.
I just got home from work and my mind is headed to a bad place again. I am glad my daughter is gone so I can use the riding crop on my legs again.
What the hell is wrong with me?????
Years ago I was "non functioning" and I am so afraid that it is going to happen again so he told me to call if I couldn't calm. Anyway....after I called I had to go teach a small group and somehow got through it. He called me back and we talked a little bit. I was ok for the rest of the day.
I got home, watched some TV. Talked with friends about plans for the weekend and then tried to sleep. I got restless, anxious, angry. I sometimes calm with masturbation but it didn't work.
I kept feeling like I wanted to just die. Not because I didn't want to live but because I am tired of feeling like this. I decided I would flog my back to relax me but couldn't find the flogger. I found a riding crop. I hit my legs over and over for about 15 minutes and then started to feel better. I feel so fucking ugly, fat, disgusting, useless and unlovable. I don't see how it will ever change. I know that self abuse isn't the answer but doing something "positive" just isn't as effective.
These mood changes come so fast. I can be feeling like I want to die one minute and an hour later I am laughing.
I just got home from work and my mind is headed to a bad place again. I am glad my daughter is gone so I can use the riding crop on my legs again.
What the hell is wrong with me?????
Does your therapist know that you self harm? If not, it's important that you tell him because his approach may be different.
When you are angry and restless are you able to:
*scream into a pillow
*punch a punching bag
*rip apart a phone book
*cry
It's so important to get the emotions out that are causing you to feel so bad. I have a punching bag hanging in my basement and I used it often. I also had a body size pillow that I would beat up, kick, stomp and throw. It helped me a great deal to get the anger out.
Cecil, you are a wonderful person. I believe you said you have had issues with your inner children. Sit with them and let them know that they are loved and lovable and that they are beautiful wonderful girls - just like you are. There is nothing wrong with you at all.
I hope you are doing better.
LuckyEmpath
I'm trying very hard to control it, but sometimes I just lose my self control and off I go. I've had overwhelming panic attacks, really strong suicidal urges, you name it.
Sometimes you just have to do one day at a time, or one hour at a time. We are walking wounded, and healing is very slow and very difficult. Small steps, keep gaining ground any way you can.
Keep telling yourself that you are a worthwhile person who has just as much right to live as anyone else. And remember that none of this is our fault, this is all the result of bad things that were done to us.
Try to find less destructive ways to get the relief you need. And don't try drugs. In my experience they just make things worse.
Apparently, one part of me has been waiting for 10 pm to roll around for 30-odd years. That's when mom went to work and Bad Stuff commenced.