Hi Deanna. I understand what you are going through. I blocked out my abuse for 30 years and when I started having flashbacks I struggled to find the timeline also. I like to put order to things and I desperately needed some order to my thoughts, the flashbacks and my past. But, I didn't remember much. I did, however, get to a point where I was able to process the emotions and was 'ok' not remembering the acts themselves. And in all my healing it was remembering the feelings and healing them that eventually helped most. Any memories that have returned have not helped nearly as much as healing the feelings. But it does take time to accept this part of the healing process.

It has been a year and a half since I had my first memory return and from about 6 months in until about a month ago I was also not able to focus, couldn't watch any tv show that wasn't a comedy and I couldn't concentrate. You are processing so much information right now that it needs to take center stage, so what you are experiencing is quite normal. The depression is normal too especially if meds have stopped working. Mine did too. That was my cue to finally work hard and get through the healing process. Something that is very hard but so worth it.

Hang in there. Seek out a therapist to help you on your journey to healing and be kind to yourself. Abuse affects us on many levels and it takes time to uncover all of it. If nothing else we do learn patience on the journey to healing.

Take care

I get really extremely depressed when I try to figure things about abuse out too. So I know what you mean.

Here is the thing. You will not remember everything, every detail, or the timeline of your abuse. Nothing is going to come back as linear. You might not know what happened before what or anything like that.

Even with other things from when you were little, you cannot remember details or the order because our memories don't work that way.

It's like if you try to remember a timeline of something else that wasn't traumatic, you most likely can't remember those memories in order either. You know?

I know it's basically impossible to stop thinking about. It's awful. But trying to figure it out might just wear you down, you know? If your not remembering more, you might just be confusing yourself or driving yourself crazy trying to find things in your head that you don't know the answers too.

Thanks for your understanding!

I remember events before the abuse, the timeframe during the abuse, and afterwards, but I can only remember the romanticized version of the "details" that I told my friends at the time. I went through a time period of denial, as well, and feel like that just cemented the walls of protection around the actual memories.

I've got other "reasons" that I'm depressed, too, but it seems like after I did that stupid digging into the abuser's whereabouts now, I just went off the deep-end big time.

Again, thanks for the support. I need it!

dea

Deanna:
This is unfortunately not uncommon among those of us who have repressed their abuse. It could be a defense mechanism - our brains have a way of "booby trapping" such memories, then if we get too close to them, depression sets in or our minds find another way to avoid thinking about the abuse.
My recommendation is to take it slow - if you "push" or force these memories, they can overwhelm you. So, as many others will tell you - there is only one way you can really do this - take it ONE step at a time - when you have one piece of the puzzle, put it into place - then try to do something to relax or rest - your mind will release what you can deal with, not necessarily when you want, but when you are ready and able. Again, defense mechanisms are there for a reason -
I am sorry to hear you are having such a struggle at this time - as survivors it really sucks - we didn't set this into motion, we just have to deal with the destruction left in the abuser's wake.
You have some great supporters here - talk when you need to, rest when you can and take care of yourself. You will need your strength.
All my best -
Refuse2quit
P.S.
I know this may sound somewhat ridiculous when you are down, but I have found that when I am really down, I log in and see if there is someone that is dealing with something that I can share some insight or support. Sometimes a simple "I understand" can mean so much to others and there is a karma effect to helping others. It makes me feel better about myself. Even when I don't think I can help myself, I find I can relate to others and in so doing, sometime my depression lightens or I seem to make headway with it. It also gives me a different perspective to my own issues.
Let us know what helps!! We do care-