Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
I've been going to therapy for a while to work out the trauma from sexual abuse as a child and it feels like a floodgate of memories have opened to me. I blocked out a lot of my childhood, so not all of it is from CSA. But there are some violent memories that come to me in flashbacks like clips from a bad movie. The first one I had was being orally raped. It came at first as a memory of where my face was but as the month went on I started to remember more of what was going on and every time I get a flashback to that event it feels like there's something in my mouth hitting against my soft pallet.
Then today I passed a toy store which had an advertisement for a certain toy and I had a flashback to being bent over someone's bed screaming in front of a mirror and someone is behind me is trying to press one of my toys into my genitals. It was absolutely horrifying.. It makes a lot of sense though. I've had horrible vaginismus for as long as I can remember. I can't be examined by a doctor without going through excruciating pain, even when they're barely touching me with a q-tip. I can't even touch myself without pain. The other incident I've always been able to clearly remember is when my uncle touched me through my pajamas and although it was very uncomfortable, it wasn't violent and it was just enough to stimulate me.
Anways, I guess I'm wondering if any of you have experienced repressed memories or even believe in them. I don't want my memories to be true but on the other hand I have no idea where they would've come from if they'really false. I have an excellent therapist and there's nothing she's said or done that would imply implanted false memories. It's just all so confusing.
I had two types of flashbacks - without feelings and with feelings. The flashbacks without feelings were like you describe - like watching a bad movie. As I continued with my healing process feelings started to become attached to the flashbacks which made them more difficult and more scary but it also showed my progress. As I continued to allow myself to feel the feelings (only while in therapy at first) the flashbacks ended, memories started coming back on their own and I processed feelings in therapy and at home. My therapist also worked with hypnosis which helped me retrieve many of the more difficult memories (not that any of them are easy).
As for believing the flashbacks - I definitely did not believe them. I was in denial for a good 6 months while having flashbacks. I would tell my therapist that it was all a lie and that it couldn't have happened because of something that horrible DID happen then I would remember it. But the truth is, it's because it WAS so horrible that we did block it out. We block it out so we can continue to survive our daily lives. We blocked it out so we could get out of bed each day and struggle to live to go to bed each night. I know it's hard to believe what you are seeing but the brain will not cause these flashbacks unless it was something that actually happened to you or you witnessed. I know that is scary and denial is normal in these circumstances. Once you accept these flashbacks as the truth you will move forward in your healing, I promise. And I can promise you that if you continue to work on your healing you WILL get the life you have always wanted and the life you have always deserved. A happy wonderful life.
Now for the vaginismus....This is treatable and can be cured. I found a lot of great information at https://www.vaginismus.com/ and even bought the dilator sets that they have so I can work on this in the privacy of my own home. I had to wait until I was near the end of my healing before I even thought about healing this part of the trauma. The process is time consuming (3 hours a day every day) but I think it's worth it - if you have the time. But I hope you won't worry about this until later because the healing you need to do surrounding the sexual abuse and any other abuse you suffered should come first in my opinion. But it's your healing process and you need to do what is best for you. Always do what is best for you. ((hugs))
It sounds like you may still be in the denial phase but are starting to move towards believing. This takes time and you can't rush it. The shame that comes with remembering is very difficult but it can be healed. Nothing that happened to you was your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. The adults in your life are the ones who are to blame and should feel ashamed for hurting you so badly. The adults in your life hurt you and failed to keep you safe. Their job in having children is to keep them safe and they failed at their job - and they likely know this. The shame belongs on them not on an innocent child who could do nothing to keep herself safe. Please keep reminding yourself of that fact. ((hugs))