Thanks, its just that if she did do more than molest me then that would mean that she could have given me something. If she did what would that mean for my future. How would that affect me getting married or having kids? I need to know these things, because its possible my future won't be able to responsibly include a wife or kids.

What do you think she may have given you? An illness? If so, I think this would have shown up in you by now. Have you been to a Dr. to rule out illness?

As for a family, I think you will have a family someday. I'm not aware of anything, from being molested, that would prevent you from having a family. But it sounds like there may be something underneath this fear. Something that needs to be worked out and perhaps understood a bit more. You don't have to tell us what that issue is, but I do hope you can find a therapist who will help you.

Take care of yourself.

II am a true believer that you should never underestimate what your future can hold. As you are in the process of healing, you should understand that this healing will bring about new perspectives and views. Survivors evolve and change with their healing and say you will never have _____ (fill in with whatever you need) you limit your ability to move beyond the effects of the abuse. I would never have guessed that I would be as satisfied and happy with life as I am now, just a few years ago. That is the nice think about life - sometimes it takes wonderful and surprisingly positive directions. But if you tell yourself you will NEVER have something, then you probably will not try to obtain that.
Just my opinion, but one borne of many years of struggle and surprises!!!
Refuse2quit

No I don't have any symptoms that I am aware of but not all of them have symptoms for everyone especially in men, and if I do have any then I don't want to give it to someone. It would b irresponsible for me to get into a marital relationship. If that's the case then I wouldn't have any business being in any relationships.

I lived somewhat like you, and for way too many years as I blindly found out. I simply couldn't come to terms with my abuse, nor did I have the strength to seek appropriate help for it, mainly because I didn't think that such existed in defence of myself I must add.

It was over three decades before I received help, and when I did, I found that my imaginary pain was far greater than that of finally being able to let it out.

If your pain is raw, then now is the time to doing something about it, because if you fail to, then more long term personal damage is what you are likely to do to yourself, and that is what you want is it?

The pain isn't what I would consider raw it's already been dulled by time. Whatever damage could have happened by staying silent has already been done. I do have One person I talk to about this but other than that I don't. I'm going to college soon, if I'm not better by the time I get out of it I might seek professional help, but I don't know.

You dont have to talk until you are ready and its real just not time for you to totally open up thats ok. It will come in time and we are here for you. LISA

Thanks I just feel so exhausted. I want to talk about it I just can't yet, I'm not in a position to. After dealing with constant depression for 7 years I'm used to it enough what does 4 more years matter.

It takes alot of time to open up and when you do it will make you feel better about you. LISA

Idk maybe but when I first started talking about it to my girlfriend ( she's the one that found this place) I started feeling worse, maybe it's because I buried those memories and feelings and even now I feel awful. I feel sad, hopeless, worthless, disgusting, dirty, and pathetic to name a few. I don't feel anger maybe if I did I could express my emotions but as it is with all of these emotions surfacing I have no way to express them.

I felt the same way for a while. I didn't remember because I just had everything stored in the back of my mind. I thought i just had these thoughts. I eventually had a breakdown however, when someone found out. Then alll the memories came and I knew it was real, and i remembered completely.. It was traumatic.

Yeah, but surely being able to remember fully was at least a slight relief. Being able to know what happened and have all the questions answered. To finally have closure. And does anyone else have weird/violent thoughts flash into ur head, not as to act on them, just flash across ur mind making u shake ur head to clear it and leaving you to wonder what's wrong with you?

I guess this means I'm just weird.

Hi. You are not weird. You are a survivor of sexual abuse. And with that comes many emotions, flashbacks and doubt.

Talking about the abuse may feel like it's making it worse because you are finally feeling all the horrible feelings that you have suppressed for so long. Once I remembered my abuse (it was repressed for 30+ years) and started feeling all those feelings I felt worse. I felt it was unfair to have to go through it once as a kid and then again when I was an adult. But as I processed the feelings I got better and I didn't feel so ashamed or dirty and I learned it wasn't my fault.

For me, anger was the last emotion I processed - and I'm still processing it. Anger was difficult for me because there was a lot of anger in my household and because the abuse was very violent. So I was afraid of it. But it did come whether I wanted it to or not. And I released it in safe ways by using a punching bag, screaming into a pillow, punching a pillow and ripping up phone books. The anger will come, it always does.

Please know that you are not weird in any way. And keep talking to us here, we do care and we want to help.

Take care

Well what I mean when I say weird/violent thoughts, i mean... well here's a random example. Lets say I'm thinking about cooking or more specifically chopping celery and I see my cat. For me sometimes the two thoughts combine leaving me with a sickening feeling would be violent weird would be me thinking about kissing and then seeing a rock or something. You get where I'm going with this. Usually its not caused by just thinking about something its caused by me wanting to do something like well idk. Neither of the situations I described have actually happened but they do have similarities to ones that have.