I *doubt* it was a bad dream.
Usually isn't so.

first off I want to welcome you... I am new here too and people have been so kind and supportive it's been amazing

take your time in telling your story and tell only that which you feel comfortable doing so.. I also wonder if mine is real bcs my memories are vague... but for me the feelings are real.. please be kind and gentle with yourself.... we are all here to listen and support if that is what you need x

I'm glad you reached out and joined this forum. I have also found the members to be knowledgeable and compassionate. Just be easy with yourself and take good care of yourself.

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find it helpful and supportive. I know I have.

I repressed my memories for 30 years and when I started to remember I also did not believe it actually happened. It's normal to want to think that something so horrendous actually happened. But, like rubyblue said, you can't deny the feelings. The feelings are real and can be trusted.

Are you seeing a therapist? Many of the people on this forum, myself included, have found that talking to a good therapist is key in remembering and healing from the trauma. But move at your own pace. We are here to support you and not push you in a direction you are not comfortable moving in.

Please keep talking to us.
Take care of yourself.

Thanks and no I haven't talked to any therepists. The only person I really talk to is my girlfriend. She knows everything I do. The thing is the last thing I remember is the woman telling me to take off my pants and I said no. So dream or not I don't know what happened if anything. I just want to remember.

I also wanted to remember. I know what its like to just have snipits of memory. I remembered some of the trauma while under hypnosis, but i have not remembered all of it (not sure i want to). I highly recommend getting a therapist to help you through this. Especially a therapist who is able to work with a sexually abused person. They can help tremendously.

Remember, the feelings are real. You wouldn't have horrible scary feelings if something horrible and scary didnt happen.

Yeah. maybe someday I can find one, but right now isn't a good time. with the cost of college even if I wanted a therapist right now I couldn't afford one.

I am not sure what college you are at, but my college had free student therapy. You just had to sign up and I had a great therapist who helped me deal with the stress of the abuse and the load of college work. I hope you do speak to someone, because often the harder you try to repress the stronger the images can become. And once they start, if anything did happen (and it sounds like it did), then a therapist can really help you maneuver all the pitfalls and anxiety.
All my best - let us know how you are doing!
Refuse2quit

I'm going to give little bit of background information about the effect it had on my life. Since 5th grade when I first remembered the repressed memory I started suffering from chronic depression, I soon forgot about the memory and linked the sad empty feeling with a girl who had moved away who I had a crush on and was my only neighbor my age since I was 4. I'm pretty much in control of my thoughts and actions at this point, though my ADD didn't help much or maybe it did. Idk but I don't really suffer from anxiety that much anymore. All I want is to b able to b sure of what may or may not have happened

If you have remembered it is is Gods way of telling you it happened and that you need to remember to put it behind you. However long that takes. If you have flashbacks deep breath and talk through them . I ask questions like how old am I or who I am with and etc. A lot of times they are pretty accurate. You are remembering them how you see them and how you perceived them. Trust in your memories they are your memories and in your dreams. I know dreams can be some true and some just a dream but I have had dreams and can see people and my dreams have been very revealing. I will pray you can remember what needs to be remembered and you can heal.

I can definitely relate. It was only 5 years ago when I was sitting in a college lecture about childhood sexual abuse that I started to remember fragments of the molestation I experienced as a young child. I too was depressed, all throughout high school actually. It was hard. As I started reading more about the subject and maybe dwelling on it more than I should have, I started to remember more. I still struggle remembering the details, since I was so young when it started but I have a bigger picture of what occurred. Your memories are most probably real. You're only going to start remembering things when you are ready to deal with them. The brain is kind of complex like that. I'm here if you want to talk or ask questions!

Hey welcome. I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is difficult, I denied for several years that I was sexually abused and it finally resurfaced. I still have plenty of trouble opening up and talking to people about it. About it being a bad dream, I thought that possibility, but I know it wasn't... unfortunately... Lastly. Don't feel like you are alone in this healing process, because you aren't. If you need anyone to talk to, send me a message and I will reply as soon as possible.

Thank you sugarbear75. That means a lot to me. I know God is with me and protects me. That's probably the reason why I've stayed in such relatively good shape despite everything. What I do remember I remember perfectly, and what I don't is a perfect blank. In what I do remember I can describe the room the the person, even the table, in near perfect detail as far as I can tell, but I cant remember anything past the mental block.

Now new thought has crossed my mind. How far did she actually go. Did she molest me or did she go further. If she did then what does that mean for me?

It means that you have healing to do. I have found that the amount of abuse has not been a factor in how I feel the hurt and pain. I do understand your need to know, and I wish I could tell you that it will all come back to you. And it might. But it might not.

I know that talking about the abuse has helped me to remember more. I have not, nor will I ever probably, remember it all. But I have felt all the feelings from what was done to me all those years ago. And it's in processing those feelings, and talking about them, that has helped me to heal.

I do hope you can find someone to talk to. If not, please keep talking to us here, We want to help you any way we can.

Take care.