Welcome to the group. But of course, I am sorry you have a reason to be here. Please feel free to share as much or as little of your story as is comfortable for you.

Intimacy is something just about all of us struggle with. It is so difficult because it puts us in the very position we were in for the abuse. And it involves a great deal of trust, which is something many of us don't have any more. Are you working with a therapist?

That sounds like a really difficult experience. I'm glad you have a guy that you like and who supports you.

Wow thanks! you are so sweet... umm well... I am working with my therapist, have been since the incident happened...
ummm... basically, I dated a guy in college (only a couple of dates) but by the third date he was ready for more, I wasn't but still he took it... I had several surgeries and haven't allowed myself to get involved with anyone else since then. That time was my first and only time... so now, I want to move forward, to allow this new person in (Jordan) but I can't seem to let go and really give my all to the relationship... he is really understanding and hasn't pressured me at all... I just... well, I want to, I love him so much... urrgh!! this is so frustrating! Thanks for letting me vent.

I understand completely. I also was date raped and it took me a long time to even say it was rape. Once I did I was able to start healing it. And that took some time. I remembered parts of it but not all if it. I did remember more under hypnosis but what actually helped me heal was talking about it and allowing myself to feel all the feelings. Since I denied I was raped it took a bit more time to move from saying "I was raped" to actually believe "OMG! I was raped!". Once I did though I was able to heal. Keep talking to your therapist about it and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. You can heal and you deserve to heal.

laticacore welcome. What ever happened to you im sorry it happened. But it was never your fault and you should never feel dirty nor ashamed. I'm male and i was sexualy abused by a stranger whom was also male. My advice is be true to who you are and not what someone else wanted you to be. These monsters treat us like we are play toys just for their enjoyment. But i am still me, and you are still you. We can't let go of hope. There is light. A light at the end of a long journey that we have been forced into for far too long. We all have a inner child that is trying to speak. But we try to take a step forward and all we hear is a squeak. Move forward, move forward as we speak. The light at the end of your journey is the one you seek.

Scott

Wow thanks! you are all wonderful. I've accepted what happened to me a long time ago and I think I am at a stage now when I feel good about myself and want to move forward... It's just that this happened to me when I was 19 yo and well... I only dated one guy before in high school and that was so innocent... Now, though Jordan is the sweetest most respectful man I know, well, I find myself feeling all these things I'm afraid to feel, like I am 100% positive that I'm in love with him but I find it impossible to tell him. Of course, I am 26 yo and well, I am frustrated because physically I feel so ready but mentally... I get all these flashbacks and panic attacks whenever Jordan and I are alone. I hate that this makes him afraid to be alone with me, I've noticed him making all kinds of excuses for us not to be alone and I know it's because he wants to avoid any uncomfortable situations... I hate that he can't be carefree or spontaneous enough because he's afraid he'll upset me in some way.... My therapist suggested couples therapy but I am really afraid that this might send him running for the hills I mean, I am afraid that he'll think that this is all just too complicated and he'll want tout. Am I crazy? He has not even hinted at something like that, he is fully committed to our relationship, I know he'd never do that, but I am afraid non the less :(

I don't think you're crazy not at all. It's hard for a guy to admit that something has happen to them and a guy hides them selve behind the ones they support just to hide what happened to them. A true relationship is trust. My wife was raped. i was abducted by a stranger sexualy abused, and my stepson was sexualy abused by his own father. When my wife is down we are there to pick her back up, when im down they are there to pick me back up as i do my son's. be true to yourself first.

Scott

Accepting what happened to you and healing from what happened to you may be two different things. Where you are having difficulty with intimacy I would say that you have not fully healed from what happened to you. Sometimes we heal in phases and now that you are in an intimate relationship some old feelings have come up that need to be healed. It's not that all the work you have done so far was for nothing...it just means something new has surfaced that needs to be healed.

If you feel you have fully healed then it may just be a matter of practice makes perfect. Start slow. If kissing triggers you then practice kissing. Explain to Jordan that kissing upsets you and that you want to take it slow. Let him know that you need the control of when it starts and stops. This will build a level of trust that is necessary for you to heal. This method is a type of exposure therapy. It is done slowly and you don't move onto the next step until the first one can be done without any anxiety, nervousness, discomfort, etc. Only once kissing can be done this way will you move onto the next one which may be being held or touched a certain way. Make sense?

You don't necessarily need couples therapy - though if you chose that route make sure you're working with a therapist that understands sexual trauma so that you're not railroaded into making sacrifices that are too high.

The book: the sexual healing journey by Wendy Maltz really helped me when I got with my partner

Wow all of you have some really helpful things to say. Thanks a lot.
Scott: I am so sorry your family has gone through so much, but I find it so inspiring that you've gotten through it togehter, gives me so much hope.
LuckyEmpath: Everything you say fits me perfectly... what triggers me is usually just knowing that things are leading somewhere, like if we make out or something at a party or a club, or somewhere I know nothing will happen, I am fine. But when we are alone it's like I can't even hold his hand.
We have been friends for so long and trust each other so much that we've openly talked about this. We are doing exactly what you say, just taking it slow, and though I hate giving my guy blue balls, I love that he understands and has no problem whatsoever with taking it as slow as I need to.
And that is a whole new problem because I don't want to take it slow... I mean, I want to be with Jordan... I guess I wish it could be like a band aid that I could just rip off. This weekend we talked about this whole thing and he even suggested couples therapy if that made me feel better, and I was so relieved. We have an appointment this Friday with a counselor that works with sexually abused victims and well... I'm hoping this helps us move along towards a healthy and happy relationship.
Heptet: I will look the book up. Thanks!
Thank you all for your support.

Excellent! Please keep us posted on how couples therapy goea for you. ((Hugs))