Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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never ending guilt

EmeliaK
EmeliaK
I left home a week ago and am now staying with my best friend. I have been raped 4 times over the past 3 years and the last attack happened a week ago and thats why Im no longer home. My abuser is not a family member, but my parents know what is happening and just ignore it. I have always lied to everyone about the brusies and cuts and they believed me. Well now my best friend and her family knows and it has hit them hard. I cant do it. I sat the other night and watched my best friend cry, she got frantic and asked me why I just cant be happy and if our friendship will ever be the same again. I think at that point I died a little more inside. It was then that I realized how much I had hurt her and how I couldnt fix anything. Her parents will not let me return home and nither will a detective here in town because the last attack was pretty bad. However, I cant stay here and watch my problems impact them. I feel so bad because I cant fix anything anymore. My best friend said the other night how she constantly worries for me, how she cant sleep or enjoy her own time doing other things and that is the very reason why I have never told anyone because the pain I feel deep inside is meant to be felt by me alone. My stay here is overdue and Im going to leave. I dont belong here or home or really anywhere. Im thinking of running and hoping that maybe I can find a place that in time will bring me comfort and a sense of belonging. I cant do this anymore and I refuse to drag others with me.
tyzz27
tyzz27
Honey I completely understand what your going through. While my mother didnt believe when i told her at the age of 9 and 12 ,12 months ago I told her that what I went through was more than just a couple of petty things. I have shared a few details and she cried for hours. She finds it difficult to forgive herself and I completely blame myself and feel guilty for that because she wasnt to blame. When I I have tried to take my life I have tried to get her to minimise the amount of time when she vsits as I blame myself that if I hadnt of done that well then she wouldnt need to be there. Im sorry Im putitng the attention on myself with the sharing of these experiencs but Im just letting you know that I do know what its liketo feel unbearable guilt.
Sometimes we need to trust that even though are friends are hurt buy what we have bee through they have not been hurt by us. They are allowed to be supportive. Sometimes we just need to remind them that even though we are going through a hard time they also need to let us stand on our own 2 feet and therefore dont need them 24/7
deleted_user
deleted_user
I'm not sure what happened or the whole story. But I do know that feeling all the pain alone is very hard. I hope you seek for help where you can. You don't have to go through all this alone. It may feel as though no one can possibly understand you but there are people out there who care.

If you can seek for help through city agency, non-profit organization, please do some research. You will need help to get up on your own. Times like this feels like forever... It does get better, I promise. There are good times and bad times... I hope your good times come soon.

Stay safe and be well.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Please try not to blame yourself for everything that you are going through. I am so, so sorry you are going through all this. Your friend is upset because she cares for you. It is ok to ask for help and support from a friend, we all need help sometimes, and no one in your situation would survive without it. You are very fortunate that you have a caring family to stay with and it sounds like they want to do everything they can to help you. Let them help you right now, it's ok. It is hard to see someone you care about suffer, I won't deny that. But don't you think your friend and her family would feel much worse if you left and got hurt again? They want to help you, and it would hurt them terribly if you ran off. Keep yourself safe. it may not seem like it now, but someday things will get better. It is overwhelming, but you don't have to let it destroy you, you're stronger than that, and you're worth so much more. If you want to find peace someday, you need to take all the help that is offered, and someday you will have a better life. For now take things a day at a time and try to be kind to yourself.
imemmarose
imemmarose
your life sounds like a repeat of mine in a new decade.
i left home after a similar scenario (only the abuse happened from a sibling)...my parents were told by an outside party after it was reported by my best friend who found out because of the effects (not because i told).
i ended up in another friends home and i did live with her for 4 months, until i ended up moving out of state and living with a distant relative who is not blind or trapped in the family agenda.
leaving home was the best thing i ever did. accepting temporary help from a freind to have a safe place until a solid situation could be found probably saved my life and kept me from ending up on the street or as a prostitute.
i was able to finish school, get a scholarship, and have a normal life. i am getting counseling now for what happened with the SA.

i hope you know that you don't have to feel bad that your friend cares about you adn it's ok to accept help and concern from her family and this detective. they are only offering you what your parents should have. accept it and do the best you can from there.

someday you will be able to thank them and help someone else who needs you. moving on with no plan only puts you in danger of being harmed again.

you can get through this, but you've gotta let the safe people help you. it's fair to do that. you deserve it. (yes, even you!)

understanding,
emma
EmeliaK
EmeliaK
Thank you everyone for your support and for sharing your experiences. Its really good to hear from you and know that we all have felt like this at one time.