my final vent before i let go and forgive. at 8 i was touched sexually by my older cousin. he was 16 he was also a child. he manipulated me into letting him touch me and if i didn't do it he would tell my parents about what happened. god was i slow i should've told him go ahead tell them. home wasn't a safe space which is why i didn't want to give my parents more issues to deal with and inconvenience them. he'd make me kiss him in the mouth, touch his penis, he made me take my clothes off and let him touch my private parts. he wanted to practice for his girl. when i tried to stop him he would lock me in the room regardless and do things as he pleased. i didn't want to ruin his life but if he fucked it up him self. he became a drug addict and dealer and was arrested. my mother doesn't know of those incidents. at 11 my own father raped and sexually abused of me. it was during covid times. we were in lockdown. he was unemployed but instead of looking for work he'd do things to me. it went on until the end of the shut down. he would show me pornography, make me touch him, he'd forcefully touch me, and at points he raped me. he said i enjoyed it. disgusting. i felt so used and unvaluable. i fell into a depression would not go out of my room, locked myself out of the world, began self harming, and eventually even stopped eating and taking care of my body. my mother noticed the signs and helped me to get out of the deep hole i was in. i finally had the courage to speak up about the issue. i told my best friend and she encouraged me to tell my mother which i eventually did. and she was shocked. and didn't believe me at first. but then she realized why i avoided him and his touch for so long when i used to literally be daddy's little princess. she understood completely. and helped me feel safe with her around. i asked for no legal actions to happen bc one my father was illegal and would most likely be deported and two he was still my little brothers father and i did not want them growing up without a father bc of me. she filed for a divorce. but then he got extremely ill where he wouldn't even move. he was hospitalized. when he came back he fell lost consciousness and almost died at my school during my little brothers first award which was rare bc he never received any. he is now well but and we're waiting for him to leave our home. he's a very narcissistic toxic person. was an alcoholic and abused of us when we were younger because he believed that if he was abused we should also and now emotionally manipulates us to believe we aren't the victims here. and and to make the manner my mom payed off all the debt he got us into and my mother charged him nothing. okay that's enough of a rant i'm okay i will thrive and succeed regardless of what i went through bc i am a strong warrior. i forgive you george. i forgive you miguel. i forgive me.