Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
When I told my mother at first she was mortified. Then she spoke to him and it was all ok again. She told me he was new to being a dad and was only trying to be helpful. She also told me I was a very sexually minded child. This is actually really upsetting me because I'm starting to realise that she is putting the blame on me, like so many of us do to ourselves. Has anyone else had this? How can you stay strong when the people that are supposed to protect you say things like this?
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Middy is off for a bit so if anyone needs a CL please just give me a shoutSending a big hug...xo
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I was sexually assaulted as a kid. I find it hard to accept that another person's actions caused me so much harm. He made bad choices and now I am paying the price. Stupid PTSD!
She wants things to continue on as they were.
She wants to keep the relationship with him, and to not face the fact that she failed in protecting her child from harm.
Unfortunately...this means accepting his version of reality.
I think your mother was parroting back the excuses that your father himself believes, and gave, to justify his abhorrent actions.
But you and I know there's no excuse.
Please know that it was not your fault and you are not to blame. The only blame here is on the adults who did this to you. When I was having a difficult time understanding that it was not my fault I had to change it to be "it was HIS fault". That helped remove the blame/fault from me and placed it back on him. Where it belongs.
Take care
I'm sure at 10 years old I really did want to have full sex with my step father... My mother must of been right in some of her age/wisdom, as I'm back home keeping everyone happy.
Hope you stay strong and can feel better about things. Xo
No 10 year old kid is able to consent to sex with a grown man. They aren't ready for that.
No child is able to give consent to an adult. It is ALWAYS the responsibility of an adult to not be sexual with a child. Even an older child. No excuses. None.
When I did start talking, I told a therapist about it and her response was something like this
" he raped you? But he was YOUNGER than you, how could he do that" I told her that he was bigger than me even then... She looked at how I'm built NOW and assuming I was a chunky kid, very far cry from it... I was very skinny for my height.. I told her that ( making excuses for him) and then she said " your probably just mistaken about everything, or remembering it wrong"
I was hiding tears streaming down my face... Then I told her I was done with this today, and clammed up.
Sadly I did go back and I confronted her about what she said, and her (therapist) said." I find it unusual that the person who you say raped you, was younger than you" I thought about it for a min, stood up, and told her I was done with this, and I was NIT coming back... And walked out... Got to the car and just cried.. Then I thought I better leave, they have cameras there... went to a local park and just yelled, and cried my eyes out...
"I must really be alone and messed up, a therapist wasn't able to help me!!!"
I'm sorry, it wasn't exactly the answer to your question, but I thought I would still share....
:(
For me I was to oblivious, self centered and preoccupied with my world, loved my kids but loved me more, thus I was not the good shepherd on the hill tending my flock and sending the signals to the wolves that this hill is to much trouble to take.
I had more reasons to my failures but excuses don't stop the fact it was my job as the father to be vigilant. Most people would say I was a normal young dad. My kids did not choose me as their father. I had sex with my wife she got pregnant and months later we had a child. My baby is innocent she only has us as her protector. Their was information out there to make my daughter a hard target, their was also no one to judge me and say hey dude you need to fix some things before you take on the responsibility of bringing life to this world. So any one when the body developed sexually faster then their wisdom. You have parents that have no right to be so.
People are bounded to a law of human interaction. We only date or pare up with as healthy as we are. To tie this up your mother is as healthy and an equal to this man who hurt you. She has issues that have injured her self esteem and reality of what is healthy. Her compass to what should be her bench mark for you and her self is severely lowered.
She should be accountable to you and she if healthy would champion your pain and injustice. This world is full of injustice how a young boy goes from innocent with out blame to so quickly the acts that defiles another. Most perps were once innocent blameless and no one was their for them to rescue. Their sexuality was warped activated and now act out in a manner were they are injuring others continuing this disgusting cycle......
Your mom is unhealthy she can't champion you justice I am frustrated by the fact only you can. You can surround yourself with healthy team members to compensate for what she lacks.
It's not your job to fix your mother nor can you. You can protect yourself and goto the authorities yourself. You can call your local hot line to chat with people who are wise and will support the direction you want. They will illuminate doors you don't know that are their. You must become a super survivor and rescue your adult self you life later down the road.
The more you learn about this. The why did this happen?
What others have done to heal?
What is your authentic self had you never been harmed not just from his act of violence but also who would you be if your mother was a healthy example?
Your still in there and you through you work from your own hands to get back all that's been taken can have a wonderful full life that will break the cycle for your generations. Your children will be hard targets their children will be hard targets. You are capable of great things. Your scars will heal but you will see them still but it will give you a gift to see them on others. You will gain this connection of knowing them and come to appreciate the quality others like me posses from being there. Having come from the depths of hell and taken back everything. You will get this gift this silver lining from the efforts of total restoration that can only manifest from a person who has taken back their full authentic self.
I know I am very wordy. But I just did not want to say why and just affirm that others faced the situation of betrayal that your faced with. I wanted to show you where to go and empower you to do so.
In response to the terrible story about talking with the therapist.
Also all therapist are not created equal. I had read this many times and it might take a few new first sessions to find your match. I had lots of difficulty finding one for me. I am very intelligent and cocky. I needed to find one who spoke my langue and who's presence was consistently backed up that they knew what they were doing. I had five different fist sessions until I found one I could submit to and trust. You can't say all mothers love their kids, all men are scum bags, and all therapists have what it takes to be your guide to restoration.
When dealing with people in general, or a professional like a therapist trust your gut instinct. What they provide is a wealth of information about situations what others did to help themselves and why that worked for % of them and why I'd did not for % of others. People choice only a few ways to cope and deal with things. They chose them because they never faced it nor seen another do so and thus start from ground zero. The therapist is their to give you a leg up and disclose what others have done that was successful and some back up choices when the majority healthy choice does not fit for you.
This was never your fault....... Your blameless.....
Blackmox thank you for your reply. I know my mother is damaged. She was in an abusive relationship when she had my sister and me. I used to deliberately annoy my biological father so he would hit me and not my mum or sister. I know that on two occassions, he went against her wishes and forced her into sex. I also know that I am the spitting image of him which may be why, subconsciously, she does not want to protect me.
When I told my Dad about my abuse, he tried to imply that it was a consensual incestuous affair with my uncle, and not abuse. He would never use the word abuse nor would he want me to use the word either. His reaction made me feel like I had perhaps misunderstood what was happening, He made me feel like I should be ashamed, and absolutely consolidated the notion of the blame being with me. I even felt bad for my Uncle, as I was concerned I had led him to believe I wanted something that I didnt. Of course, in hindsight, my logical thinking tells me, this was wrong, I wasnt to blamebut I still have the little niggling feeling, that somewhere I did or said something to create this situation.
She then asked me, "Would you be to blame if.." and posed the exact same questions. It is surprising how forgiving and defensive we are of others, but not ourselves. I think that's what I find comforting about this site, not necessarily the support others give me (which is wonderful don't get me wrong) but the support and protectiveness I feel towards others. I catch myself mid post and think...Yes Elslok, but surely the same could be said about your situation? And I let go of a little piece of blame or guilt.
It will take a long time, but eventually all I will be left with is forgiveness not for him, but for myself.