Elslok- It's so disheartening when you're not believed . You matter. I went thru that too as a teen. My parents didn't believe the next door neighbor came on to me and asked me to watch a porno with him so i was forced to go over and apologize-even though it was the truth. Nobody came to my aid when his step son molested me either. I basically disassociated and turned to self harm too. It must have been something that triggered these old memories. Mine was coming forward to the detective in march about the same guy. Finally after many years someone was on my side and I finally felt vindicated. Perhaps you could let the local SVU know so you don't feel so alone. Are you in counseling? my therapist has really helped me.

Hi! So nice to see you again! Although I'm sorry you have found a reason to return.

You are very worthy to live and breath. You deserve to live and you deserve to live a wonderful happy life. You really do.

It is shameful when family doesn't believe. Mine had their doubts as well. My brother didn't believe because he wanted to be the only one who was abused. My mother didn't believe because then it meant she didn't do her job in keeping my safe. Do they believe me now? 3 years later? I would say they half believe. But while I was having a difficult time and they were not believing me...I just about cut them out of my life. I kept them at a safe distance. Safe for me. I want you to feel safe too and if that means not letting your mother into your life then that is what you should do. Tell her she is not welcome in your life. Your safety is more important than her need to have her grandchildren in her life.

I echo KAdunn about counseling. I hope you are working through these things with a therapist and not trying to 'just cope'. You deserve to heal and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel valuable because you ARE valuable.

((hugs))

You have so much to be angry about. Just please don't take it out on yourself. Thank God for your daughters, who keep you reminded of how precious you are during this time. I have also gone through periods when the only thing holding me to this world is my family.

I am so angry at and disgusted by your family for abandoning you in favor of a child molester. How disgusting is that?! It just goes to show how weak and unwholesome they are. Truly. You alone among them have the courage and the potential to live an authentic life as a whole person. That's worth sticking around for.

This is a terribly difficult time in your life. You made the courageous choice to report your stepfather, and you have been abandoned and betrayed at every turn because of it. But this is not the end of the story. Being the person who made that courageous choice, you deserve to go forward and heal to the point where you can look back in pity at those who betrayed you.

I am so sorry that your mother isn't capable of loving you as you deserve. Perhaps no one in your life is capable of that right now. Please try to realize that that is not a reflection on you. Your mother was who she is before you were even born. For whatever reasons, she is someone who is not capable of the love and loyalty that you deserve, someone who chooses a sex criminal in preference to her own precious daughter. Hard to imagine, isn't it? But that's not a reflection on you. The same for the other people in your life.

Ultimately, you will discover your own great worth on your own, without reference to the people in your life who aren't up to the task of deep and courageous love. YOU are up to the task.

I am always confused by the NIH and what they do and don't offer you. It seems to me that if you are a survivor of sexual abuse and incest, you should be eligible for all the therapy you need. Yet I remember you were given a limited number of sessions. I recommend you keep asking for more. The water torture method, where you just keep asking and asking and asking and asking, does bear fruit a lot of times, especially with bureaucrats. If they say no, then ask, "What should I do? How can I get the support I need?"

I certainly hope that insisting you need support won't put the custody of your children at risk ... It seems ridiculous that that should be a consideration, but I'm not sure how it is in the UK, and maybe that's not something you should be careful about.

One way or the other, I am sure you will find your way to healing and the deep genuine love you deserve. I know we all will be happy to offer our support along the way.

* sorry, meant NHS - isn't that what it's called? National Health Service?

There are things I want to say, things that I think might help... But this message is pointless and stupid.
I haven't figured out how to make the words sound right without sounding like in idiot.

I understand a lot of what your going through, plus I have family that have and are going and doing all of that right now..
The only difference is, the perp is in prison and yours isn't, and that isn't a helping thing to say, and I'm sorry...






I'm sorry really I am, I wish non of us went through this $hit.. I'm so sorry, ..

:(

Thank you all. Again where my family, my flesh and blood have failed me, the kindness of strangers (you know what I mean) shines through.

When I was pregnant with my second daughter, I went to the doctor to ask for help, because I was pregnant I was fast tracked to psychological services. The problem I face there is that I have been telling everyone for two decades that I am fine. I've managed to convince my therapist of the same. I don't talk about the things I want to talk about. I deflect and she isn't seeing through it. I try to be honest, but when she asks how I'm doing I beam my super shiny happy smile and tell her how fine I am.

Hubby came in to one session to make me tell the truth...she referred me to a self esteem course. It starts at the end of July. I don't think I deserve to go, I know there are people a lot worse off than me. My therapist says that's common of people that need the service. We minimise our own needs and feel guilty we are taken a space of someone more worthy.

On a more positive note, I may have a third reason to live. Currently I am nearly a week late!! Fingers crossed!

Oh! And Donna, my health visitor observed me with my children after I had asked for help and she told me I clearly loved then very much and she had no concerns about me as a mother :) NHS seem to take the view of it I better to ask for support than struggle and possibly make your children suffer! It was a concern of mine.

I wish you the best of luck, with all the love in the world! You love those girls like nothing in this world!

I remember you from before and I relate to the pain of family betrayal. I am estranged from my family and mom because she refused to believe my step dad abused my three year old daughter and he had molested me when I was a teenager. So yes I do understand and I do miss my mother often and wonder if we will ever reconcile. But these are her choices and those who support a pedophile.

I choose to support my daughter and my children's safety. I have learned to cherish and invest in other relationships that are supportive of me and my children and who are no longer involved with the perp.

I wish I had had firmer boundaries with my kids but honestly my step dad is the type that would have found away around it. He was always working and pushing boundaries ALWAYS. So I wouldn't be sad about family gatherings that I'm assuming he would be at. Be thankful your kids are safe. As for your mom you have to separate emotionally from her because she isn't safe for you. If you can get into a support group like alanon etc that can help you do the hard work of detachment this would be helpful. As long as you continue letting her in your soul that KNOWS and FEELS that injustice it's almost like you betray yourself. it will continue to hold you back from the best that you deserve. Perhaps you need to back off her visits to every other week. When you take control and you set limits than you protect your heart. This will give you back your power and your intrinsic self. You are someone apart from your mom. She gave birth to you yes but she doesn't own you. She isn't worthy of the place you give her....let her go. Let your heart let her go. She does not control you. She is not going to be there for you and trust me from my experience she will not be there for your children. My mom saw my children weekly from birth my oldest was five and still misses her. Her relationship with them or me was nothing to the relationship with a pedophile. I'm,sorry you are going through this but I do believe letting go will give you the opportunity for more deserving relationships. Perhaps like me You are still living your life with the desire to parented to be mothered and although that season is over the longing is still there and you want that nurturing relationship but adults that had that growing up don't need that anymore and their relationships would never look like that. So redefining what you really need at this stage and as I told myself many many times is I had to grow up....I had to stop wanting things that I really didn't need at this stage. I need to be an adult for My children. I need to be a wife but I can't do this if my emotional framework is of that of a child. You can grow up too. It hurts and it should have happened in an easier way growing up receiving everything you need. Find your identity and your value and your strength.

I chose to let God in to fill those places and help me heal. This has helped in letting go. I still haven't found any fairy dust to that will take away the hurt but I do trust God will make a way for me even in the hurt and that perhaps a beautiful future still exists for me and for you, many many loving thoughts your way!!!

Thank you heartsadx3...I know you are right...the thought of not having my mum hurts my heart and it probably is because I've never had a mother. She loved me, she fed me, clothed me...but emotionally she wasn't there as support, more I was her crutch. She told me she had me because she wanted someone that would love her unconditionally.

In one of my therapy sessions, I shocked myself because all my life I've described her as a good mum because she loved me, but I realised that she wasn't.

If your mother had you so there would be someone to love her unconditionally (as so many childish parents do, unfortunately) then she got everything backwards. That means you were born with a job and a burden, and instead of thinking of her duty to take care of you, your mother considered it your duty to take care of her. It is tragic that you were born so burdened and abandoned.

I am glad to hear that you are getting the kind of support from your therapist that you are! Please do accept the therapy. Do it for your daughters' sakes if not for your own. Remember that you are their role model, and no matter what comes out of your mouth, they are learning how to be a person and how to be a woman by watching you. Try to show them a woman who is entitled to the best treatment and the best care!

That's exactly why I want to get better, I don't want to damage my girls as I am now sure my mother damaged me. She was eighteen when she had me. Not saying young mums can't be good mums, just mine wasn't.

It is possible for you to set strict boundaries with your mother now and then lighten them up later when you have done some more healing. That is what I did with my mother. She is in my life now...but only when I want her to be. We talk on the phone often but we don't 'hang out' as much as she would like to. I still have my boundaries in place that say "I'll talk to you daily but I'll only sit with you on my terms and when I want to". I still do not feel safe with my mother because she is ignorant about what she says about sexual abuse, she is judgmental to the max and she has an opinion about everything. So, I keep her at a safe distance for me.

I understand when your mother said she "had (you) because she wanted someone that would love her unconditionally". One day when I was a teen I was in the car with my mother and she said "I worshiped my mother. I held her on a pedestal and loved her so much. I guess I need to realize my kids are not going to do that with me"... UGH! FOR REAL?!?!?!?! She was delusional if she thought I was going to worship her. HA!

It was also hard for me to come to the realization that my parents were good providers. They housed me, kept me fed with three meals a day, clothed me and provided an education. Love? Well, I've come to find they gave what they could with what they had. It doesn't make me happy but I can at least say that they tried (and the little voice in my head is also saying "And they failed". I suppose that little voice will always be there).