Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

3,544 Members
16,257 Posts
0 Online
Personal Challenges
/ Sexual Abuse Support Group

It's my undies...

ScaredOfDark
ScaredOfDark

I just had a terrible memories of dialogue.  I was snuggling my 1 year old acknowledging what a wonderful mother I am and how hurt little me must be I didn't get nurtured like this. (I've been opening up to the idea of inner child work.). All a sudden I felt chills and anxious.  Then I heard me as a little girl saying I want to jump off a bridge.  When I was overwhelmed with emotion as a kid, I would say this. Please note, is not suicidal and I can understand this was my "inner child" which finally I decided to listen to.  All these years I've ignored that voice saying I want to jump off a bridge because I'm very successful and happy so I dismissed it; now I understand.  Then, I heard my voice as a child yelling "it's my undies; it's my undies!"  I got anxious and the chills and I felt like it wasn't real.  I quickly got into the shower and started to feel guilty... guilt I haven't felt since I was little.  I felt like "everything was my fault" and I listened to try and figure out what the message was and I heard my Dad yelling, "just give them to me!" (The undies) in a really mean voice.  Then, I remembered every time he would drive me home to my Mom's house, he would take the highway that passed a well known mental institution and he would say, "if you don't behave that's where I will take you" and he and my brother (age 7) would laugh.  My brother couldn't have known what was going on.  Then, I remembered all the stories he would tell me about the different kinds of crazy people locked up there (that I would be with.) I think this was why I kept quiet. I want to not believe any of these memories.  I cried in the shower for the first time in over 10 years, which I know is good progress but I want to think I'm making this all up.  I feel sick to my stomach. 

donnawanda
donnawanda
This is a really painful, scary memory. But it is good that you could feel and release all that grief. I understand wanting to think you've made stuff up, but why would you do that? And the feelings you had were so genuine ... you sure didn't make that up.

(((hugs)))
ScaredOfDark
ScaredOfDark
It's so hard... I don't want to believe it...
Momof3indiapers
Momof3indiapers
i am so sorry dear (((
Hope719
Hope719
I am so sorry. I felt the same way when I was finally facing repressed memories. Could this possibly be true? The details were there, but I hadn't put it all together. When you're that young your mind goes through hoops to put up walls and coping mechanisms, especially as you didn't even understand what was happening. It's terrifying and confusing to finally open up and see after all those years, but it's the only way to healing. Sending healing thoughts to you.
ScaredOfDark
ScaredOfDark
Thank you both... It is so very hard. The abuse ended when I was 7 and finally said I will not see my Dad anymore... it started essentially as young as infancy. He did terrible things to my young mom (19 with 2 kids under 2) and he was/is a heroin addict/alcoholic. I am most scared because the memories seem violent. And, I have had violent nightmares my entire life. I am so used to being terrified out of sleep it's become a norm. Tomorrow, I got back to therapy and I am going to have to share this will my therapist and I am terrified to even open up to her about this painful memory. I know I am going to cry and it makes me feel so weak to cry. This is really all so hard. This person I thought I was, becoming an adult, working so hard to get where I am (I am starting my dissertation for my PhD), is all just a lie... I have been hiding my wounds behind all of that and I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, or ever were. My semester starts on Monday and I have to pick a dissertation committee- and commit to one topic of many I like- and I don't want to. My son is going back to school tomorrow to 1 and my daughter 16 months is going to daycare so I can focus on my dissertation and my private practice (funny enough, I work in the psychology realm with children with special needs) and I feel like such a farce... I feel so worthless it's so hard to kick these feelings and remember how strong I know I really am...
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • joanne777

    I feel dreadful

    Posted by: joanne777
    Last Reply: joanne777
    5
    I feel so dirty and used  I was drunk and passed out at a party when I came around some guy was on top of me rapeing me he covered my mouth and told me to shut up afterwards he got up and got dressed and said I better not tell anyone I found my friend and reported that I had been raped  after having medical checks and them getting DNA I've taken the morning after pill IAM just so depressed and...
  • AnnJ11

    Forced to be slient

    Posted by: AnnJ11
    Last Reply: AnnJ11
    3
    Upon his departure, he remarked, "I am in many people’s pockets; no one will believe you." Have you ever grappled with the silence that follows sexual assault, where the perceived impossibility of being believed necessitates self-censorship?