Sexual Abuse Support Group
Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...
One of the most common feelings experienced by survivors of partner rape and partner sexual assault is self blame. There are many reasons to explain why we feel like this but it is important to remember that it is not our fault:
Our partners have justified what they have done (If you didnt do that then I wouldnt have to force/ punish/ hurt you or You make me so frustrated and then I just have to have you). Their justification does not make rape ok.
Abuse results in low self esteem and self hatred. We are so used to hating ourselves that we figure the abuse must be our fault. It is not your fault.
Society incorrectly tells us that real victims fight for their lives. In reality most women are too scared, conditioned or sensible* to fight back. The body also goes into medical shock during an attack, leaving victims literally paralysed. However, if we dont fit the mold of what we should have done then we unfairly blame ourselves. We are not to blame.
It is extremely and undeniably difficult to leave an abusive relationship. 65% of women who experience partner rape and sexual assault are attacked multiple times1, 2. Being unable to leave after the first attack makes us blame ourselves when it happens again. We dont deserve blame.
People in abusive relationships commonly feel that abuse means a failed relationship. They see themselves as having failed and thus to blame for the abuse. You have not failed, you are not to blame.
Rape is a premeditated crime. It is too horrible to imagine that your partner could want to rape you. It is much easier, somehow, to blame ourselves than accept that somebody we love has been so cruel. Regardless, it is not our fault.
Whatever you think you did or didnt do, he still made the decision to rape you. For the rapist, rape is not about a loss of control, rape is about being in control. You did not deserve to be assaulted and it was not your fault. You cant make somebody rape you. Why? Because rape is the opposite of choice. Rape is about being forced against your will. If its against your will then you cant will it to happen. Nobody wants or deserves to be raped.
I know that it is very hard to hear and hard to let go of the blame but it is important that you keep telling yourself that it was not your fault. Try saying it out loud every day until it sinks in. And dont start blaming yourself for blaming yourself! Its OK to have these feelings, you are normal, I just want to reassure you that you are not to blame.
Our partners have justified what they have done (If you didnt do that then I wouldnt have to force/ punish/ hurt you or You make me so frustrated and then I just have to have you). Their justification does not make rape ok.
Abuse results in low self esteem and self hatred. We are so used to hating ourselves that we figure the abuse must be our fault. It is not your fault.
Society incorrectly tells us that real victims fight for their lives. In reality most women are too scared, conditioned or sensible* to fight back. The body also goes into medical shock during an attack, leaving victims literally paralysed. However, if we dont fit the mold of what we should have done then we unfairly blame ourselves. We are not to blame.
It is extremely and undeniably difficult to leave an abusive relationship. 65% of women who experience partner rape and sexual assault are attacked multiple times1, 2. Being unable to leave after the first attack makes us blame ourselves when it happens again. We dont deserve blame.
People in abusive relationships commonly feel that abuse means a failed relationship. They see themselves as having failed and thus to blame for the abuse. You have not failed, you are not to blame.
Rape is a premeditated crime. It is too horrible to imagine that your partner could want to rape you. It is much easier, somehow, to blame ourselves than accept that somebody we love has been so cruel. Regardless, it is not our fault.
Whatever you think you did or didnt do, he still made the decision to rape you. For the rapist, rape is not about a loss of control, rape is about being in control. You did not deserve to be assaulted and it was not your fault. You cant make somebody rape you. Why? Because rape is the opposite of choice. Rape is about being forced against your will. If its against your will then you cant will it to happen. Nobody wants or deserves to be raped.
I know that it is very hard to hear and hard to let go of the blame but it is important that you keep telling yourself that it was not your fault. Try saying it out loud every day until it sinks in. And dont start blaming yourself for blaming yourself! Its OK to have these feelings, you are normal, I just want to reassure you that you are not to blame.
I really agree with what you say here. I was abused by my step-dad. Ever since I was about 9 years old, I was told that I needed to be taught these things because I was messed up in the head; that he wouldn't have to do this if I wasn't messed up. My step-dad even went so far as take me to a head doctor when I was 17 or 18, which he laughed, as well as the nurses while we were there. I didn't understand it then, but I realize now they were laughing at my step-dad, which felt kind of awesome.
Anyhow, I agree that this was never my fault. The realization hit me when I confronted him about it, asking "Doesn't this feel wrong? You know, since you're supposed to be a father figure to me?" To which he answered, "Well, we're not blood-related, right? So what does it matter?" I knew then I was being used and tied down, but never felt I could escape or get help. He was a PI, friends with all the cops in our area. I felt utterly stuck then, and scared. But it's okay now, he passed away from a pulmonary embolism (blood clots in the lung), and I've physically been free ever since. Though... not mentally. I'm still trying to figure out how to let my walls down in the bedroom -- and I've been with the same wonderful man for 6 years and share a child with him. I want to be more confident and have higher self-esteem. I want to truly be free.