G'day. I'm sad you have to feel this way about your fiance's actions, but I certainly understand given the situation. You said a few key words here that indicated to me that this is not ok. " He didnt want to stop so he kinda had sex with me regardless of me fighting him off" That to me, using NO!, Fighting or even a safe word indicated that he didn't respect you and there was a disconnect in this situation, whether intentional or not.

This doesn't make him a bad man, though what you went though would revictimize anyone and for someone who never experienced what we have, put them in victimizing position.

Always go with your gut! The fact that you got off and said stop doesn't sound like the usual role play that would have happened. I may be wrong. The fact that you didn;t want to hurt him and put him in ER tells me you care about his well being and love him.

I would forgive him, but hold off on the role play for a bit, because trust is earned and you need to feel safe, bonded and able to trust that he will stop when you need him to for YOU.. NOT what HE wants. I think guys can be clueless.. but when it comes to something SO important.. He needs to really GET a CLUE.

I honestly think you deserve that whether this was role play gone bad or not. (((((safe hugs))))) What your feeling is valid.
~K

This is the sort of situation that's far from black and white. Normally, if you didn't / couldn't consent and he continued, it's rape. However, from what I understood of your posting, (apparently) not-consenting was part of the game. You had agreed a safe-word, but in the situation didn't remember it.

My personal opinion is that it's not really rape because he reasonably and honestly believed you had consented (saying "no" being part of the game). The fact that you withdrew the consent wasn't clear and it seems from his response that he genuinely had no intent to cross your boundaries.

However, it also wasn't your fault and the feelings of violation you have a very real and totally justified: from your perspective, you were violated.

In this instance, I think it was a genuine miscommunication with no mal-intent.

I know this may not be a popular reply and want to head off any flame wars. I am not suggesting in any way that it's ever okay to have sex (or anything similar) without explicit content.

The reason I feel as I do, in this specific instance, is that the guy had been given prior explicit consent to intercourse, including saying "no" as part of the game, and you had agreed a safe word.

My understanding is that he totally and reasonably believed that consent was still in place when sex took place. If there had been any doubt, if prior explicit consent to sex (including saying "no" as part of the sex-play) had not been given or if the agreed safe word had been used and he had continued, that would have been rape.

Despite the complications of your situation, the feelings it's brought up for you are very real. Talking with your partner, and maybe a counsellor, may help. Also, agreeing a simpler safe word, maybe as simple as "stop" may be a good idea. If you do forget it, you can always say "please stop, I've forgotten the safe word" or similar. Anything to say, "game over".

there have been times i have been fooling around with people and have a flash back in the middle and they keep going cuz i freeze up and start crying... i understand how confusing it is... becaus of the circumstances. but to be honest its still rape. though it will be much easier to deal with because its a misunderstanding, more than a violation....

I totally agree with beaker. In this case the only word which mean 'stop' to both of you was the safe word. Had you said the safe word and he had forced you to have sex, then it would clearly have been rape.

My husband and I have done a lot of role playing as well and we have a safe word...a phrase actually that is completely unmistakable. "No" in these situations is part of the play and so is the 'fighting him off', so that's why the safe word is so important. We don't do this type of violent role playing anymore, though, since I realised it was a twisted way for me to relive my past abuse.

I agree with drbeaker and Crusty....had you said the safe word and he continued, then yes...it would definitely be rape.